I have been in my career for like 10 yrs now. Will be 31 in July. Wanted to start having kids at 30. Husband and I have waited a bit longer. He says he’s ready. I’m scared and feel like I have so much more growth to do as an individual, but I don’t want to wait much longer… I think just looking for reassurance that I won’t completely lose myself when I have a baby… I want so many things and to be able to do so many things and I’ll never be able to do them all before it’s too late to have kids….
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What is it that you want to do before you have kids?
You could try freezing your eggs until you feel you are ready
This is a conversation that you need to have with your partner.
Even if several of us saying “you won’t lose yourself! Have the baby!” Or “put it off until you are ready!” How is that helpful when your partner is the one who is actually meant to parent WITH you and should know these fears you have. We can’t help you keep up with your hobbies and friends and make sure the domestic load is split fairly.
The solution to your fears is to find out what commitments/ effort your husband is willing to put in before taking this next step. Information is power, but we don’t have this information to give to you… he does.
Honestly, just commenting my experience and some encouragement. You’ve done a great thing by waiting and figuring out some life things first.
Then there’s taking the leap.
The individual growth comes naturally with 9 months of pregnancy. I felt empowered by pregnancy, labor & caring for a baby. Our bodies have dopamine and adrenaline and such that help during the tough times.
Holding my own baby was nothing I imagined. I was always scared of babies but I loved having my own.
I just decided to bring my kids to things, show them the world, show them flowers and smells and people and laughter. Babies like to be close to their parents and can travel pretty well given all their needs being met. A lot of activities are free or inexpensive depending on where you live.
Things aren’t how they used to be I’m sure. There’s a lot of fear and reactive “helping” people that can become overwhelming, but there’s always creating your own path as long as you respect the public places.
I also noticed my peers are more supportive of my pregnancies and my children. There’s extra “aunties” now, my friends become family. The community is big. I hope it’s still that way. My son is 6 yrs old.
Some things become harder, like going out to eat or going to concerts and clubs and comedy shows.
But I did outdoor festivals (ear protection), dance parties in my own living room, comedy on the TV. Walks became nice and I appreciate things more.
“Wanted to start having kids” does not translate into “I want kids now”. Seems like you do have some more individual growth to do to really realize that just because we had an image of our lives when we were younger, doesn’t mean that’s how it has to go. This, to me, seems like a pretty key lesson to know before you start having kids and everything changes / is constantly unexpected…
You are only 31. You have plenty of time. It’s okay to not be ready yet, and there doesn’t have to be a specific reason why. You can just not be ready yet.
If you do feel like there’s some specific things making you hesitant, make a list of some of the things you definitely won’t want to do for awhile once you have babies (maybe there’s a specific travel destination, or a post-grad or something) and start checking things off the list. Maybe once you start doing this you’ll realize that these things don’t really matter to you, OR the opposite and you’ll feel better with waiting. 🙂
You also have to be prepared for the fact that maybe your baby will have health problems, or be neurodivergent, or ANYTHING… if you’re not ready to deal with the sacrifice of the “ANYTHING” that comes with babies, then you’re not ready.
I lost free time but not myself😅. Having a good support system is key to this. Your husband is ready but is he really? Do y’all have family/friends nearby that can help if you need? I was a single mom for a bit and I don’t know how anyone does it with our help. I wasn’t a kid person before having them and still don’t like being around a bunch of kids for too long. I go on trips with my husband and friends, we have hobbies and date nights all the time. It wasn’t always like that, those first few years are so stressful but you get the hang of it. Good luck on your journey and most importantly have fun making the baby.
You’ll completely lose yourself, but only for a short while.
It forces you to heavily prioritise. It forces you to work harder for the things you want most. You’ll never be able to do them all whether you have kids or not, but you’ll be realistic about the ones you actually have a shot at.
I don’t know how many of the “so many things” you’ve achieved this year and how far you’re getting along that list. I’m going to assume not a whole lot, because that’s human nature, frankly.
I am getting through my list more effectively now because I can only do one thing at a time. I might not do “so many things” but I will fight harder for the ones I want most, and get them done.
I didn’t know this was going to be the case though and I was lucky I had a professional career and supportive husband and healthy children. It is a gamble if a) you can and b) you want to spend your energy on it. Not everyone can have it all work out.
I had kids a lot younger (25) and the one big thing my husband and I both said – kids fit into our lives, we don’t fit in to theirs.
We are amazing parents to two amazing teens but we didn’t stop having lives because we had kids. We both have careers, we took vacations, we spent time together and time individually. We have hobbies and interests outside of being parents.
Having kids made our lives better, but didn’t stop us from having lives.
Though we were fortunate to have a lot of family support to make this feasible.
He says he’s ready and you’re not sure. Not to read into things too much, but is any part of you concerned about the future division of labor once you have kids? As in, perhaps he feels more ready because he knows you’d be doing most of the labor (no pun intended). Might be worth evaluating this. Tie in how you’d like to be able to do certain things still. What would the division of labor look like for that to happen for you?
You won’t lose yourself if your husband helps. If you can trust that your husband with help alternate nights of waking up in the middle of the night, change diapers, feed baby, and help with household chores it will be fine.. also make sure you have a day off to do a hobby or and hour to workout everyday. My husband did all this and I was able not to fall into the trap of not taking care of me.
Having a baby and starting a family with my husband was the most rewarding, fullfilling and best decision of my life. It is a love like no other. Zero regrets. Nothing compares to the love and joy it gives, in my opinion. We started young though. I was 21 when we had our first. I’m currently 34 weeks with our third and I’m turning 34 this August and pregnancy in my 30s has been much harder physically. Still, if I could go back in time I wouldn’t change a thing.
Why can’t you grow with your family? Travel with your family? Start a business with your family?
>I think just looking for reassurance that I won’t completely lose myself when I have a baby
The most important to achieve this is probably that your partner takes on as much of the childcare as you. But you will change, the two of you, because having a kid is not ‘the life you have until now’ + ‘kid’; you will become parents, and your priorities and even personalities will be different.
That’s not bad per se, but it has to be what you want and the two of you need to be on the same page.
Some things on your bucket list might be doable with a kid, others would have to wait a few years – but, yes, it’s a given that some of them would become just a dream. It happens to everyone, kids or no kids, but kids decidedly take up a lot of space in one’s life.
The way you talk about having kids as some kind of end of your life is not a good sign. Perhaps it is the worst of your anxiety around it speaking right now but, in case it’s not, remember that kids are a choice, not a mandatory part of life. You need to ask yourself if you want to be a mother (wanting a kid the way a child wants a pet doesn’t cut it), if you want to orient your next years at acquiring the skillset and means to raise a child, looking for resources in your area – or looking to move altogether. Plan for what you’d do if your kid is born with or acquires a condition that requires treatment or adjustments, what you’d do if something happened to you, your husband or both, what you’d do if you split, and so on. There are many, MANY things to take into account before entertaining having a kid. I know most people wing it, but that’s the fastest way to end up in the regretful parents’ sub.
You need to make up your mind – whether that’s having kids now, in 5 years or never – and communicate what you decide to your husband.
Maybe get the testing done now just in case you have fertility issues and can get ahead of the time game while your still in your early 30s.
I don’t think anyone can reassure you. Research shows that women with kids are less likely to advance in their career compared to women without kids, and to men.
That said, you can have a plan to avoid this as much as possible.
– Do you have maternity leave? Can you get FMLA?
– Do you have money to get a babysitter and/or day care?
– Does your husband do 50/50 of the chores at home already?
– Does his job have paternity leave? Is he willing to take it?
– If the kid gets sick, is he going to stay home, or is it always going to be you who have to take the day off?
Research doesn’t really show if women who have more support from their partner do better on their career, but from other research, it’s most likely true. If you are going to do all of the house chores, planning, caring of the child, that’s a full time job in itself so of course you’ll career will tank. Nobody can have 2 full time jobs and do well. But if he shares the work AND you have money to outsource stuff, like childcare and maybe cleaning, you sure can.
Kids do not ruin your life they add to your life. I used to have the same mentality.
Trust me just jump 2 feet in and don’t look back.