A little over a year ago, my boyfriend (two years together at the time) was in a terrible accident. A car ran a red light and hit him while he was crossing the street. He was in the ICU for weeks, had a lot of broken bones and internal bleeding. I thought I was going to lose him.. He survived, but not entirely.
He’s now permanently disabled. He lost function in his legs, has very limited mobility in his right (main) arm and struggles with basic daily tasks. At 27 he went from being active, independent and full of plans to someone who needs help showering, dressing and eating. I’ve been the one helping him, every single day.
I moved in with him. I left my job to become his full-time caregiver. I cook for him, I lift him to bed, I clean him up after accidents. I’ve sat with him during his darkest moments and told him we’d get through this. That I wasn’t going anywhere, that I loved him.
The thing is I do, but Im exhausted. I don’t sleep properly anymore, I don’t see my friends,I don’t recognize myself in the mirror. Some days I feel more like a nurse than a partner. There are even days I resent him. I know its cruel and I hate myself for even typing it. He didn’t choose this..
The worst part is that when I imagine my future, I can’t see myself in it anymore. Not if this is all there is. And then I feel like a monster, because how can I think of leaving someone who would never leave me?
I made this throwaway because if any of our mutual friends saw this, it would destroy efvefrything.
I need to say it somewhere though..
Comments
you’re not a monster
you’re just human
and you’ve been carrying more than anyone ever should without breaking
love isn’t the same as capacity
you can love someone deeply and still not survive the weight of becoming their full-time lifeline
especially when no one prepared you for it, supported you through it, or gave you space to grieve the version of life you lost too
this isn’t just his trauma
it’s yours
but you’ve been so focused on holding him together, you haven’t had time to notice that you’re falling apart
you’re allowed to want more
not out of selfishness
but out of the truth that caregivers burn out, and relationships break when one person disappears into the role of savior
if no one’s told you this yet:
wanting a life that includes you in it doesn’t mean abandoning him
it means not abandoning yourself
Doesnt he have any family that could take on a lot of this burden?
I’m so sorry. You sound so incredibly burnt out, my friend. It’s 100% up to you if you stay or leave. This is your life. I am curious if there are caregiving supports, government-funded PSW, equipment and other resources in your area. Does he have a case worker? Is he looking into employment? Is there family that can help?
Sucks you feel that way. It’s way better than being disabled at 27 and needing a caregiver to live. As bad as it is for you it’s much worse for him, and it won’t be better if you feel that way. Just rip the bandaid and move on. You’ll definitely be happier in the long run, hopefully he will too.
You didn’t choose this either.
It’s easy to judge others when you aren’t or haven’t been in their shoes. If your mutual friends are in fact also your friends, they would care about you through all of this too. And if the situation were the other way around, you have no way of knowing he wouldn’t walk away; in fact, many men saddled with your responsibilities do.
You’re still young and you deserve a future you can see yourself in. You’re in a tough situation but you owe it to yourself to take care of you.
Don’t light yourself on fire just to keep others warm. You’re no good to anyone if you’re not good to yourself first. ❤️
Go to his primary with him. Discuss respite care and getting a home care team. You need to go back to work even part time. You need to see friends. Schedule it.
Where is his family?
Is there not a middle ground where you can stay with the person you love but not be his full time caregiver? It’s an awful situation all round and your feelings right now are complete understandable.
OP you need help. Caregiving is HARD. You don’t have to do everything for him. Reach out for respite care. If people offer to help “any way they can”. Take them up on it. Let people mow the lawn, run errands, come over and do cores.
Once you have space to breathe, then examine your life choices. Don’t make major life decisions while exhausted.
It’s okay to leave a situation you aren’t cut out for.
If you did want a future with him, could you hire a caregiver so you can have a life away from him? Working and doing the normal things so you aren’t just his caregiver.
Being a caregiver isn’t the same as being a significant other. What’s happened is you changed roles and so now that’s all you are. It’s not your responsibility to take care of him. When you are in a relationship, It’s your responsibility to be a support. I think you took on more than you should have.
It’s okay to leave, it’s okay to stay but make drastic changes.
This isn’t cruel. It’s natural, I’m afraid.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. At the end of the day it’s your life and you choose how you live it. Will you have regrets? Probably, but that’s part of life. On the other hand, I am a case manager for an agency that works with families like yours. I’d look into the department of health care in your state and sign him up for services. Good luck O.P. Rooting for your happiness
You should read The Dive From Clausen’s Pier, it’s about this exact thing.
Where is his family???