I’m not talking about abuse – I mean traditional forms of discipline, like slapping the hand or spanking, used by many Asian parents during upbringing.
From what I’ve seen (and experienced), many kids raised this way still deeply respect and love their parents. In some cases, even more than in families where “gentle parenting” is the norm.
So I wonder – is it actually harmful? Or is it just a cultural difference that’s misunderstood in the West?
Curious to hear from people who grew up with this – or who strongly disagree.
Comments
It doesn’t seem to work well according to studies I’ve never read.
Children and psychological studies show violence with children causes adverse effects.
So i dunno about any specific culture but the science says otherwise and I am a non expert so…
Most violence is a lack of maturity or inability to control a situation. Toddlers are the most violent age group.
I dont people should take cultural pride in harming those who cannot defend themselves.
According to research putting your hands on your children is very bad. It can lead to defiant behavior, poor relationships with your children, and it only temporarily fixes the problem but being hit by your parents won’t change their behavior long term. At all! Your children should not fear you like that.
Source: literally have a masters in this
Abusive people can love their abusers and if abuse is normalised in society there can be a “well why would I complain this is just how life is” attitude that makes it hard to be open about the pain abuse causes.
Spanking and slapping are ridiculous punishments used by people who don’t know any better or refuse to learn to be better. There’s no actual excuse for it and studies keep showing it makes things worse if it does anything
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Physical harm as punishment is known to have negative psychological effects on children, adults, even animals.
I believe everyone responds to each stimulation differently.
Hitting kid may work with some and didn’t work with some. Many such cases
Meanwhile, not hitting also work with some and didn’t work with some.
Perhaps some methods could work better on certain types of kids. But to know exact methods is another story and requires more care than most parents could dedicated to
Hey buddy, “slapping the hand or spanking” is abuse. Presenting it as “traditional” just makes you sound like an abuser.
I’m a foster parent. I’ve had lots of kids from ‘physical discipline’ homes, to be clear very few of the kids I’ve cared for are removed from their original home for that reason alone. As licensed foster parents my wife and I can be held criminally accountable for even “minor” physical discipline like slaps on the hand or spanking.
A lot of the kids I’ve had over the years would behave better for us than they would their parents or grandparents who hit them. It doesn’t provide a long term solution to the behavior or build respect. It builds fear.
Also, having kids honor/love/respect their parents especially younger kids is a very low bar to clear. I’ve had kids who were horribly neglected, abused, or worse who still love their bio parents with all their hearts. I’m glad when we have been able to help bio parents learn a better way than hitting and set the family of origin up for more success.
My mother is biracial & grew up in a culture that reveres elders without copious physical discipline. Respect is a two way street
I’m an Asian who got beat for “only” getting straight As, not A+s in fkn middle school. Dragged out of bed at 3am and beaten for not doing a few hw assignments and getting a C on a quiz. Slapped and punched, kicked in the groin for watching porn. Had phones, textbooks, and my shinai thrown at me as well.
But there was one time when I was offered 4 sets of 20 spanks on my calves, or being grounded from video games for 3 months, so basically all of summer vacation…
I took the hits like a champ that day. Wasn’t even phased. I was pissed as hell that I had to even get this treatment for doing well in my studies but at the time I was young and couldn’t rly think of how to dispute all that BS
All of this to say that getting hit is wrong. BUT I did appreciate the one time I was given alternative forms of punishment, not just rage fueled beatings
It’s very Wong.
Didn’t grow up in an Asian household but I didn’t like getting hit, even though it was just very rare spankings. If I have kids, I plan on not using any kind of physical discipline. I don’t think it horribly messed me up but I can see how it could really suck if it was a method of punishment used a lot with a kid.
I’m not Asian, my parents whooped my butt when I did wrong.. don’t consider it abuse, mostly because pretty much everyone growing up in that era got similar punishments.
Always wrong and harmful.
Wrong. Don’t hit your kids.
I don’t hit adults to control them, why should I hit children?
Having successfully raised two crotch goblins to be functional human beings, I can easily say there are much better ways to raise kids than percussion.
As a personal anecdote, “discipline” aka “spanking” and the such, are fantastically ineffective. The pressure broke me as a human being and one of my high school friends killed themselves because of it.
If my mom spanked me the way Asian parents spanked their kids, I might have been a doctor by now.
Jokes aside, I grew up being spanked. I avoid doing so because of studies showing it is mostly harmful.
To me, spanking and abuse are different, and I can’t really fault people for not keeping up with research you’d have to go out of your way to find when spanking has been done by everyone in your family since the beginning of time.
Asian or not as a kid who was physically hit it made me think hitting/fighting was an acceptable problem solving method. I was in 100s of fights and seriously injured a few people and all of that was all avoidable.
I think it is wrong.
Asian childhoods matter as much as white childhoods.
If an Asian parent doesn’t want their child to have a happy childhood, they shouldn’t have children.
It is actually genuinely harmful. I’m an Asian kid who was “spanked”. It didn’t make be better or obey my patents more. It just soured my feelings for them.
But when you’re Asian you’re kinda brought up with the idea that you’re going to take care of your family. And since hitting your kids is not a crime in my country or considered bad I have very contradictory feelings for my mom.
Do I hate that she did it? Yes!
Do I hate her? Not really.
It’s hard to explain.
Context: I am Canadian and my wife is Japanese.
My wife does not spank the kids but she was absolutely willing to slap their hands or such. I made it clear to my wife that I did not like that and am not comfortable with that. But my wife was not convinced, and never did fully stop. But it did become very infrequent and I cannot remember the last time it happened.
And as much as I am uncomfortable with it, I am not convinced that it entirely wrong at least not as my wife does it. I do think it is very goddamn different.
END COMMUNICATION
Yeah I think hitting kids is wrong.
Dunno about Asians, but in Latin America, it’s just a way of doing it. In fact, mothers employing some sort of violence is a sign of cultural pride (check out “la chancla”).
So, it’s just different.
asians ends up being more respectful and polite than other races so maybe they’re doing something right
thought i wouldn’t personally hit my kid, i would have conversations with them and explain to them why its wrong to do something
Of course hitting children is wrong, culture is no excuse. There’s always a healthier way.
That happens more than just in Asia or in Asian households. Hispanic here, and that’s standard practice in our culture. Doesn’t mean it should be, but it just is. And no, I don’t think it’s wrong. If I had kids, I probably would not resort to such methods, but I respect the right of parents to parent how they see fit.
I’m a study of one and it worked on me growing up.
I was a little shit and compulsive liar. I didn’t understand it completely at the time but I’m a better person for it and love my family.
I want to believe you can talk things out but some kids are little shits.
I’m not condoning violence towards kids but I believe finding the right method for each child.
Happy parenting.
Just because the kids still love and/ or respect their parents does not mean the children have not been harmed. You can be the most loving respectful child ever and have depression or an anxiety disorder.
I’m latino, my parents also used that discipline on me and my siblings. One sister who got married, had kids, and never decided to continue that discipline. She stopped the cycle. As for the rest of us, we decided not to have kids.
Therapist here. I get a TON of people that either 1) smack their kids and tell me it’s fine because “my parents did it to me and I turned out okay” (they say, in my office) or 2) people who talk about how much it scared them and they learned to say the “right thing no matter what” so their parents didn’t physically hurt them, which then becomes a very similar trend into adulthood.
I don’t think the culture matters, it’s bad and we shouldn’t do it. As someone who was spanked, it didn’t teach me anything other than to distrust my parents. The point of spanking is to humiliate, that’s not acceptable in any relationship; why would it be ok to do to a child?
Source: university degree in interpersonal communication with an emphasis on cross-cultural dynamics.
Asian children aren’t “built different” because they’re abused, yet still “love and respect” their parents. They often tend to be obedient due to strongly enforced cultural ingraining.
Eastern societies tend to have very “enmeshed” cultures (low emphasis on individuality, high emphasis on group think), which is why you often see Asian families say their child’s XYZ actions “bring shame” onto the entire family, rather than solely placing blame on the individual.
This type of “group” mentality suppresses individuality, which children need for normal and healthy cognitive and emotional development. If they can’t separate “I” from “us”, the result is often an emotionally stunted adult who has people pleasing tendencies since they fear being outcast from the “group”. These individuals also often experience higher levels of depression and mental health issues.
Hitting children is wrong full stop.
As an Asian, I think all of it was/is abuse.
You can’t hit a child that clearly cannot comprehend. That’s bullying. Period.
As for the respect you say, from my POV it isn’t really respect if you’re gonna remember someone as “oh I respect them coz they slapped me right”. Most of the Asians I know who “respect” their parents for it also lie to their entire families about their lives
I’m gonna go with the controversial pick. European and in my country, my parent hit me.
It s not as bad as it sounds though. Cos overall I ve probably been slapped or spanked about 8 times after I had really fucked up.
See if you hit your kid in really bad behaviors, your kid stops being a brat and you don’t need to do it often.
And it’s good to teach a kid that when you’re a dick to people, you can get hurt rather than them learning getting their ass whooped by a stranger as adults.
That’s however a completely different dynamic from parents who engage in regular hits, that cause actual damage(belt or just many hits). In that case, the kid ain’t t gonna learn shit but might get psychological problems
I’m Asian and was spanked. I seem well adjusted enough, but I know I’m emotionally stunted because I wasn’t taught how to regulate my emotions and wasn’t given space to express myself in a healthy way. I see lots of people in my generation stunted in the same way.
My cousin has three children and was spanking them regularly up until recently. One time their eldest (12 yo) was angry at his younger brother, and almost threw a heavy kitchen bar stool at him, even though I was right next to them. Later, my cousin said he was imitating her(!!) He was also conditioned to flinch when she raises her hand innocently. My cousin was not spanked as much as I was, but she often witnessed it inflicted on her brother.
This IS abuse, actually. Physical abuse, whether slapping spanking punching beating – is considered an Adverse Childhood Experience and is always morally wrong to me. It is proven to cause trauma related issues down the line and perpetuate itself.
It’s up to the culture whether they accept child abuse as okay or not.
I’m Asian. I have been hit as a kid. It’s wrong. Period.
No, it’s child abuse, no matter who does it. “Culture” isn’t an excuse, and it doesn’t reduce or justify the harm it does.
Hi. Asian here.
I got slapped and smacked a lot. Apparently the only spankings happened when I was younger than 4 or so – so I don’t actually remember it. Mostly it was just a slap on the shoulder/back. My dad used to threaten us with the belt but he never actually hit us. The threat was enough to get us behaving. My brother got hit the most. With all kinds of objects, chases around the house lol. We laugh about it now (he’s 28, I’m 31, sister’s 36).
The thing is, I didn’t even realize this was “abusive”. Because it didn’t feel abusive. We knew abusive. A neighbor kid had abusive parents and he would have a black eye or get locked outside sometimes. We could hear the screams. It was terrifying. The type of abuse we faced wasn’t physical. I don’t think my parents ever left a bruise on our bodies, but on our souls and egos and pride? Oh yeah.
The verbal assault was so much worse. Constantly being told you’re not good enough or that you’re not living up to your potential. Never being told that you’re making them proud. My mom stopped talking to me for an entire week because I got a B+ in 3rd grade… Nothing was ever enough.
I’m now an anxious perfectionist barely functioning adult who still asks her mom about what to do and what to have and what to wear.
Still, I do respect and love my parents and tbh I sometimes wish they were even more strict. The only thing they were strict with was with school and that’s the only thing I ever did right in my life. I wish they taught me how to be a functioning adult too: chores, time management, stress and emotion management, relationships, etc.
wrong, I am an asian. It fucked up my relation with parents. I don’t blame them, they grew up poor and was from a social background where these things didn’t matter.
I grew up like this in a Chinese household.
I left and went NC because the abuse was dismissed and the emotional neglect was normalized.
I don’t care that the excuse was “well you deserved it” or “I wasnt present because I had to work to provide for you”. The moment that you shame me for something that was not my fault is the moment I put my foot down.
Nothing about physical violence in a western world is normal to me.
I think it’s wrong to hit kids at all, and for two reasons. First is that it’s better to talk to them and explain what they did was wrong. If they just avoid a behavior out of fear of their parents, they’re not really learning full lessons or better behavior. If the kid is too young to reason with and talk to, they’re too young to understand why you’re hitting them.
Second and most important is that kids are always learning. They are sponges that soak up all sorts of lessons around them every minute of every day. They just don’t always learn the lessons you’re intending to teach. When you use physical violence to discipline a kid, you are teaching them that you can change other people’s behavior if you are strong enough to hurt them. You are teaching them that the people that supposedly love them will use violence if they step out of line, and that this is acceptable. Ideas like this can prime a person to abuse others or accept abuse from others.
If you kid steps out of line, I’m sure you can be an adult and actually parent them without throwing hands.
I grew up with physical abuse, so I’m extremely biased against it. I personally don’t think it’s a good way to discipline children, and I think studies have shown that it can lead to psychological harm. Maybe there is a way to do it right, but I think there’s also a way to parent without resorting to physical discipline
I used to think similarly in the sense of “it’s not abuse!? It’s just normal spanking” but someone put into perspective that if you hit another adult it would be assault, no matter how soft, the act alone speaks volumes. And it really got me out of the mind set. Yeah it may not be the worst case scenario but it teaches kids the wrong way to handle their problems, it makes them afraid of their parents, it makes them have the sheep mindset. Hitting your kids no matter the strength in it just teaches all the wrong things about growing up and handling your problems. I also realized that kids should have respect for their bodily autonomy. Why is it okay to hit a small helpless child that’s learning? Just cause you own it?? Nah. Plus there’s loads of studies that show it really does not help and is more damaging.
This is coming from a latina raised in a spanking environment.
There’s a very narrow window where spanking is effective. Kids lack empathy a lot of the time and it’s inconsistent when they do have it. The only time they really understand not to do something is if they have a selfish reason not to.
The quickest most acute way to do it is with corporal punishment. Not saying the aren’t other ways to do it, but trying to explain to them why something is wrong isn’t going to be much more effective than explaining it to a dog.
And if they don’t get corrected younger it’s hard to do it when older.
It’s bad. You don’t have to be a gentle parent, but hitting is bad, for the kid and you. It breaks something inside both of you each time you do it.
Take things away, ground them, talk to them, explain to them, but don’t hit them.
I think that hitting kids wrong. Just because something’s a cultural difference doesn’t mean it’s justified.
It is abuse and very wrong. Regardless of the ethicity.
All hitting is abusive
If an adult slapped another adult, it would be considered assault. If an adult slaps a child, it is still assault.
“Tradition forms of discipline” is abuse if it means physically striking a child. I don’t care what culture it’s from.
Hitting a child to get what you want out of it imo only teaches the child that that’s how you get what you want from others, by hitting them.
I was hit as a kid by parents and teachers. It did me no harm, other than unpleasantness in the moment.
I’m very white, but I was hit twice as a kid, once I don’t remember, the second time I was 8 and having what I now realize was probably an autistic meltdown.
I was a very nervous kid, my parents, especially my mother, were prone to emotional abuse when things were going wrong.
As I got older, I grew scared of my parents. Deeply terrified of misstepping or doing anything that could trigger my mother’s little “spins” (likely PTSD induced emotional dysregulation, but she doesn’t believe in the field of psychology so who knows). Even when I was getting bullied the shit out of me at school, I was terrified to tell her because I knew I’d end up being the one having to deal with whatever mood it put her in.
When she hit me the second time, I realized that was a possibility. There were later instances too of almost physical abuse, but no hands were laid on me- but she knew she could scare me.
I got older, tried to forget, tried to ignore the hell at school while I was at home, the hell at home while I was at school, and the hell in my mind all the time.
But it got worse. It got scary. She once kicked me out three times in one night of her screaming at me because I’m not straight… I offered to leave… that didn’t go down well.
A few times I’m surprised she didn’t hit me honestly, she was about to I thought.
Now I’m an adult, still in school, still need their money to live (no jobs I can physically do available in my area), still have them in my life. But I can yell louder than her now, I am smarter and quicker with my words, and I have an easier escape, at least between rent payments, if needed. Our relationship has been better, but the shit she put me through as a kid and teenager has genuinely messed up my head, nightmares and flashbacks, etc… Therapy I get behind their backs too.
Point is/TLDR: abuse of any kind relies on fear. Whether you hit your kid once, or it’s a regular occurrence, you are teaching them that fear is a viable and okay way to get what they want. There are better ways of disciplining your kids than hitting them, screaming at them, etc… anyone who hits or otherwise hurts someone smaller and more defenceless than them is a coward and incredibly weak person in my view. Don’t care if it’s cultural or not, abuse is abuse no matter what label you put on it.
Note: this isn’t to say discipline is bad, kids need to learn how to behave in society. But, using fear of violence, physical or otherwise, to do so is 9/10 gonna fuck up their heads as adults, whether they realize it or not.
First i wanna say sorry for my english, is not great, so some of my word i use may not be correct or accurate.
As an Asian, and got spanking if i misbehave at first i dont understand then overtime it make me realise, what are the thing that gonna get me spanking, now when i look back its quite effective for my disciplinary and my character, because once i understand the first thing on my mind was “Damn, i did this stupid thing. My parents gonna punish me for this” and NOT “oh, my parents hated me thats why they always hit me”. But does it affect me mentally? in some way, yes. But it dont make me hate my parents.
Abuse, its Very Quite Subjective when paired with Discipline.
Some people consider physical discipline of any form no matter how small is abuse to kids. So its very depended on who have set the standard of the meaning abuse.
I think any adult that needs physical violence to “teach” their child is a fucking monster, I don’t care where you’re from.
Physical discipline is ok, arguably necessary for some kids as a last resort to make it clear where the line in the sand is. It is VERY obvious which people never had consequences as kids.
Pushback to spanking is mainly a white thing. As a white, childless person, maybe it’s not my place to judge how children are reared in cultures that are not mine.
That’s not respect that’s fear.