My mother died when I was 3 years old while giving birth to my brother. Who develop severe disabilities secondary to apoxia for being inside the womb while this happened. He was unable to eat through his mouth, walk, talk, etc. He was basically bedbound his entire life until he passed at 16. My aunt took care of us because my father disappeared within a week of my mother dying and my brother being born. It destroyed my aunt’s life, she gave up her career, was unable to date anyone (it’s pretty hard to date when you’re basically single mother taking care of your dead sister’s children and one is severely disabled), never had her own kids, and now is alone and unable to retire by herself (I’m the one helping her financially now since I have a good career).
The thing is that all of this could have been very much prevented. First of all, I get love is blind but my father has always and is clearly a bad person, I only met him once or twice and that was enough to hear some of the most racist, mysogynist, and overall dumb things I’ve heard in my life. Also, he’s ugly as shit. Just not a good person and it’s very clear he’s not. Many men, who now have great careers, families, and are good people, shown interest in my mother. But she rejected them and ended up choosing my shitty “father”. She was in her late 20s when this happened, so she wasn’t exactly young and naive. Everyone in their circle knew my father was a shitty person who cheated on everyone and even was involved with drugs.
Second, when I was born there were a lot of difficulties. My mother almost died as well and I could’ve been the one with a disability. The doctors seriously suggested not to have another kid, to not even consider it since they knew it could kill my mother and the baby.
Oooooh but my mother really wanted another baby and basically begged my stupid father to have another one. Well, she got pregnant so the doctors strongly suggested to have a c section oooh no she really wanted to do it naturally.
So yeah, now because of her stupid decisions my brother’s life was completely destroyed, my aunt obviously, has been depressed for decades and now lonely.
Everyone says she was so great and smart. But if she were, she wouldn’t have been with a loser like my father to begin with and should have been more responsible about having another baby. I know they say hindsigh is 20/20, but this was not rocket science.
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There’s a difference between being “great and smart” and being wise and making good decisions. Your mom could’ve been very intelligent and an awesome person. But yes, she made some very bad decisions as you’ve highlighted here. Just because you’re intelligent doesn’t mean you’ll make good decisions. Smart people get sucked down the wrong path all the time. Emotion often wins out over logic.
Who did this narrative come from?
How do you know your Mother chose your father or deliberately had a child much less two with him?
What are their age differences?
She may very well have been dumb and still your father likely took advantage of a dumb woman.
I hope there’s still a happily ever after out there waiting for your aunt.
I see women do exactly those same mistakes around me. It’s not always their own fault, but sometimes it is. I can’t help but think that sometimes it’s extremely selfish. Those kind of choices cause collateral damage and long lasting domino effects. I might get downwoted for this take.
I’m very sorry for you all. I understand your feelings towards your mother. It’s okay to be angry, I get it. I hope that you and your aunt can find peace and happiness in your life.
OP, I am sorry you went through this and watched your loved ones go through this. I imagine Mother’s Day is a difficult day for you still and the timing of your post says that too. I truly hope it felt therapeutic to write this out and get it off your chest. You deserved having your mom around, your brother deserved having a better chance at life, your aunt deserved living a life for herself. And also your mom deserved a better life and a chance at living. You’ll never understand where she was at in her own thoughts, goals, and dreams- if she was just craving love (even though it may not have been given to her by your dad) and just hoping to be the statistic that would make it through another childbirth to add to her family. If she was anything like most women I have to believe she would have done anything to be a good mom for you and your brother. She loved you. It’s hard to learn that the parents that love you can also can make ridiculous mistakes and be flawed. I hope you find a good therapist to talk with about all these feelings that are normal for grieving what you missed out on. I wish you peace.
Are you sure she pushed for the second baby? A lot of women don’t want to have sex but their partners push for it, by pouting, stomping around, and insisting that they have the right to sex whenever they want. She may not have had a choice.
I hope my kids don’t hate me when they’re older. I got with a loser in my 30s, to be fair, he hid it well and explained lots of things away. Love really does blind you sometimes. I can’t explain having another baby after a doctor told me not to though
Who told you all this? Nobody knows what’s going on in someone’s private life.
I doubt your mom is the only one to blame here. She was likely in a very abusive relationship and having mental health struggles navigating it/leaving it.
Perhaps you can work on forgiveness and being milder for her in therapy, because you have a lot of anger/bitterness towards her and it’s not healthy for yourself
But because your mom chose your father she had you… Which is good then.. because you are alive because she liked your dad. Think about who told you all of this and why.