‘ll cut to the chase – I caught my husband looking at other women on Instagram and I am extremely upset about it. I’m struggling to figure out if I can let it go and decide if I should let it go.
About a week ago I was sitting next to him when he went to send something on IG and the first suggested recipient was a girl he used to date. Very shady because IG suggests recipients based on interactions. I definitely believe that he is NOT talking to her/involved with her on the side BUT I think he’s watching her stuff all the time and she frequently posts selfies, bikini pics, etc. along with other normal stuff.
Anyway, I let it go for the entire week and then yesterday I got triggered and brought it up again. He’s extremely adamant that IG was glitching and says she’s not usually a recommended recipient. So yesterday, he opens his phone to “prove it” and guess what’s on his suggested for you page, half naked women – tits and ass. I BLEW THE FUCK UP. First the hot ex is at the top of his suggestions and then I see he’s looking at girls.
I’ve assumed he’s a normal adult and looks a porn in private and kind of just accepted that – don’t love the idea but can separate it from our relationship. But this feels different. Porn is more compartmentalized to me where as you see IG throughout the day and the people are real. It’s like a pocket catalog of real women hotter than your wife.
He wants me to get pregnant soon but how am I meant to feel comfortable going through all the physical changes in front of him knowing he’s oggling other women?? I’m physically fit and slim – I have 6 pack and losing that is terrifying for me esp. with my history of body image issues.
We’ve only been married about 7 months and we definitely married for love and partnership – not money or convenience. I’m feeling like an idiot thinking he only had eyes for me and it would stay that way (at least until we age more).
I love him too much (we’re truly best friends – or so I think) to leave just based on this but I’m scared this the first red flag that will end in infidelity years down the line. The saying “when someone shows you who they are, believe them” keeps echoing in my head. I think the fact hat he hid this behavior from me is what’s unseating the trust more than anything.
We’re equal financial contributors and thinking about opening a business soon. The burden of kids plus the business is going to fall disproportionately on me as a mother so I was already nervous. I’m having thoughts like he’s using me and I should have married someone who just provided for me.
I know I’m spiraling but it’s hard to shake the feeling like this is the first step in a long slow death of our relationship.
Comments
Girl I’m a heterosexual woman and my for you page has half naked thirst trap women sometimes even OF content creators.
Not saying he’s not engaging with the posts he gets but sometimes it do be like that with Instagram.
Edit: it’s not all there is. But sometimes they come up even if I don’t engage with posts like that. The algorithm isn’t bulletproof
Hello, this is your gut instinct saying THIS IS A HUGE RED FLAG.
Instagram does NOT glitch like that. The first suggested person is based on one’s REPEATED pattern of sharing content to and receiving from.
7 months is still not too late to get a marriage annulled, right?
That’s a hurricane waiting to happen. I wouldn’t suggest throwing a baby into that mess, as it never gets better.
Check out loveafterporn sub. Lots of men are addicted to constant hits of dopamine that viewing neverending stream of thousands of new women provides.
Personally I don’t think him looking at pictures of girls is problematic HOWEVER instagram does not glitch like this and it doesn’t move someone to the top of the list unless you have messaged/sent reels. (Unless he literally messages/sends reels to 0 other people) . So the lie is what’s problematic in my eyes.
I take umbrage with your implication that porn actors aren’t real people. Wtf
The first suggested person is someone he interacts with regularly, meaning messages. My top two are my husband and the person with whom I share the most reels – she sends me 10-20/day. IG wasn’t glitching. This was a lie.
The suggested page isn’t always a good indicator. I added one of my oldest friends, a gay man, and my Explore page was all thirst traps of gay men within a day or so. I hadn’t been looking for or engaging with that content.
Don’t get pregnant until you’re ready.
I would strongly encourage you to seek counseling – both individually and as a couple. You’ve mentioned body image issues, insecurity, a clear drive to remain thin. This needs to be addressed for you as a person. And the lying about his interactions with his ex needs to be addressed, and it sounds like doing so on your own isn’t working. If at 7 months you’re already worried about cheating, you either need to figure out how to build trust with each other, or you need to call it before bringing another human into the world.
I think y’all have to have a conversation about what bothers you and your expectations from him social media wise. Is this him doing something you’ve previously discussed?
I do think you should be ok with this being your line in the sand if it is your line in the sand. Dont forgive things you arent comfortable with.
Also give yourself time to really think on this because there’s no need to make a decision right now. If your feelings are hurt let them be hurt dont try to solve that immediately.
>He wants me to get pregnant soon
Eeee! Don’t do it if you’re unsure about him and the situation
ok so first issue: he’s def talking to that ex. that’s a problem
second issue: I believe this is a generational problem? my husband doesn’t seem to believe IG baddies are “porn” and therefore it’s completely fine to scroll through a tremendous field of IG baddies while on the couch together. I see it differently, but when I’ve brought it up he was like “I won’t be stopping because it isn’t porn.” (because I guess it isn’t porn if it’s not PIV??) if I enjoyed looking at almost-naked “built” men, I would fill my IG proportionately and start a scrolling war next to him, but I actually hate seeing men more than I absolutely must so it would be more of a punishment for me than it is for him. I’m really not a browser like that. why would I want to look at something I can’t have? seems like a way to frustrate yourself. but every married woman I know in my age range (35-40) except maybe one has a husband with an IG baddie problem who doesn’t think it’s a problem.
I also think it’s gross that they get older and the women stay the same age, so if you’re young…know that that’s how it’s gonna go for when you’re deciding if it’s a dealbreaker. but good luck out there finding a guy who DOESN’T have an IG baddie problem. it’s almost all of them.
when I’m really annoyed by it, I’ll start making comments about where the photoshopping and plastic surgery and AI is, or be like “oh is that who you’re going to start a new life with? better DM her about her toilet skid mark policy first just to check”
>The burden of kids plus the business is going to fall disproportionately on me as a mother
That’s generally how it is but do you have to just accept that because statistically it’s true? Have you had conversations with him about it to verify you two are on the same page before starting the business or having a kid? You don’t have to do those things if he won’t be an equal partner
Anyway, I would not have a kid with someone who was looking at thirst traps, that’s too much for me. I don’t think you are overreacting, trust your instincts
Are you sure you want this life? Take your husband out of the picture. Do you really want kids? Do you want to share joint responsibility of a new business while you are a first time mother? Are you willing to sacrifice some of your independence, body and time for these decisions?
I know the post is focusing on his IG algorithm, but overall you sound a bit stressed and not excited about these life decisions you’re both about to make together. Idk just something to think about.
You do you but getting financially tied in and having a kid with someone you haven’t even been married a yr to is a lot.
A looot of commitment for someone who doesn’t make you feel secure
Last week I deleted instagram off my phone because my feed and explore section were FULL of OF’s girls and shit. I asked my husband for his phone and immediately opened insta, I was sure he was looking at stuff and it was affecting my algorithm (this happened with an ex before as soon as I moved into his place my feed changed to cars and girls). Well his was all just woodworking and travel stuff. After a few days mine went back to art. So I hope it didn’t happen during this glitch last week I guess. BUT I don’t trust a man they’re all liars imo. See how serious he is about you and ask him to delete it off his phone. Also check his account to see what he has been up to and if he has messaged anyone. If he hasn’t I would still wait a good long while before being tied for life to this man with a kid.
Is this written by AI? It feels like everything is written by AI. Honey, who cares? Ask him to open up his messages if you’re that worried, to see if there’s a history of him sending messages to that woman. If there isn’t, then carry on with your life. Instagram is boring, and it’s not hard to accidentally have a feed that’s mostly women in bikinis. I have a feed that’s mostly t-shirt advertisements, and I have no idea why. You chose a man who appreciates a six-pack and thin body. Chances are, he also appreciates looking at other bodies. That doesn’t mean he’s going to touch him. Hell, my husband had a show this weekend, and the aftermath is always woman after woman, coming up to tell him how great it was. They were right —- great show. That man already picked my crazy ass. If something destroys our relationship, it’s going to be verified actions — not doubt.
Lolol. I hope you never see my insta recs.
Here’s the thing. Either you trust him to do right by you or you don’t. And “aging more” has NOTHING to do with whether your husband looks at thirst traps. If your husband is a “do right by you” type, he’ll always find you attractive.
I just feel like if a man respects you then he’ll respect your wishes and chill out on looking at nude women on Instagram. I really think it’s that simple
Calling it an instagram glitch is stupid behavior but in my experience IG recommends people to message that you HAVE messaged with a lot, but the recency doesn’t factor into it ( necessarily.) my top suggestions are an ex I haven’t talked to in like 2 years, we used to message constantly. But I really don’t talk to many people on IG so it just picks people I have talked to a lot at some point, since there’s not much to recommend
Anyway. Extrapolating that seeing pictures of women on the internet will inevitably lead to cheating is a massive leap. The reason to not have a kid in this scenario is that you’re questioning this relationship so hard over this, not that the algorithm is serving up hotties
I feel like there’s a combination of issues here. We create our algorithm. What we watch and comment on is what we get content of. So if his FYP is FULL of that content (as opposed to a video here or there) then it’s obvious that’s what he’s looking at. That wouldn’t bother me that much personally but I understand the issue of comparing yourself to other “perfect” (used loosely because this is social media we’re talking about here) women.
However, it’s the ex being on top of the messages that seems like the biggest red flag. If I understand correctly, he wanted to send someone something, and she was the first one on the list? That means he’s been messaging her or maybe responding to her stories because the purpose of that feature is to make it easy to message people that you talk to often.
On top of that, your feelings about him using you, fears around having too much on your plate starting a business, and being a mom. I’m not sure you feel confident and supported in this relationship to begin with. Maybe listen to your intuition on this one.
I feel like there’s a combination of issues here. We create our algorithm. What we watch and comment on is what we get content of. So if his FYP is FULL of that content (as opposed to a video here or there) then it’s obvious that’s what he’s looking at. That wouldn’t bother me that much personally but I understand the issue of comparing yourself to other “perfect” (used loosely because this is social media we’re talking about here) women.
However, it’s the ex being on top of the messages that seems like the biggest red flag. If I understand correctly, he wanted to send someone something, and she was the first one on the list? That means he’s been messaging her or maybe responding to her stories because the purpose of that feature is to make it easy to message people that you talk to often.
On top of that, your feelings about him using you, fears around having too much on your plate starting a business, and being a mom. I’m not sure you feel confident and supported in this relationship to begin with. Maybe listen to your intuition on this one.
ONE click on ONE picture and his algorithm will be FULL of them. It’s designed that way. I click on ONE weight loss video and I am cursed with only weight loss content for months and months.
Am I the only one who thinks it’s WILD that you’d consider leaving for this reason? Like if that’s all it takes you PROBABLY should not have gotten married at all… girl, get a therapist!
The IG list really is shady but I personally don’t see a problem with him looking at women in IG. They are no different from porn actresses unless he is engaging with them through DMs. I don’t think thirst traps threaten you in any way unless they are the majority of the content he consumes on IG. I can’t tell you you shouldn’t feel upset about it because everyone has different boundaries and if this is unacceptable for you it’s okay to express that, but maybe your boundary would have a bigger impact if you didn’t blow up about it and told him that him consuming this type of content can be a deal breaker if he isn’t willing to stop. However, reality is that it’s very hard to get men to never look at another woman and it’s important to understand that them looking doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you or dont find you attractive.
(34 bi f) I never engage in thirst traps but my suggested on IG is covered in them. And a lot of the posts are designed that their cover image looks more raunchy than the video actually is.
Additionally, a lot of the pages I already follow are getting bought out by pages that do thirst traps. Like I followed a page that was all about love quotes, it’s literally called “loversayings”, but now it posts nothing but thirst traps.
Lastly, his ex may have showed up if the reel he was sending was from a private page that she also follows. It will suggest you send it to those people first because if the page is private, the recipient won’t be able to see the content unless they’re a follower.
I think you might be overreacting a little. You’re valid to feel upset about your husband looking at other women. But I do believe there are a lot of alternative circumstances that could mean your husband isn’t doing anything unnecessarily excessive, like looking at thirst traps. Set your boundaries, communicate them clearly, and then leave it to him to follow them. If this is something he can’t abide by, then therapy could be the next step.
I have gone through something similar, just recently. I found out that my now ex was liking, commenting, and even in girls DMs on Reddit, talking sexually our entire relationship, of course it went further and found he was texting with women he knows in real life, he swears it never went in person, I tried my best to forgive him, but he broke me and my confidence. I always felt insecure and things only just ended this weekend, ironically he broke up with me because I became too much for him, even though it was him who broke me.
Lesson learned, if it hurts, it hurts for a reason. Those are massive red flags.
My husband can’t get on instagram without thirst traps appearing. We set up a new is t and he is still flooded with them. Same with Facebook.
It could be him but it’s likely Facebook.
You need to sit down together, calmly, and communicate expectations and boundaries and then agree as a couple about those boundaries and rules. Everyone is different and boundaries should not be assumed.
It sounds like his expectations and/or needs regarding sex are different from yours and that they trigger your self-esteem issues. Maybe you need to ask for a rule that p*rn is OK, but not IG and not people you know. He may ask for rules you don’t like as well. You’re going to have to compromise, too. Sexuality is tricky, and it is bad news when someone’s needs aren’t met because resentment, friction, and depression set in. Work together and spend part of the conversation talking about fun things to do together.
If you want to get pregnant in the future, start seeking advice from women in fitness who’ve had babies. Try to love your body no matter what, though. You may need to see a therapist about your body image issues and self esteem so you will fully appreciate your pregnancy.
I’m rooting for you and hope everything gets worked out and you move past this blip quickly as a couple. Enjoy your new marriage! <3
Personally I think a man drooling over IG girls is straight up embarrassing. Like completely aside from the morality of it (and that’s an issue too), I would never be able to take a man seriously who engaged with thrist trap accounts. That is 14 year old boy behavior. Instant ick. Massive turnoff.