Roses are red,
Dairy is cruel,
My husband betrayed me,
He broke every rule.
He knows he can’t eat dairy,
Yet still he decided,
To eat 3 ice creams,
Then “was that one you?” he confided
It started with a whisper
A toxic, silent breeze,
But soon I was gagging,
Jumping out of the sheets.
I coughed. I wheezed.
Used the fan to clear the air,
But it clung to my nostrils
Like a cursed gas-seared smear.
I gagged. Not once, but twice,
Vomited until my throat felt dry—
While he laughed like a gremlin
As I saw my life flash by.
And though my asthma flared,
And I clawed for my puffer,
He just lay there, smug and warm—
That evil fucker.
TLDR – I WISH this was made up. I told him if this ever happens again, I’m going to have him criminally prosecuted for torture 🤮😭
Comments
This is gold 😁
God damn, I love Reddit. Take this upvote and my condolences.
Gross.
Absolute Gold 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
Remember me when you become a famous poet
I read this in Robert Plants voice. To the tune of Stairway to Heaven.
Here’s what you do, look online and buy some liquid fart. And he’s watching TV or something. Pure some on a rag leave it with. Put it under a chair.
This is fucking perfect hahahah
Divorce
god please give OP the strength to fight the toughest battles
🤣 these reads just like my man after a night of beer and cheese curds
You may also wish to look into the illegal use of chemical weapons. The Geneva Convention was quite clear about this.
I wonder if this is grounds for divorce? 😂😂😂
This is just nasty and super disrespectful. Like you were puking and he was laughing? Is this guy a 9 year old South Park character? If he knew that dairy does that to him and his farts are that nasty he could’ve at least had the decency to do it in the bathroom.
HAHA!!! You’re awesome!!
My husband did this to me once when I was pregnant and I still bring it up! I don’t remember which kid but our youngest is 21 next month so it was a very long time ago…
EVIL LOL
im so sorry 😂😂
This is amazing haha
Jesus Christ, take my upvote! 😂🤣
Hahaha this is so funny, I am ready to start my day after reading this 😂
I’d be sending him to a gastroenterologist
I can only feel you.
My BF ripped once a silent, but long one. Fucking Devil’s stench. The smell was acidic. It was like depositing particulates of diarrhea right in the back of the tongue. It was fetid, rotten.
The next one he let out I choked that mf fart back in using the blanket as the last shield of human smell.
Are you my wife? If so im sorry. you know the blue ice cream at the soda shop down town is my weakness, but i went to fucking far. I wont eat any for a good month and I’ll give the cat a bath to get the puke off her.
This is why I remain happily single 🤣
Omg OP I love you and feel your pain. This could be my husband, except we have no idea what causes it. Once in a while tho…. he could double as paint stripper. Or the acid atmosphere of Venus.
So gross. My husband tried to Dutch oven me in his effing sleep
Reminds me of a beloved family story… My mom made a fart so smelly that her sister threw up from it and then my mom who is a sympathy vomiter started throwing up. All the while they’re both laughing their heads off as they’re vomiting and waving at the air trying to clear it.
The first time I stayed the night with my now husband, we got a hotel room. He farted a fart so foul that I swear to this day my feet did not carry me across the room, but I somehow teleported. I don’t even recall the getting up part, my next memory is being across the room trying to escape from a second floor window. Thank goodness they have them fixed so they don’t open that much.
I’m sending him this post. It is brilliant.
The vegans have made non-dairy ice cream. Your husband needs to eat vegan ice cream!
I’m dead😂😂😂
I’m in hysterics hahahahahaha