I’ve made a lot of progress in therapy but I’m overwhelmingly tired lately. I keep being disappointed by things that don’t seem to go how I expected or wanted. I feel like I understand some uncomfortable truths about life now. Like being a woman comes with a lot of challenges I didn’t use to understand. Or what it’s like to date men or how society pressures us to settle for bad behaviors. Or dedicate so much of ourselves to others with little in return but it’s just expected if you’re a wife or mother. Or it’s “bad” if you’re neither. Jobs seem to exploit hardworking people and reward toxic behavior or even mediocrity. Friends you’ve known a long time can disappoint you.
Now that I see more of how life is, I feel like, in your 30s especially, it’s so easy to focus on all the negatives of how you wished your life would had been by now, which can be scary. Now I just try to not care as much or attach to people or things but it makes it hard to appreciate the good moments. It’s a lot of work to train yourself to be positive and maintain that little bit delusion you need to keep making plans and chase your dreams and I sometimes feel silly and like I’m ignoring reality by doing it. What tips and tricks help you stay open and hopeful when things get heavy? What things remind you that life is still good?
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Positivity is a muscle you exercise, you just need practice looking on the brightside of things or what you’re getting out of a situation, and keep strong boundaries so you don’t put up with shit you don’t want to put up with. Don’t let a bad boyfriend keep you from finding your husband, aka don’t waste time with people who aren’t what you want, and even the most toxic places to work can have lessons and skills you can learn that will be invaluable to navigating a future situation. Ultimately you survive in the end, which can sometimes be the biggest win by itself.
You can have a mindset of life is happening to you, or you can take the mindset that life comes from you and the choices you make. You can’t control the circumstances you’re given, but you can control what you do with them. Also, setting smaller goals at first, and tempering your expectations to worst case, best case, and medium outcome so you’re pre-prepared regardless of the outcome can help a lot in just feeling like you have some control over your life.
I grew up poor, with an anxious mom with unresolved trauma and anger issues and absentee dad. I could have taken on their perspectives, that we’re stuck where we are and we just have to make the best of it, don’t try anything because you’ll just fail in the end, but I wanted more for myself than borrowing money from my parents and perpetually stressing about having enough money to pay the bills. College wasn’t right for me, but through the plans, choices, and lessons I learned along the way, I was able to climb from being a customer support agent to breaking six figures and competing with my master’s holding STEM husband’s salary within 10 years of me starting my career.
Sometimes I feel like I’m hanging in by a thread. I just lean on my relationships/friendships each day. I took up THC and ditched the booze. My tiktok algo has a healthy amount of dogs and farm animals. Then I share those videos with my partner and besties. One time a week I do something to socialize to break up the monotony of the week.
Its so super cliche but true: you have to slow down and notice things. The sun on your pets fur, the way the light reflects off water, the taste of a really good chocolate chip cookie, how alive your friend looks talking about whatever, the feeling of live music in your body, whatever it is.
Also, maintaining skepticism with hope. When you feel yourself getting cynical, pull back
I tried therapy
Relate to all of this sooo much. 32 has been a rough year of so many transitions for me.
What helps me feel better is joining leftist organizations to fight systemic issues you are referring to and engage in mutual aid.
I could be wrong about this but I don’t think you can simply use willpower to become a happy, positive person. I think it’s more achievable through actions and learning.
I’ve been reading ‘The Six Pillars of Self Esteem’ by Nathaniel Branden. It’s been an interesting read, it’s made me realize that we throw that term ‘self esteem’ around all the time without actually knowing what it means. But the book provides actionable steps to improving your sense of self. Definitely recommend it!
Volunteer at a Hospice, that will change your perspective pretty quickly
Gratitude as cliche as it sounds. Some meditation and grounding to prevent getting lost in negative thoughts.
A simple (in concept) thing you can do is a daily gratitude practice. At the end of each day write down or dictate into a note app 3 things that you are grateful for that day. NGL, some days that’s hard. For me I live in a city with a lot of houseless people so I can always at least remember to be thankful for a roof over my head and food in my belly. Or I look at the small things, like the blossoms outside my window reminding me it’s Spring. It may seem silly but I truly believe this kind of practice slowly changes one’s perspective. It starts training your brain to look for these highlights. And if you write or dictate them then you’ll have a list to reference on tough days.
I try to zoom in or zoom out, usually the issue is that I’ve attached “always” or “never” to something that can’t be either of those things, because I’m looking at it too closely in isolation or I’m looking too far away trying to squeeze everything into meaningful containers. Everything is actually an “also.” The world is very scary AND the robin in my birdbath is very cute.
But it took me a long time to get to that point. I don’t think it’s the cause of feeling better, I think it’s a symptom. Don’t put too much pressure on yourself to force any particular mindset. Trying not to attach is also attachment, unfortunately.
I keep a list on my phone called “Evidence to the Contrary” of wins, experiences, and good things I see in the world. A digital journal-list, if you will.
The list helps me challenge limiting beliefs about myself but also about the world around me (thus sweetening the bitterness).
For example, feeling rather low and unsociable as of late but had a lovely interaction with a cashier? Evidence that one CAN, in fact, be social. Feeling overwhelmed with a rash of upcoming appointments but still managed to get them in the calendar? Evidence that one CAN, in fact, coordinate important obligations.
Thinking the world is awful and people suck? Find an example of a decent hooman while out and about then put it in the list.
I find that referring back to it helps my brain keep an inventory of positive things rather than getting stuck in a negative thought loop.
Not being super reactive is my new “thing”. I used to be someone who reacted a lot. Reacted specifically in anger. I also find it lessens my anger or frustration towards things because I’m not giving it any energy or time anymore. It also bothers people who are attempting to get a reaction.
My big thing was towards the end of my 30s I started to weed my friends group to a small number who give as much as they take. Weeding out energy vampires both in my friends and family helped because I just don’t have the energy for BS anymore.
Alone time. I need time to wind down and relax. If I’m getting too aggravated by pure stupidity of people, I get away from people.