I’ve been thinking about ending my life every single day for the past six months. The only reason I haven’t done it is because of my child. I’m all he’s got, and he’s all I’ve got. On some days, the really bad ones, I even think about ways we could both go so he doesn’t have to grow up without a mother, I know how selfish this is.
These thoughts aren’t new. I’ve had them for years. But recently, it’s like they’ve been screaming louder. I don’t really have close friends. My family is chaotic, everyone just doing their own thing, no real connection. I feel alone all the time, and nothing in my life feels like it’s going right.
On top of everything, I made some poor business decisions and now I’m drowning financially. That part is on me, and I own it, but damn it makes everything feel so much heavier. It’s like the world just keeps punching, and I’m too tired to fight back anymore.
And the worst part? No one would ever guess. I’m the funny one. The loud one. The social one. I know how to fake it. I’ve learned to smile and crack jokes, to keep people from looking too closely. But when I’m alone, it all crashes. I sit in silence and feel like I’m disappearing.
I’m tired. Tired of faking. Tired of pretending I’m okay. I don’t know how much longer I can keep this up.
I’m not even sure why I’m posting this, maybe just to feel heard.
Please forgive me if I don’t respond to the comments.
Comments
Things will get better my friend. I myself are going through an incredibly difficult situation on many levels that would take me a hr to type out. Keep your head up and try to find things in life to be grateful for. I know that’s the only thing keeping me going in this storm of negatives atm.
Life is hard . But please don’t make a decision for someone else’s life to end. I don’t think you should make the decision for yours to end either. I don’t have any advice other than try therapy or try just doing something that makes you feel happy even if it’s one small thing every day. I don’t know you but I want you and your child here ❤️
You have a the signs of major depression which can be treated.. seek help first there. Then write down all the good things in your life and then the bad even the financial ones, each day tackle the first bad one and work on solving that one, there is always a way to find a solution, if you try solve all the bad in one day, you will never find solution, dream one bad thing at a time. In the weekends look at the good things in life and make the weekend about you and your little one. Don’t give up.. Life throws lots of punches but if you learn to duck by tackling that one soon you will be able to tackle each one thrown.. please find medical help first.. You and your child have lots to live for you will see
There’s nothing wrong with feeling overwhelmed, we all do. I have recently lost someone to suicide. So from my point of view it’s not the answer. The point of life is a mystery but there are more beautiful days then there are bad ones. When you’re in a depression as you seem to be it becomes harder and harder to see the good in all the bullshit. But I do know that little baby growing into their own personality and life will make it hard at times but in the end his life is worth the try. I cannot imagine what you’re going through but all you can do is take it one day at a time and don’t forget to breathe. As stupid as that sounds… please reach out for some help from a local crisis center… they do really care and will help.
Please reach out for professional help. Brain chemistry can be made better with meds and can make a huge difference in your life. You’re worth it, and so is your little one. Don’t give up!!!
Our brains are lying to us. Your brain is an organ and isn’t who you are. It is however controlling you because it’s all it knows. The only way to feel alive is to heal your brain from literal damage so that it functions correctly. People say therapy is just talking about things but oh it is not.
You are loved and very much needed here. Please don’t be alone today. Intentionally spend time with others all day. If possible, be with your child. It might be hard but being alone exasperates those thoughts. And, you are not alone. Please call 988 if it feels heavy. Just know that even though we may be strangers, I know that you being here makes a difference.
You’re so, so strong to even post this, OP. Please know that everything you feel is valid, and honest. You have an incredible heart, I can tell just by reading this. Stay a little longer… just for the baby. Hold him as close as you can, and think about how much you love him. Then consider (if I may) that there is a Creator who loves you that much, times infinity. And He’s watching with endearment, and He loves you (and your son) beyond comprehension.
I know because so, so much of your story resonates with me personally. Just take it a day at a time. Get your peace, reach out and get help- I know, it’s humiliating and humbling (just had my first psychiatric appointment 2 months ago) but oh my goodness, the relief after letting it out to another person, full transparency, and feeling validated. No judgement from me, because I, too, have experienced much of what you’ve typed. (I’m also filing bankruptcy in the next two weeks- see, SIMILAR!) Anyway, I began to pray, from the depths of my soul, and I received a Whispering of an answer, but it’s all I needed to continue on. Guess what? Still broke, still depressed, still showing up to be an RN to Vets each day… but, lighter, OP. Indescribably … lighter. Please just try this… Pray to your God. THE God- of truth, love, kindness, empathy, and unending grace. The God that humanity has forgotten. He is as close as the air you breathe. You are Cherished, and He is proud of everything you’ve done for yourself & that baby of yours, and I AM TOO. You’re a beautiful human and you have strength pouring through your words. I believe this isn’t the end, but the precipice of your breakthrough, friend. Love and grace to you, fellow suffering soul. ❤️
I’m glad you’re still here please keep going it gets better I promise from someone who’s been there
Glad your still here, you are loved
PLEASE STAY WITH US!!!! Life kicks in the teeth sometimes and feels unbearable but believe me its so much better to be alive than dead. DEATH BY SUICIDE IS FINAL, FOREVER!!!
If you were to tske your life and heaven forbid, your childs, YOU WOULD NOT GET TO WAKE UP THE NEXT DAY SAYING, to yourself “THANK GOD I DIDN’T DO THAT LAST NIGHT” please know life will get better.
You are loved, please stay, I know it’s hard but it will get easier, be strong
You said you’re tired of faking. Maybe that’s where the key is. You don’t need to fake. It’s okay to feel sad, it’s okay to feel low, it’s okay to cry, it’s okay to show other people you’re vulnerable, and you’re human. I know it’s difficult, but you would be surprised how much people care if you reach out for help. You do matter.
I feel very similar to this. If you ever want to talk to someone in a similar situation, please message me.
Call your doctor and get on an antidepressant. It saved my life.
You’re very brave for saying this. I understand and I hope you see some light. I find having something to look forward to helps trick me. Even if it’s a day of nothing. Or maybe cooking a good meal.
SAME. Please know that there is nobody more important to your kid than YOU. Please stay, even if just for him. This is exactly why I am still here..
Thank you for sharing how you are feeling. I when your mind is filled with black chaos there are no words to change that. That little boy sees the perfect person, your world should be filled with him, he’s a beautiful blessing. What you teach him he will do as well. As far as finances go, money comes and goes. Pay what you need to stay in a home and to get to work everything else put in the back burner until you get your mind right. Please look into your hormones, if they are off you can definitely get suicidal thoughts. We are here with you! Don’t give into the lies of your brain.
Your feelings are valid. I share many of your thoughts too. Keep going in whatever direction you can to get support. You and your son deserve it.
Follow your heart and keep going! Live in the moment and keep going! It gets better
U have described me to a t in this post. Keep going, u have to,
I , too, sit in silence for hours and cry for no god damn reason and I’m fed up,
I too have 2 children and it’s them that helps me to keep going but the dark thoughts haunt me. There’s every reason to live, it may not feel like that but trust me when I say it will get better I hope u can get through this if u ever need to talk message me I’m happy to talk sending a virtual hug because someone not long back sent me a virtual hug and I appreciated it so I’m sending you one
Please call or text The National suicide hotline at 988. You are not alone.
There are dark days; sometimes dark months and years. I do hope for you that you are able to see the light and not have so much darkness.
I do understand staying around for your babies or in your case, your child.
I have mental illness and there have been many times in my life where I have wanted very badly to kill myself. Those times where I just didn’t feel there was any answer and the barrage of hard times did not seem to stop coming.
In those times, the one thing that kept me on this planet was my kids. I did not want my kids to go through bearing me and I also did not want them to grieve and I didn’t want my grandkids to first of all have to be without me and second of all, knowing that I took my own life. It made me feel as though they would believe that I intentionally didn’t want to be with them anymore.
I would encourage you to focus on your child until you are able to focus on yourself as well.
You don’t mention if you have any kind of other support system, including a mental health provider or if you take medication.
You feel empty inside. Do you have a Christ centered community near you? Give it a chance. Christ is real. People fail so while you go to a church study the word and pray. Your chile deserves his or her own chance. Don’t take that away.
Blessings and love always…even when we don’t feel it!
This was me on my 30th birthday 9 years ago. My son is almost 14 now. I was a single mother at the time, just divorced his narcissistic dad and the weight of the trauma from him was solved by drinking until it stopped working. I couldn’t hold a job, I couldn’t care for myself. Luckily, I DID have family that stepped in with my son ( which made it easier to convince myself I could go and that he’d be better off) if someone would have told me 9 years ago, hang on, it’ll get better… I wouldn’t have believed them so I don’t even want to say it but I wish I’d known. For me, it started with getting sober and processing the trauma I was burying but I had a 99% will to die and a 1% will to live and somehow the 1% won. I still struggle with severe depression in waves, it never truly goes away. If those thoughts are consuming you like that, and you even have a 1% fight left in you… Fight. Get yourself well. It’s going to be hard and uncomfortable but you can do it. I am about to file bankruptcy for the second time in life . Am I proud of it? No. I had a horrible PPD period of impulsive spendings and making stupid decisions. This was recent. We all slip up. I can beat myself up again but there’s no point. I have to own it and start fresh again. You can too if you need too. We all make bad decisions when our mental health isn’t right. Some bad financial decisions are nothing in the scheme of things, you’re not a bad person. You can pull out of this. Look for the cracks of light instead of the light at the end of the tunnel. It may take time to get through the darkness but focus on small goals, small acts of happiness amongst the sadness. Maybe the 1% turns into 2, and then 3 and just keep moving forward until the will to live gets stronger. Medicine can he life changing and who cares if you need mental health meds forever. Fuck the stigma. My parents ( I’m almost 40 so they are peak boomer bootstrappers that were taught to suppress all emotion and mental health isn’t a thing) don’t get it. Who gives a fuck? If a few pills helps the chemical imbalance and makes me have some semblance of normal, I don’t have to just tough it out without them like they did. If you don’t have someone you can call that you trust, call a helpline. What do you have to lose at this point? You got this
Your struggles are real. Human connection is a vital part of our psyche.
I am an old lady. There were many times in my life that my daughter‘s were the only thing that kept me breathing. It was the thought of them growing up without a mother that kept me alive.
Some days all I could do is put 1 foot in front of the other and keep trying to move forward.
You didn’t mention your son’s age, but you did mention you only have each other. Get involved in your son’s interests if you don’t have any interests of your own
If he is younger than a teenager, try to get to know his friends, dad’s. My circle of friends were mom’s who all had kids the same age as mine. That’s where connection begins.
Find things that both you and your son can do together, even if it’s skipping rocks in a lake.
Start with getting outdoors together. Walk around your neighborhood together, When you walk you see things you don’t see while driving.
This might give you an opportunity to know your neighbors and form a bond.
If you or your son is even slightly interested in sports, playing on a team is also a good way to bond with other people, for both you and him.
Get out and explore together. Find places you haven’t been to see things you haven’t seen. Do it with your son. The more you get involved with your son, the stronger your bond will be, and that is a start.
I used to take my daughter’s to the beach to find pretty rocks and other treasures. Rock hounding became a very fun thing for us to do and it didn’t cost much.
Get bicycles and go on bike rides with your son. Build things, create things, grow things, collect things …
Find something you and your son can look forward to and get excited about. Read a book together, get involved in a television series together, learn to cook together…
Start small and expand. The bond you form with your son will shape his future as well as yours.
Please keep fighting the good fight.
Start by looking at small little things around d you that can make your day/moment. That parking space you got up close to the store (front row joe), that’s a little perk me up.. that cute shirt you found on clearance.. a reason to smile… the way your child looks at you when you give praise or a hug.. you’re hair style and make up came out cute today, win win…enjoy those things and your outlook will start doing a 180.. trust the process. The more your look for happiness in small things the better life gets..
You are heard. Please don’t let the thoughts win for your sake and for your son’s. You posting this is proof you don’t want to give up because you want someone to talk to you. Things are incredibly difficult right now but at the end of the day, you will come out stronger. I hope joy finds its way into your life.
Stay alive for your child. That’s your point for being alive. That was the promise you made when you had him. Put him first, forgive yourself and get on with things, one day at a time.
Please start a daily journal to write your thoughts down, get it out of your system day by day, set new small goals to reach for. Plan something with your child so u have goals together. Everyone struggles and the reason u wrote this here shows u don’t want to give up. Take it easy, it’s always easy to be mad at you and keep piling things up. Stay productive with small things to look forward to, stop your mind wondering too wild, download a free meditation app and try to quiet down that inner voice saying u are not good enough. When u wake up, it’s a new day to try better. Hope u feel better soon.
I’m good at faking it too. I once won an award at work for being cheerful at work and uplifting everyone’s mood with my contagious smile & personality during covid. I was the most suicidal I had ever been— I had a plan and everything. I tried calling the suicide hotline and I was dishonest about how bad it was and so they said “yeah well we’re here if you ever need us.” And that was the end of that conversation. I don’t even remember what stopped me that day.
But I got pregnant & I never made another plan to leave since.
I think you need to see a doctor. Anti depressants may do you well, but I’m sure a lot of it is situational depression. So maybe look into nearby resources. Churches sometimes will offer food pantrys, shelter, and child care. If you’re a single parent you can get your kiddo into a private school too thru scholarships for being broke. I put my kid into a private preschool LOL, it was great… but I moved and didn’t find another place I liked enough.
Pray. I’ll pray for you.
Try to find some help/support. Reddit comments won’t cut it in the long run and it sounds like your patience has pretty much run out. You said that you are “the social one” so surely you have someone you can confide in?
Someone once confided in me about being a victim and said it was the biggest relief they felt in many years. The same might be for you if you have someone more human to talk to than online social media accounts. Not that there is anything wrong with you sharing your thoughts here but we can’t replace real world communication.
Please know what ever your experiencing right now is temporary. Your ego, your mind is convincing you it’s permanent. Don’t listen to that inner voice that’s telling you this it’s a false narrative.
Concentrate on taking stock of your life and family believe me they won’t be better off without you. Look for solutions even in small things. Remember your life will improve in small increments but that is enough to take you out of this temporary phase.
I can be your friend if that helps any.
I want to give you the biggest strongest hug I can muster.
Some days are better than others and some days just breathing and waking up the next is a job in itself. It’s all ok. Right now your child is your purpose for living and that’s good enough.
Keep pushing through. Your child will see the hard work you are putting in and the tenacity to not give up. Your child will see that and admire it and want to be like you to make you proud and maybe, take care of you also.
One minute to one hour at a time. The struggle is so very real and so very very difficult. Reach out if you feel inclined to. There’s many of us out here feeling the same and going through the motions. We are in this together.
🖤 be safe friend.
This is just a bad feeling. Its not a bad life. It feels like it now but thetes so much light at yhe end of the tunnel of depression and sadness. This world is not set up for kind honeslty or integrity and thats so hard for me. Daily, i say my family would be better off without me. Im a burden. No one can understand my pain or care to but those are just thoughts. They are not facts. My little bitch brain likes to lie to me. It likes to tell me no one cares when i know thats not true. They cant show. Maybe. In the ways i need but they care.
You can do this. Reach out for help in your local community if you can. Join a club or hobby for things you can find joy in. I say this cause i cant tell you one thing that i can do that brings me joy but i can find joy in anything
You’re not alone in your thought process, myself and others I know personally have battled that war too. Have you sought medical help (anti-d etc incase it’s a Chen imbalance) or social / spiritual help? Churches can be good for the spiritual and social aspect, even if only the latter to not feel alone. You know people are there for good intentions and positive vibes.
Don’t make a permanent decision for a temporary situation, regardless of how deep this hole feels.
Your same thoughts have visited me often in my life. They came throughout my gambling addiction, the abuse in my upbringing as well as my past relationships and they almost swallowed me fully while post-partum, twice.
I’m 32 & crawling my way back financially. I cut off my parents & have 2 friends and select whanau I keep in contact with. I took anti-d on and off through my life, as recently stopped as Feb to get me through PP depression and Ive had the most loving and supportive partner next to me for 4 years.
It gets better, just stay around to let it get better & coast until it does.
Make that “what can I do” list on paper so you have a guide. Rest your soul if you need to, self-help looks like going to those gatherings, seeking a doctors help and googling how to help AND it also looks like sitting in the sun for 10min for vitamin d, watching that series you like, crying to yourself to release some emotion. Doesn’t have to be big gestures my friend, take things slow for now until you feel better
Living for another person is reason enough to live. The relationships we have are often more important than any financial or career success. And you probably don’t believe me when I say this, but along the way you’ll find some reasons to keep living your own life too.
Breath, it’s rough right now but you do have your kid, how old are they? I think you really need to see your dr and ask for a therapist and meds to help. I know you said that your finances aren’t the greatest but there are options for therapists that will charge on a sliding scale depending on your financial situation. I have battled with my mental health since I was a child. It has ebbed and flowed through the years and there have been many times that my kids are the only thing that got me through. Once I got a therapist and started taking the right medication it got easier. I recently realized that I am headed down hill again (my kids just turned 18 and will be moving out in the coming months) and I am on the search for a good therapist again. Your Dr might also be able to point you toward some group therapy where you can meet some other people like you. I’m thinking about you.
I’d consider leaning all the way into every feeling. You know like with your thoughts of murder suicide. Most will say I’m sick but running from a thing even if you know it will kill you is no answer. Maybe just maybe your suppose to take an L right here in life. It feels like it’s piling up because your faking. Be real and let it bury you. Sounds like your kid is a strong anchor. If you know inside you won’t hurt him then see what God or the universe or whatever is trying to show or tell you. Look there is no good reason why we shouldn’t all succeed at least somewhat so maybe we should, though it seems counter productive, let go and take the oath if least resistance. There is a ton you have to let go like credit scores and reputation and all but if you feel alone be alone if you feel sad then cry. Just don’t give up and explore your demons and say fuck fear. Life sucks anyway might as well see jus how good I do actually have it by seeing how bad it actually really could be. Friend we require very little food and water. Everything else is a God send. Try being grateful even though it’s not necessarily your appreciation that’s the problem. Trust me I know this feeling. Devil might be riding your hump
I can’t make any promises, nor tell you it will get better like I’ve seen the future, what I can do is tell you there are people who care. And I don’t just mean they’d be heartbroken if you did kill yourself (though, of course they would be), I mean they will listen to you. They will hear those words come out of your mouth and do everything they can to try to give you a reason to stay. The only thing you need to do-and I know how hard this part is, genuinely-you need to tell someone. Pick a name out of a hat, tell your parents or siblings with you have them/like them, go to your local bar (assuming you’re of age) and talk to the bartender. You are important. People will notice that you’re unhappy if you let them.
You don’t have to read this part, but I’d like to tell you my story, if you’d like to hear. I have been in very low spots. I have seven attempts, and I was going to try again over spring break this year. I would have, if not for making plans with a friend. He reached out to me, he asked if I wanted to go to a live music thing with him. That’s all that it took to get me past the break. And then I saw him and we talked and he listened to me.
I know how hard it is-especially if there isn’t somebody else to reach out to you-but please, tell somebody, make plans, order something online you’ll have to wait for. Give yourself a reason to be excited-at least for tomorrow.
A friend once told me “this time is finite” and I use that to keep going. No matter how bad things get your child needs you. I’m in therapy and medication for depression and every day I remind myself that I’m here for my kids.
One thing I always remember is, everything changes, nothing stays the same. So these feelings you have will change too. Look for the simple beauty in the world all around you. Life is very difficult, I know, but we’ll worth the journey! Hang in there for your little one!!
Thank you for this because its so many parents that are struggling with this and often time cant speak about it amongst their peers and community out of fear of being demonized,so they feel that their only choice is to just leave quickly and quietly. Its so easy to feel this way especially with no true support. You have my full empathy, and I wish you the best you brave beautiful relatable soul.
You’re not having a goal or you are distracted. You overthink. You may need to work on theee.
You don’t have to reply. But I hope you read this. As one mom to another. I just want you to know you might have made mistakes in business or financially but to that beautiful boy of yours you are a hero. He looks up to you. You are number one mom. It doesn’t matter the mistakes or how the family makes you feel. You are HIS family and he is YOUR family. That’s all you need. We will all one day die and never finish paying our debts. Trust me. I have so many debts in health care. Because I don’t have insurance or because my insurance doesn’t cover everything. I know what that feels like.
I am a mom of two boys. I also sometimes wish I wasn’t here anymore. I try to look at it this way, someone out there is having more trouble than I am. You might be struggling one way but try to count your blessings. If you focus on the negative all you will see is negative. We have the power of our minds. You get to choose what you want for your self and your son. I don’t know you personally but be your OWN FAMILY or find a new one. Family doesn’t have to be blood related. In this life we will always have good days and bad days. But don’t think about only the bad things. There’s more to life than just living in sorrow or worry. I wish you and your son a a happy life. And a prosperous future.
Thank you for opening up—it takes so much strength to be that honest, especially when everything feels so heavy. I’m truly sorry you’re in this place right now. What you’re feeling isn’t weakness—it’s exhaustion, and it’s valid.
I want you to know something personal: my mother tried to take her life when I was younger. She thought we’d be better off without her. But what I needed most wasn’t for her to be perfect—it was just for her to stay. To keep waking up. To keep trying, even when it hurt.
Your child doesn’t need you to have it all figured out. He just needs you. The fact that you’re still here, despite everything, already shows the depth of your love and strength.
You’re allowed to feel lost. But please know—you don’t have to keep going through this alone. There are people trained to help carry this pain. Reaching out for support isn’t giving up—it’s refusing to be buried by it.
You matter. Your story isn’t over. And even if it feels impossible right now, healing is still out there for you. You don’t have to reply. Just know this: you are seen. You are not alone. And the world is better with you in it.
Please reach out for professional help! I was drowning for such a long time trying to hold my head above water. When I finally stopped faking and reached out for help I realized I had options/resources and didn’t need to struggle alone. I also specified “professional help” because you’ll get a mixed bag from well-meaning friends giving trite shit like “we all feel that way sometimes” “pray more” “just force yourself to think positive”
DON’T go to a church to find god. Religion will fuck you up quicker than anything. Get medications, get therapy, read self-help books. Join a peer support group, there’s plenty online (NAMI.org is a great place to start).
You’re not alone, remember there are so many people here who care about you and are cheering you on. There’s science based therapies that can at least get you out of the danger zone, and after that you can work on the other stuff.
Taking time to post on Reddit proves you are looking for a different way to live. I have read so many great responses, and as someone who is extremely similar to you, talking to my doctor was the ONLY thing that got me off the ledge, so to speak. I always thought I could “do” something to get past these feelings, but if it was that easy, I would certainly have already done it. It’s not easy, you can’t just put on a new outfit and step on some grass and make it go away. Taking medication can help you regulate those feel-good juices so you don’t feel like dying every day. Then you can put on a new outfit and maybe feel like stepping on some grass. If you had a broken leg, you would go to the doctor and have a cast put on to stabilize the broken bone while it heals. The right medication can be like a mental cast to stabilize your brain while you learn some coping mechanisms that work for you. Best of luck to you.
If you didn’t tell me any better I would have sworn that I wrote this. The only difference, my wife is the only thing keeping me going and honestly only because I know she would be mad and never forgive me if I went through with it.