context, I am 20 years old now, turning 21 in the fall of this year. When I perpetrated this act, we were both seniors in high school.
I was infatuated with them. They were not. We were part of a larger friend group that I had attached myself to with my friends, and at first everything was going swimmingly. But I had some issues brewing under the hood. When I was 13 I was on Grindr, and I developed a sex addiction that followed me for most of my teenage years, and made me a sexual deviant. It was my choice to go and do those things, and it made me hateful and scared of the world. I sexualized many things. It was bad. This person I was infatuated with eventually had a consensual sexual encounter with me. I really, really liked it, and for the first time I felt like I was actually having “normal” sex instead of slutting myself out to random strangers and hurting my psyche, which I didnt understand I was doing at the time. Eventually having sex with this person became a habit. After the second time, they experessed a direct message saying they didnt want to do it anymore. I asked if we could do it one more time right after that message and they said yes.
A few weeks and some change later and I was going to have a sleep over with this person. I dont really understand why this person agreed to that after the first time I coerced them with the message, but it doesnt matter. The night before, one of our friends had a sit down talk with me about what I was doing. I didnt really listen that much but the gist of it was that this person was getting uncomfortable around me. They were very well worded and made many great points that still echo in my mind to this day.
The night comes. I didnt plan on having sex but we both got incredibly high watching rocky horror picture show. And I mean REALLY high. At least I was. But I asled to have sex, they agreed, and we had sex for about ten seconda before they pulled away and said “I dont want to”. I understood and kind of rolled off to my side of the bed and did my own thing (groaning because I was so high and playing with a stuffed animal). I should also say the usual way I initiated sex was by rubbing the leg with my foot or using an innuendo (like “wanna play this certain game” or something). It was pretty creepy but to be fair it was my first time having sex with a afab (assigned female at birth) and I didnt really understand what to say because I was shy. The next morning I caught them crying on he side of the bed and asked why and they said it was nothing. So I got up, drank all of their pineapple juice, and then left their house. I invited them to hang out with me the next day (not for sex) and we went to a lakefront location with my other friend, just a day out on the town.
Two days after this event and that entire friend group falls out with me in spectacular fashion. Im talking bombardments of hostile messages on instagram, blocking, visits to my house to tell me how bad of a person I am. Most of the flak was also being drawn because I told this person’s soon to be BF at the time that this person “slept around”. They didnt. Safe to say I was very jealous and said it to that person because of how jealous I was of how I couldnt be with them. My statement was a blatant lie and I regret saying it everyday. To this day, I have had zero contact with anybody from that group, however they never made any attempts to defame me. Every single person eventually moved on to better things, as did I, but the memories stay.
I spent days crying. Mostly because I lost all my friends and I didnt understand the scope of my wrongdoing. This whole situation still eats me up to this day. I cant imagine how angry and upset that person was for how I betrayed their trust and their friendship for the goal of having sex with them, all because I used them as a conduit for my sex addiction. It has made me angry and sad and scared and all three at once. Many times I have cried since over this.
I understand that forgiveness doesnt mean anything. Saying sorry wont fix the damage already done. Even if I have changed, the guilt is a reminder to never do the things ive done again.
I have had many revelations since that moment that opened my eyes to that horrible wrongdoing and how I can be better. Since I started college, I have sincerely become a kinder person and tried to be nice to every person I see and worked day in day out to be the greatest boyfriend to my girlfriend, who was the initial catalyst for change. I try to help every person I meet and see the merit in everything. I live everyday to its fullest because the only thing I can do now is move past my wrongdoing, forgive my past self, prevent myself drom ever doing anything like that ever again, and try to be a kinder soul to everyone else in this world, even if I can be annoying sometimes. The only thing we can do after we make mistakes like that is continue to live life and do everything we can to fix it, or at least put more good into this world.
Comments
It takes strength to own up to your past like this. Growth isn’t about erasing mistakes, it’s about facing them and becoming someone better. Keep doing the work, stay kind, and never stop trying to be the person you needed back then.
https://youtu.be/JJb_BFxjgOs?si=sn62mpcIDsUALHCu
No one escapes this earth without some form of guilt.
Be better, do better, forgive yourself. One foot after the other
I’m missing the point here, what exactly did you do to victimise this girl? Saying she slept around?
The fact that you feel guilt shows that you are a better person than you were before. If you still have her E-mail or something, you can send a sincere apology.
It s not a crime to say she and her
Why were you on Grindr if you’re supposedly straight?
Just the fact that you see what you did wrong and own up to it…that’s guilt. Guilt is, “I did something bad”, and it’s healthy. Yours has become shame, “I am bad/a bad person”, which is toxic to your wellbeing. Look, I’ve been SA-ed, and not a dang one of them ever believed they were wrong.
One thing is, there’s Sex Addicts Anonymous groups I had gone to after I got clean from drugs, bc I had to have substances and sx to feel okay. Weird dudes online, it got dangerous. It helped immensely to be around people with the same struggles, learning tips to cope with urges, and discern addictive behaviors from healthy ones.
One man who SAed me was one of my very best friends in college. He too had a sx addiction, I woke up after being dr-gged…anyway. I found forgiveness for him 10 yrs later. It was so healing that I cried for both of us. I hope he’s addressed his issues and is doing well. But, if there’s any way to write a letter, or a quick message, to this girl to say something like, “I’m so sorry for SAing you, it’s haunted me for years. My guilt and apology doesn’t undo it but I want you to know how sorry I am, and I hope you’ve found healing.” None of mine apologized, and apologies can have mixed reactions. But many trauma survivors I know struggle with forgiving someone who saw no error in their actions.
Also, therapy if you can. If you don’t deal with the sht that haunts you, it will deal with you. You’re not a bad person. Bad people see no error in their actions. You’ve tortured yourself for years. I hope you find healing man, you deserve it. ❤️
Don’t overthink this. Having such a wild flip because you felt bad for a dumb thing you did is how you end up neglecting yourself, especially a selfless flip.
No one is going to say no to your free help, but people will say no to helping you.
Wow. That is a fucking horrible thing you did. You say you know that now, it’s hard to know if you’re sincere since this is just a Reddit post. But this much is true, you were lucky enough it didn’t ruin your life, you got away with soiling hers. You better pray to god or whatever the fuck that she continues to heal day to day and you didn’t just take her life from her. Take this as a lesson and don’t fuck with peoples lives any further. I hope she will find comfort in this life. But your life still has worth, seriously man I hope you do better from here on.
It takes strength to admit your wrong doings and learn from them.
I just feel like this is kind of half assed (and I’m sure it’s something you’re working on, so keep going).
It sounds like your revelations are about your own self harm/worth etc and your forgiveness is towards yourself (forgiving your self for what you have done)
I’d like to kindly remind you how much this may have impacted their life.
Taking that into account, whilst working towards the person you want to be, acknowledge how your actions may have impacted others, regardless of their own personal struggles (not setting strong enough boundaries).
This is not an easy thing to do, it’s easier to hint at excuses to why she ‘let it happen’..
but it sounds like you are on the right path
This is no way an attack. I do hope you find a way to let go of your guilt.
Strange story, it feels a bit like u being experienced with sex, but never been in a relationship, and didn’t see it for what it was . You still have a way to go, just keep growing up.
I feel like the very tail end of the year of what I just read is 100% true but if you’ve not done this you’ve not done everything that you can do to make that better in my opinion two times in my life I have went to people that I feel like I did did some kind of wrong too that person whether they liked it or not they had to hear me out if I could find them that is and it was f up but when you’re young you don’t know what f up is at that point you got to learn it and made that I mean that’s that’s a hard drive just a hard f** lesson now but I would think it’s because you know I don’t know swallow had to take but I’m what I’m saying is you you want you won’t get that’s not coming out for you it won’t it still won’t come up for you even if you do do what I’m saying but it will easy it will ease up on you yourself will ease up on yourself and that’s the most important thing they may not accept you apologizing it may not have want you to hear you out but you have to put the effort into letting the person that you have hurt maybe both of those people know that what you just said that it was wrong and you know it because they let me know right now if they’re still in the world you can get that off of you to a point to where you at least feel you should feel okay with it even if I accept it or not at least you put forever to make it better for them nothing they will but it will ease up on you in your own mind in your own heart because one day whoever those people are if you know when they go from this world if they if you’ve not done that for them then you will never get that off of you it will never be any better because they need to hear that directly from you my reason for doing that with the times I have is that I was feeling like you about things you know but not the same thing I did not know nothing like that but I’m pretty I’m pretty I am the black sheep in my family I’m the baby of my family my my brother sister but I’m the one that gets to call when something needs to be done used to be illegal or legal I’ll say that used to be but you know becoming cuz if they want it done you know it’s my family and I would I would do what I was asked in that I’ve been in some situations where I woke up wherever I was I wondered how I got back home or wherever it was out of the situation I was in because it’s because of what what they were and people got hurt actually been long ever basically I found out that it was kind of sort of some of what you did you know but I didn’t ask no questions you asked me if your family and you this person done this to me can we do something I’m going to ask you a question I’ll take her because I love you and it has called me to hurt me some people that didn’t deserve to be hurt and whatever kind of way they do with her and maybe they didn’t even know who I was you know but that’s fine I just felt like about tomorrow I’m not going to be able to I can’t I’m not having a good answer for what I did that whenever when it comes to that I feel like I feel like if I did if I would at least try to make it make them feel better I was sorry at least I have a good answer for you I know it was wrong but this didn’t know what a time and I went and I offered my apologies because I felt like I did and you know but I had to do it twice in my life and I’m probably going to have to do it again I just that’s my life that’s what I asked me I do what I want because that’s what I want to do and if I if if I like if I like you I love you I’ve been my lucky and I love you I’ll do almost anything for somebody that feels like they can’t do it for yourself even when it can’t even knowing it maybe around but I feel like important to have somebody because I’ve got that somebody from my mama is that for me no matter what I asked my mom even though she doesn’t eat right or I don’t need it I’m going to love me and she won’t tell me no even if she knows I’m going to be in trouble because that’s what I asked her you got to love yourself you know more than you love anything else and you’re not yourself right now because of that situation and the only thing on the way they’re going to get it off of you yourself is going to maybe try to forgive you for it it’s to at least offer those people you’re apologies and let them know if they will hear it if they won’t hurt then it’s out of your hands you then but you should still feel at least trying you should still feel better if you’re not then I don’t then I don’t know! I invite you it will make you feel better I can’t promise you but it did me every time every time everybody at all of them didn’t accept my apology but I love I couldn’t find them all but I put it to effort to to find them and try was it or not you know that it is what it is what it is and I’ve been home and and I ain’t talking about kissing somebody’s girlfriend but permission anytime of that I’ve done some pretty bad s to people and my personal people you know like you said bad but didn’t need to be hurt at all but I didn’t find it out till later and then there was but I learned something from that but I’m not you know I’m 50 years old I still do what the f I want because ain’t nobody else going to do it for me except my mama but I would put my mama out like that but anyway I feel for you I really do but you know we all do s*** we didn’t even sometimes I mean everybody does sometimes we regret something sometimes we don’t but if you got you feeling like it has and it I don’t know how how old you said he was but if he’s got you feeling like it still then I mean you couldn’t have apparently you know how how bad that was just just I guess experience the lifelong after that so you should know how important it is to get with them people and apologize if you can because they need that they need to they need something they need to know the truth if they never heard the truth or person needs to know that you lied to them and the other person that you lied about you know they need to know it too they probably won’t change a thing with with the way with their lives now but at least at least they will feel a little different about something that went on it made me mad at you even more but then you just that that’s your fault again if you got to do with it I’ve done it that’s why I can say that it sucks but in the long run you will certainly it’ll start eating up on you I promise
ALL of the pineapple juice?
Jesus dude.
That’s fucked up.