Surprisingly difficult finding anyone to talk about this with, and even on reddit can’t find much and I just feel so down over this, so alone. I need hope. Advice. Anything 🙂
I have not dated and I’m 26, almost 27. I want to start putting myself out there. I want to experience that kind of joy, I barely have… I want to experience love, being wanted, just the fun of being in a relationship. I want that experience. I have finally faced the fact, that for about 7 years now I have been isolating myself and hiding away, because I don’t feel worthy enough, pretty enough, etc. It’s been a weird life so far. I’m not conventionally pretty—I’m sort of pretty, from what people tell me. I see the way people treat me though, no matter how confident and kind I am. People see me as inferior so much of the time when they first meet me and even when they get to know me. I have not had any real romance, no boyfriend and much attention from men at all. Not like my friends who have had multiple boyfriends, and some married. I see how everyone silently views me. I feel it.
I’ve had a few romanticish (really just a few guys ive made out with, nothing further) encounters, though short-lived, and it was because it always ended up being filled with embarrassment out of my control, and re-triggering my deeeep core traumas. I never felt good enough, especially in this body. I had some traumatic experiences trying to go farther with men and them not being so kind. The one guy I took my shirt off for (which I was so scared to do but wanted to face the fear, I also felt good in the moment and felt confident), he looked at me in silence and shock and I felt so horrible. Like damn, I get I don’t have conventionally attractive features but having someone solidify it for me sucked so much, And I ended it, because yes that was immature of him and rude. And telling me I was a bad kisser. And so on.
I tried putting myself out there those few times, and it always ended up so negative, embarrassing, and the men were weird towards me . Once in a while, a stranger does call me pretty or beautiful, a guy does try talking to me, but I don’t think much of it I feel silly highlighting this all I am not saying it’s something I need, I am just saying that at the end of the day, this kind of stuff can get to you no matter what. I know I also come off slightly… afraid, socially anxious, low confidence, but I can’t help that when its been quite traumatic at the end of the day, for me? So I stopped seeing guys, I started focusing on school, seeing friends, studying, I was also going through other stuff but you get my point.
I realize now, I can’t do this forever, and I have to go back out there. I only wish I felt more confident off the bat. I don’t want to rely on a man to feel good about myself—or on anyone, socially, in general. ‘m not hideous, but not conventional. But I realize that has stayed with me. I haven’t kissed a guy since 2018. I just want to enjoy life, even though it hasn’t been much fun so far.
I have, in ways, gained inner confidence, but there’s a side of me, the one you’re reading right now, that still feels like that girl from middle school/high school. Has anyone like me, figured it out, have any advice?
Comments
I (32,f) don‘t have any advice but I relate so much to you. Not many people understand this struggle .. I barely dated and after every failed situationship I felt embarrassed only to re-play the same game after years of isolation. I‘ve always dated guys which were not a fit at all
I dont know if this will be helpful for you, but I can offer my opinion based on my experience. Its not fact, its only my feelings on the matter… so this isn’t direction that you should feel obligated to take
Don’t ‘put yourself out there’ with great hope and expectation.
Online dating in particular a like a parasite that sucks all the joy and soul out of you.
Selectively allow people into your space based on carefully thought out criteria. Are you ok with dirty/cheesy/low effort conversation openers? Sex on the first date? Are you dating to marry? Do you want a family? What does love look like for you? Where are your physical and emotional boundaries? You gotta be able to narrow down your options even though this will mean infrequent matches and a lot of No thank you’s.
I found that when I opened my options up to everyone with great enthusiasm, I allowed in some pretty rotten apples and ended up experiencing some really terrible dates that changed my perspective of men and wounded my self esteem. So I guess the long and short is “know what you want before you explore your options”. Your options might be fewer and your standards might be more rigid, but they are better curated for you with a better probability of working out.
> I know I also come off slightly… afraid, socially anxious, low confidence, but I can’t help that when its been quite traumatic at the end of the day, for me?Â
Unfortunately this will need to be worked on in a clinical setting to encourage greater success. While you may have good reason for your social anxiety, low confidence and fear… they are all related symptoms of disorders that are treated in therapy. Its not fun to just accept these things as a part of your identity, whether its generalized anxiety, depression, social anxiety…. Its like living with a terrible roommate who ruins your life because you can’t differentiate between real danger and your trauma. When left untreated, everything is danger. You’ll need to find a therapist who is solution oriented and can give you tools to work through this better before navigating a romantic partnership.
Hey, OP, I know this is really really tough, but please don’t feel too alone! Especially in your generation, there are so many people who are considered “late bloomers”, partially I think due to changing societal moraes and also due to you guys losing three years of your youth to COVID. You guys got screwed, so it’s not your “fault” that you feel behind. You’re not some weirdo loser for not having a boyfriend/being married by 26/27 (I’m actually wilded out you have multiple friends who are already married); there are plenty of people who only start dating at that age, or even later!
I’m sorry your experiences have been so crappy so far. It’s not a super sexy answer, but I think all you can really do is to continue to get out of your comfort zone (balanced with taking care of your mental health) and putting yourself out there. It’s not uncommon to have to kiss a few frogs before finding your prince/princess, and remember – you (generally) only have to get it right once. So, don’t worry about the people who aren’t your audience, or who profess to like you but treat you like crap – you only have to find your own person who does like you/get you/treat you well (and whom you like back, obviously), and you’re good 💗
Remember that you are not in a position of being chosen. You are doing the choosing.Â