Yesterday was Mother’s Day and I feel like I’ve sunk into a bit of a depression over it. This time last year, I was engaged and I remember thinking “hopefully if all goes well by this time next year I’ll be a mum or pregnant!”
Well it turned out he never wanted kids at all and dumped me the following month. And this year, I’m surrounded by friends who have either welcomed their first child or are about to and so my social media is full of mothers gushing about their first Mother’s Day. While I’m happy for them, I can’t help but feel upset that it’s not something I’m experiencing too.
The thing is, I feel guilty because I don’t even know if I have the right to feel this way. It’s not like I was ever pregnant, so I’m mourning something that never even existed. I’m 31, so it’s not as though I’m out of time, but although I’ve long been over my ex and the relationship, the promise of being a mother suddenly been snatched from me is something I’m still grieving.
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You have the right to feel this way. It’s absolutely possible to mourn lives we haven’t lived, unmet expectations, unrealized dreams. I can relate to this. You don’t have to feel guilty. Try not to shy away from these feelings, they likely have an important message for you.
Look around, there are many would-be mums like you who feel this way on Mothers Day.
I’m sorry your ex stuffed around and wasted your time. I’m glad he’s your ex now, so you can find someone else who treats you better and gives you the family you want.
Of course you have a right to feel this way! Not yet being a mother can feel very sad. I had very similar feelings around your age.
Im sorry about your loss. You can always be a mom without the man. 🙂
I was with the guy I thought would be the father of my children for 9 years total, married for 3. He pretended to want kids even though he didn’t truly. It took me years to face that truth on top of the fact that he’d never be able to provide the emotional intimacy I was looking for aaaaand he straight up didn’t have a job and lived off me for the last couple years. He finally admitted he didn’t ever want kids when I asked for a divorce.
I think part of why it took me so long to face the reality that this was not the person for me is because I was terrified that I’d lose my chance at children.
I’m so glad to be rid of him, but I’ve been grieving where I thought I’d be all day today. I imagined I’d be on baby #2 or 3 by now. I see all the women in my life becoming mothers and wonder when it’s my turn. On top of that I have a significant family history of infertility and being in my 30s means fertility drops off a little every year. SO many of my friends have required IVF. I’m terrified I could never afford that if it were necessary.
I am in a new relationship now with someone who most definitely wants kids, but I’ve also accepted that if it doesn’t work out with him I would rather have kids all by my damn self than miss out on being a mom entirely. But still it wasn’t supposed to BE this hard and it wasn’t supposed to take this long. This isn’t the path I wanted.
That imagined, wanted, hoped for baby was your dream. You’re allowed to mourn the loss of a dream. And you aren’t alone at all 🩵
OP your feelings are valid. For the first time in Mother’s Day I share similar sentiments. I turned 35 last week and literally broke up with my ex a week before that. I somehow thought I was closer to marriage and then I realized this man and I will never be on the same page and dumped him right before my birthday.
I have a history of fibroids and last week I also heard from my obgyn that my fibroids are back after I had a Myomectomy just two years ago. They’re not too large but they are there and growing. For the last year I’ve been on birth control and all kinds of medications and essentially have not responded well to anything.
I dream of being a mom and this particular year it’s hit me different. I’m 35 , single and fibroids. On my birthday I spent some time grieving the life I thought I’d had by this age which I’m far from. I try to focus on the positives.
Just wanted to let you know you’re not alone!
I totally get that. I remember moving out of the big family home I’d rented with my ex. He’d moved out a few months prior so it was just me moving out to a little 1 bedder to sort my shit out. He was trash, I broke up with him, happy to see the back off him. But I stood in the big empty house and cried my heart out for the ‘what could have been’. When we moved in to that place I’d imagined it was where we’d start a family – there was so much promise and so much happiness and excitement at that point of moving in. Even in the middle of crying I remember almost drifting up out of my body to look down thinking this whole thing was completely stupid – inside I was so so so glad I hadn’t tied myself to that man with a child, but here I was. Emotions are weird, but always totally valid.
Then I picked myself up to start my single girl about town phase in my cosy apartment and just barreled in to that, and met my husband 6 months later – that was 8 years ago now, or nearly 9? I think I really needed to grieve that though be able to get up and move on, so always grateful I had that alone time there. Lucky I had to to head back to that house because my mum left all my cutlery in the dishwasher 😅
At least he was honest about not wanting kids.
I had my son w a man who sold me a dream that he really wanted no part of.
It’s brought me many tears.
You’re very young still. I had my son at 35. Nowadays you have plenty of time.
You have a right to feel that way! Or really almost anyway for that matter. Unpopular opinion: (please don’t downvote me) but if motherhood feels right for you and you have supports/ stability, it’s ok to do it without a partner ❤️
What you feel is valid and you have every right to grieve the opportunity loss, especially if that was something you were highly expectant of. Take your time to feel and introspect what all these mean for you, OP. Also, it’s so easy to compare these days but we forget that comparison is the thief of joy. I think it is good riddance of your ex and believe that a much better path awaits for you, whether that be becoming a mother or something entirely different but what you actually needed to be. Embrace your journey.