Long story short, I (33f) caught my husband (36m) of 8 years and the father of our 3 children, looking at friends’ nudes that were posted on sites like OF. I had no idea these friends did this until then and he claims he found out through their exes (which is likely since he was friends with all of them). He had a secret Instagram to follow them on, he hadn’t messaged them (that I saw) and he was clearly hiding his identity. He was also on cam girl sites and paying a monthly membership for one for a few months (I confirmed only a few months). He claims he never messaged any of them but who knows???
Besides this being weird creepy behavior, he claims this became a habit over time and it was “easy to separate and get off then not think about it” in his mind. But to me, that’s not how it works? It’s different than just looking up random porn.
Am I overreacting that this is really weird behavior??? It feels like a big breach of trust to me. Like I told him, imagine if I was looking up our male friends and getting off to them!!
And yes, we have a healthy sex life – 4-5 times a week and thats never been an issue but now I think about all the times he was on his phone and PC right before and can’t help but feel like I was used as a convenience since I was right there.
I have a lot of resentment towards him now that I don’t know how to move on from. It’s so embarrassing too.
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Anyone hiding behind a fake social media account most likely has something to hide from the world. This sounds like addiction to me, no matter how he repackaged it to you.
To be fair, I think it’s fairly common to fantasize about people in your life sexually and not want it to actually happen. I think prior to things like OF you just used your imagination and no one was the wiser.
To also be fair to you, he is wrong for doing it and should absolutely stop.
Ohhh girl no. This is a relationship ender for me. I don’t care if he knows them or not, if he is paying for OF content, I am done. So past done the word done isn’t enough to describe it.
I don’t care if my partner watches porn every now and then, but to take money away from our family to send to another woman to see her nudes and who knows what else, absolutely not. To have a monthly membership? My god no. This would be a huge breach of trust for me. Once trust is broken for me in this way it is almost impossible to get back.
Uhh yeah, that’s really weird behaviour. Even in an ENM relationship, something like this is weird behaviour (my partner and I are ENM. Many poly or ENM couples abide by the rule of not getting involved with mutual friends), so in a monogamous relationship, yeah it’s pretty messed up. It’s worrying that he doesn’t seem to understand what the issue is here. Has he said that he will stop? It sounds like he could potentially have a bit of a porn addiction.
My rules for porn are crystal clear: no payment, nobody you know or have ever known personally. To me, what your husband is doing constitutes cheating. It’s way different than just looking at random porn.
Your feelings are valid; this is a huge breach of trust. It’s up to you how or if you want to move on from this. I might suggest couples therapy if you are both open to it.
No you are absolutely not overreacting….. Your gut instinct is right. This behavior is a big breach of trust and you have every right to feel weirded out or unsettled. I am for you and with you. He’s gaslighting you by making it seem like it was just a habit or that it didn’t mean anything. But cheating isn’t always about physical actions. It’s about secrecy and betrayal. Something I always think about is, if this happened to my daughter, what advice would I give her? Honestly, I’d tell her she deserves better than someone who hides behind secret accounts to look at explicit content of people they both know. This isn’t just porn. These are people in your life. That makes it personal and it adds a layer of creepiness that shouldn’t be brushed aside. I know it’s easier said than done to leave, especially when you thought this was your person. You’re not crazy. You’re not overreacting. Your feelings are valid. Even if he doesn’t think it’s a big deal, he still has to respect how this makes you feel.
He’s likely addicted to it, the secrecy of it all likely adds to the pleasure
Um idk I think you could work with him, but it doesn’t sound like he wants to change or acknowledge that this behavior is problematic as someone who is not a husband but a FATHER
He’s funding other women. HE. IS. FUNDING. OTHER. WOMEN. Let that sink in.
I don’t have a problem with generic porn but not anything that has to be paid for and interact with and definitely not anyone he knows. I think it’s cheating and just disrespectful.
Not that either one is defendable, but this to me is almost a worse habit than a one-time affair situation. At least falling into lust with a real person, I can mentally wrap my head around. Also that person can be removed from their physical life.
But the chronic online stuff? The sneaking around in MULTIPLE ways? Hiding your identify and creeping on women you know? Feels more like addiction or to me. And is also incredibly icky. I would not know how to move forward with this information.
I had an ex do something similar with my friends instagrams. It’s very difficult to recover from especially if they can’t even acknowledge how weird it is. I ended the relationship.
I’m sorry you were betrayed like this. It’s unfair. I think this is a relationship ender but it’s ultimately up to you.
You are so valid in your feelings. Also the fake accounts. It’s all inappropriate.
This is cheating and is absolutely a relationship ender – the trust is gone and he’s clearly invested a lot of time money and deception into this.
Imagine how many years you could’ve been deceived and used by this cheating creep if you hadn’t of caught him.
He never would’ve told you and chances are there’s plenty he’s still hiding.
It’s fucked. If you don’t have trust, you have nothing.
This is so creepy of him! The friend thing is such a weirdo ass thing! Like these are people yall know.
This is cheating. Based on the secrecy and the fact it’s someone you know. No. He’s wrong. You are under reacting. He will not stop. Porn addiction is a plague at this point in time. Whatever you think you know I 💯 guarantee you he’s doing more than you think
There’s a huge difference between random porn and watching people you actually know. I really hope there’s no more sex and that the husband takes some time to reflect on his actions – especially his unhealthy OnlyFans habits with people you know. I also would reconsider my friend’s circle.
“I had no idea these friends did this until then and he claims he found out through their exes “
That’s one lame excuse. It was easy just not to look it up if he wasn’t interested in these women.
“I think about all the times he was on his phone and PC right before and can’t help but feel like I was used as a convenience since I was right there”
This marriage has to be over. Is there even coming back from this?!
I mean… you can try couples therapy if you want but he’s going to have to really want it and be really okay with the fact that he’s going to have to be incredibly transparent for awhile with his technology use if he has any hope of things repairing.
And honestly you have to want it, too. Your feelings are valid, and if it’s just too much to move past then that’s important you acknowledge that within yourself as well and move forward accordingly.
Yikes. It’s (very) arguably one thing to look at porn, but if you’re with someone and doing this, for the love of God be open about it. Don’t pull the “I didn’t tell you bc I knew it’d upset you” card (because if you knew it’d upset them, then you shouldn’t be doing it at all). It’s another to be doing it secretly and to be looking at women that exist in your social circle and that you have access to.
What was your question? Was it “am I overreacting”? Hell no. While I’m not going to tell you to run to a divorce lawyer, do not sweep this under the rug. Don’t have 1 conversation and accept his explanation and apology and call it a day. I suspect this will hurt you for a while. Might need to go to counseling, either as a couple or separate. Him to address his issue with porn and you to address your issue with him.
If his actions are fine and normal then why isn’t he doing it with his ‘real’ profile?
I dunno what your rules are on porn so I’ll not comment on the cam girls thing. Whether or not you two are okay with porn, paying for it, etc.
The friends thing is wild, weird, and creepy. I have no words but to say you are not over reacting.
But both of these combined, sounds like he has a problem.
I don’t mind a man looking at porn, but to look up mutual friends and get off to them and being sneaky about it… that’d be too much for me tbh.
That fact that you have sex 4-5 ×s a week as well! Wtf. This man has an addiction, and this is sex pest territory. I’d hate to see him single but damn, I couldn’t stay with him.
To EITC saying “it’s okay as long as they don’t pay”. Free porn is far more exploitative. There’s a strong argument in favor of paying creators over watching free porn. But it’s absolutely your right to decide what is considered cheating in your relationship.
To OP. Yeah, that’s super suspicious and frankly gross behavior on his part.
I’m a little more liberal on this than a lot of people. Paying (to me) is actually preferable because it’s more ethical. Paying doesn’t bother me if it’s not super expensive. Cam girls if they aren’t underage meh. I have nothing against sex workers and I’d want my partner to engage them in an ethical way.
THAT BEING SAID, secure as I may be, I don’t know that I’d be able to handle engaging with the sex work of people in our day to day lives and definitely not while hiding it from me. I don’t like that I feel this way because it doesn’t feel logical or rational, but life doesn’t have to be. The actual act would make me uncomfortable, but it wouldn’t be a deal breaker. The lying and hiding would be a no for me.
Gross. What does he do for work? I sure couldn’t imagine having enough time and energy in my life to be a father of 3 children and be a good husband. Does he have a lot of free time at his job maybe? Gross.
Paying for OF is the step right before cheating. I would consider that alone to be shady AF, but adding his secret instagram to follow these people is extra shady. I think you need to sit down with him and lay it all out, because he basically did cheat and he lied. It takes effort to have secret accounts, and to hide his identity is bad. He needs to know that this is not ok, and if this is a dealbreaker for you, then so be it, otherwise he needs to to grow a pair and stop being a disrespectful douche canoe.
This is weird and I wouldn’t be ok with it either.
Cam girls and OF is basically the same as spending money at a strip club IMO. Definitely something you guys should talk about
This is not only a breech of trust for your relationship but I would also be concerned for my friendships. Someone they know personally and is in a relationship with one of their friends is purposefully seeking them out online? That feels so invasive I would not feel safe around him at social events and I almost feel like you should tell them. Obviously when you consent to putting content on OF that is the risk and their exes are pieces of shit for letting him know. But still I’m sure they are remaining slightly anonymous, since you didn’t even know they did this, and didn’t expect someone they knew to be part of it. And these are people in his vicinity that he has a personal relationship with, is he going to try and pursue them?? Has he before and they shut down his advances?
But no, you are not overreacting and the fact that you expressed your discomfort and set a boundary and he didn’t take accountability and just continued to lie about it is a breech of trust. There’s nothing wrong with looking at porn but this feels so different. Out of aaaaall the massive amounts of porn online he just had to do this? Weird. I would feel really bad if my partner looked at my friend’s nudes right before having sex with me too. But as someone else said this sounds like addictive behavior.
Yeah not Ohkay and I don’t blame you for feeling this I would be so disconnected friend my partner if he did that and I found out …
Yes, it’s bizarre, you’re absolutely right, and in no situation would that be normal.
I think your husband needs therapy asap.
What person would do that despite having a family and a loving wife with a good sex life, risking all of this?
I think that would be someone with a serious addiction problem.
r/loveafterporn
Unfortunately most problems start “small”. My ex started off viewing similar pictures.
Sorry, this is cheating and he also paid sex workers. How are you not grasping how bad this is? A healthy sex life, etc., doesn’t make any of this okay.
This is pretty disgusting.