Dealing with heavy subject matters relating to my family and my mortality as a 23 year old (call it a terrible Mother’s Day).
I won’t dive to hard on the details, TL;DR my grandma is going hard into dementia and will likely be inconsolable in the next <2 years. We've been looking into conservatorships, death by will states, etc, and just one nagging topic getting at my mother and me specifically is this form of dementia has a stronger hereditary component than others, and me having to sit down and grasp the reality of me in my mothers shoes right now for her, and the future where I'm in the hot seat. I'm only 23(M).
It didn’t really take long or any hesitation with the idea of suicide in the event I get diagnosed. It would be before I truly lose my mind, so I’d feel there’s nothing wrong with it as my life would be over in a sense at that point, you don’t ever recover or get better.
I don’t know if it’s immature, I can’t find the justification in not, you’d be hurting your loved ones more by existing in that state.
Comments
Absolutely. I’m older, and have thought about it a bit more. But there is a complicating factor- it is a very slow decline, and people lose their self awareness about their own condition and their motivation to act. I think many people start out with the intention not to live long enough to develop dementia, then they notice a few mental problems, but they still enjoy their lives and they still have an important role to play in their family and community. So they say to themselves “if it gets much worse, I’ll end it”, but then they just sort of lose sight of their problem and ability to act on it.
Medically assisted dying is problematic. A person needs to understand the choice they are making, demented patients can’t understand. It doesn’t matter if they signed a document five years ago when they were capable of understanding, people have a right to change their minds. It is appropriate to sign an advance medical directive that the only medical care you will accept is pain control, then you’re basically waiting for something routine like a urinary tract infection to take you out. I’ve seen people I cared about die this way, it sucks, but it is better than the alternative of keeping them alive as a shell of their former self.
My sympathies, it’s a horrible condition for the person suffering and the family.
However in answer to your question, I likely wouldn’t – there are treatments available to delay onset of symptoms that are more effective the earlier it’s caught & diagnostic tools are getting better at catching it earlier too – since you already know you’re at risk due to the hereditary nature, you’ll be on the look out for those even more & in a good position to do something about it.
I would not, personally. Firstly, I’m young enough to be hopeful that if the time comes, there will be treatments available that allow me to live significantly past the date of diagnosis. If the decline is gradual, I don’t think there’d be any specific point at which you’d be able to tell that it’s too much. Also, I don’t think it’s fair to assume that ‘you’ll be hurting loved ones more’ in that state, that would depend on the people involved, and the disease progression itself, which you won’t ever know beforehand.
Sure. I’m pushing 60. I built a great life for my family from literally nothing. The very idea of ever becoming a burden to them in any way is out of the question for me.
Have already taken steps to ensure it happens in a worst-case scenario.
If I got diagnosed with the early signs and knew it was just going to advance? Yes. If I knew I was going to get it in my 80s, I wouldn’t end things now at 40. I’d wait. Maybe set a reminder in case I forgot.
Alzheimer’s runs in my family and my dad and I have a risk of getting it. We concluded that we would rather die than lose our minds. I watched my grandfather go through it and he didn’t even want to live anymore but we had no choice in the matter. So after that we decided we’d want to go out on our own terms. Rather than let it ride.
Not if I were going to.
That’s like killing yourself now because you know at some point you’ll die.
But when? Oh yes. I’m afraid I won’t hit the target just right and I’ll leave it too late. But I absolutely plan to.
23 here as well. For me personally at the stage of life I’m at, neurological diseases like Alzheimer’s and Dementia sound horrific to me. I’d rather die than force everybody around me to watch my mind slowly deteriorate as I forget all of their faces, names, memories, etc and become unable to take care of myself.
Maybe as I grow older I can learn to romanticize the idea of getting old and going crazy like some people do, or maybe if I start showing signs I can hold out hope that medical technology will get better before it progresses too far. Presently tho, if I started showing signs tomorrow, I’d be looking twords alternative solutions.
I would like to go before I can’t remember my family. I wouldn’t just off myself because I was going to get dementia, but I’d like to be taken out before it gets bad.
I took care of my grandma with Alzhiemer’s and it was bad. I don’t want my daughter’s memories of me to be tainted like that. My grandma was such a strong, skilled, and vibrant person and just watching her wither away was so awful.
Human euthanasia is not easy to come by around here, but if it was I’d have a plan in place for when it’s time since a person with dementia can’t make those decisions for themselves.
Play RDR2 for the first time every time.
Absolutely yes, having seen it destroy someone first hand I really wouldn’t want to go through that. I’d be looking to check out within a year of diagnosis
I have it documented and my POA informed that if I’m diagnosed with Alzheimer’s or terminal illness, to just pull the plug. Don’t spend the resources and time delaying my death when I’m suffering or 10% there. It’s not fair to me or my caregivers, or the people who could actually benefit from those resources. If chances are slim I’ll survive whatever diagnosis, I’d rather die on my own terms.
Edit to add: I’m 28. It’s never too early to plan for end-of-life, because we never know when that’ll actually be. Also, my husband and I have both watched family members wither away from dementia, it’s not a fate anyone wants to live through.
Give me all the Molly and send me to Columbia
Not really.
Once you have dementia you don’t really care
After seeing what my grandfather went through, definitely.
You betcha!
Oh 100%. I’ve seen what dementia does. It’s not how I wanna go. Same with cancer, if I ever get cancer and it’s terminal, I won’t be sticking around either. I’d rather die with dignity and minimal suffering.
It would be irresponsible of me to answer this considering my country is trying to weaponize both medical records and social media against classes of citizens one party deems undesirable.
In America I don’t think we get life insurance payouts for instances of suicide so I couldn’t put that financial burden on my family. Now if I lived alone id probably wonder out of the house into freezing temps. I have a genetic predisposition to Alzheimer’s apparently and I watched my great grandmother pass with it. I wouldn’t be able to put that on my family. If I could get away with suicide by making it look like an accident I would.
Already way ahead of you. I told my wife that im going out in style with one of those pods from Sweden when I know the dementia is coming. That’s why I life life to the fullest know because I want know regrets when I go out way.
AbsoFUCKINGlutely
If I knew I was going to get what?
I read this as editing, and was thinking yea damn I would, if in twenty years other countries might have solved this issue with gene editing (the way we’re going in the U.S. it’s gonna be hard to catch up with science let alone new ideas)then I’m all for not ending things to give it a try
I have lost two family members to dementia. One passed away finally after not knowing to eat or move or look around… they became completely vegetive, non verbal, aggressive and required around the clock care. When they died, it was like my family took a breath they didn’t know they were holding for so many long and gruelling years.
The second family member still lives and i love and cherish them dearly. Thankfully they can walk and talk and coexist with others… But the mental and financial burden has crushed our family. I know deep down if this family member knew what it was doing they would have wanted a peaceful end of their choosing. Other family members have come to me and begged to not let this happen to them if they are diagnosed. They want and end. If the time comes and the disease comes for them, they wish to die peacefully surrounded by family with all their memories. Not struggle and drown in confusion and fear as their body and mind betray them.
It is the most awful feeling, grieving someone who still lives. The deep guilt of loving them so much but waiting for them to die to feel free from the grief and loss… its horrific. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.
Definitely. It’s my plan. I’ve communicated this to my family. I’d say goodbye when I could, then avoid the years when I’m clueless and a complete burden.
If I am ever diagnosed with dementia, it is my plan to take myself out before I forget who my husband and children are, rather like Robin Williams did. My husband has sworn to help me remember that I don’t want to live that life and make sure I have the necessary pills handy.
I don’t want to live like that, and I don’t want them to remember my like that.
Fortunately, we have absolutely zero history of dementia on either side of my family going back for generations.
Yes. My memory is my best feature.
Yes. My mother has dementia and watching her slowly deteriorate is horrifying. When I first put together my will, there were a number of things I put in where I would want someone to pull the plug on me, and I have since added dementia to that list. I have plans in place to get tested when I am older, as well as to reaffirm my desire to die if my competency drops below a certain level. If I can’t get to a “right to die” location, I have a number of plans to carry out my suicide as smoothly and painlessly as possible.
Yes, not immediately though… Obviously as I realized it was progressing…I work in memory care and I see what it is like from the early stages to the end. It’s not how I would want my life to end, but that’s my own personal belief. I go to work happy to start my day seeing people I have come to know and love, and I truly love what I do. I also see them eventually lose their ability to recognize anyone, speak, swallow and a whole bunch of other not pleasant symptoms.
Depends. If it’s alzheimers, I might stick around. If it’s Lewy bodies dementia, it’s time to go. There’s different types of dementia and some are more manageable than others.
Honestly I’d probably just end up forgetting about it.
YES 100%. I watched my grandmother withy that for 10 years. She reverted to sucking her thumb and was a vegetable for the last 5 whole years.
I already have my plan.
I’ve been joking for years about saving some money to take a one-way trip to Switzerland one day. [There are euthanasia centers there].
Honestly I wouldn’t think twice about leaving this life with some dignity and before my life derails completely.
Quality of life is a key factor IMO, also considering I already struggle with a physical condition and the future isn’t exactly clear or particularly bright. So I would definitely entertain the thought should things take a sudden turn for the worse in the future.
And I also hate the fact I’d be forced to spend a small fortune to travel across the border as my country can’t even debate such a law due to pressure from the RCC and their lackeys in politics.
It’s sad and annoying that to many desperate people, the easiest way out is jumping off a window or in front of a train.
The day that I can’t recognize my son or potentially grandkids, take me out. Preferably the day before.
No because of medical advancements and discoveries to be had.
There’s a corner we are going to turn soon that will bring medical technology to a level that’s un fathomable. I mean there’s cases of paralyzed people being able to walk now.
My father made some comments along the lines of how Alzheimer’s will not take him.
He watched his brother and his father go down that road and is not interested in the same.
My wife was appalled, but he makes some good points…..
100%, absolutely, not a doubt. I was my father’s care giver for 5 of his last 6 years watching him decline daily, the nightmares getting worse with each one and the constant suffering due mobility issues that came with Lewy Body dementia.
Sure. My grandfather, and great grandmother, just eventually stopped eating. By choice.
It wasn’t so much a matter of burden – they decided their quality of life had degraded to the point that it was no longer worth it. We support each other as a family philosophy, so there wasn’t much worrying about the burden.
I was too young to remember Nana’s passing, but I’m told it was in a similar manner to my grandfather; he made a general announcement that he was headed into the dark, by choice. He would no longer accept feeding by tube (he had advanced Parkinson’s, he could no longer swallow his food).
It gave our large family time to gather around him. I flew in from across the country, and we all got a chance to say goodbye and be with him at his youngest daughter’s house.
He died about 4 days after he made the announcement. Almost my entire extended family (50ish people) were able to be there with him that weekend.
He passed early Monday morning, with 3 of his daughters by his side.
As far as end-of-life goes, his choice to end it lead to the most peaceful, supportive death I’ve yet to be a part of.
I would, but finding the “sweet spot” is probably the trickiest thing when you’re dealing with your mind. You need to be certain, but also do it before your mind start playing tricks on you to the point you can’t follow your plan.
I’m 34 and I’ve seen my grandmother decline for 5 years into dementia. My other grandmother always felt like she was gone for years even before I could remember her and she died when I was a teen. I have no doubt it was a living hell for both of them. Like a daily terrifying nightmare of confusion. I see my parents are starting to decline too… I have the feeling I’ll get there as well eventually.
I’ll be honest, if I ever know for sure I’m lucid but I’m starting to fall into it, I end it immediately, no second guessing. It is mercy for my self.
I would, but I’m pro opting out for anyone that wants out. I don’t need dementia diagnosis to justify ending things. I imagine it helps with everyone that may take it upon themselves to get in the way.
I don’t want to live that life. We put our pets down so they don’t have to suffer. It’s barbaric that we don’t offer the same empathy to the severely ill
My mother just passed from complications from dementia. Her father had Alzheimer’s and lived with that for almost a decade. When my mind starts going, I’m out of here – I refuse to put that burden on anyone.
I certainly would consider it, though curiosity might win over fear. If not I’d just live a little and let myself die eventually
Married and 58. No kids.
I do keep my mind active with work and chess. I am aware of my mental ability. Mostly from work but I also keep tabs on my forgetfulness.
If I were diagnosed with dementia once I lost the ability to understand I have a wife I think I’d be ok to go. I can’t put her through that nightmare. The final memory of me not knowing who she is? Yea no ty.
Very likely depending on age.
My dad was deep in dementia from alzheimers and passed from covid in 2020. I am 59 myself and can’t imagine myself in the shape that he was in before he passed. I think that other than having to put my son in the position of dealing with me flipping the off switch, I would definitely not want to go through the slow fade into the empty shell of alzheimers.
So… Funny You should ask. I’ve been taking my father to the hospital for the last six months. He has Alzheimer’s, which is a hereditary form of dementia. I’m gonna get it. Today it was confirmed that he has Parkinson’s, also hereditary, also causes dementia. And for the trifecta, he carries the gene for A.L.S. so hereditary and causes, guess what, dementia. Of course with ALS, dementia is a blessing, being one of the most horrific things that can happen to someone.
I’m getting dementia period. Now as to ALS and suicide. Suicide is the only cure. Literally before I could get tested for the gene, I had to meet with a social worker of some sort and discuss when I would choose to end my life. Like how bad is too bad? When you can’t walk? Talk? Control your bowels? Eat? Blink? Breathe? You have to choose ahead of time because you might not be able to say or even understand when the time comes. So I’ve given your question a lot of thought.
Turns out I don’t have ALS. But still, I’ll get dementia. The answer I arrived at? I won’t end my life early. My father got lost in a restaurant yesterday. But he truly enjoyed being there. And he still has memories to share. He likes to fish. He can still tell old jokes and everyone loves him. I should be so lucky. Giving up isn’t in him and I hope I can live up to his example.
I absolutely would. I’m already severely physically disabled and can’t live on my own. I can’t leave the house on my own, can’t drive, can’t even take a shower without help. I very rarely even leave my bedroom. My mind is the only thing left. Once that starts to go, I have no reason whatsoever to stick around. I’d just be an expensive houseplant my sister’s family had to take care of.
Already have it all planned out.
Well, that’s a tough question. I’d consider ending it for “less” but that’s my depression speaking and I’m honestly not so sure.
From my personal experience, dementia is overwhelmingly horrible in the first years for all parties involved as the patient fights against this “transformation”. Once the mental degradation nears its end, it mostly becomes a problem for the relatives since the affected person stops resisting as they forget about the past and become a new self. You must not compare this two personas – the past and the present – but accept it and cherish both the past experiences and the new chapter.
Let me explain my own story: My grandpa suffered from a bad case of dementia. Seeing him everyday until he passed meant that I could experience it first hand. My mum and I took care of him until I got overwhelmed and luckily my uncles finally stepped in. He never had to move into a retirement home but could stay in his flat while medical care visited everyday to help us. In his last year, we hired a lady to move in and look after him 24/7 but still visited daily for a few hours.
Dementia happens slowly and the first signs show up years ahead. I remember him becoming more frustrated and impatient. Before I got my license, he would drive me around, but I eventually got really scared when he did so and I was glad when he finally gave in and stopped driving. In the first years, it was really a fight against an angry, frustrated man who slowly started to become aware of his mental degradation after desperately trying to hide and deny it. They say that you’re a child twice and he reminded me of a rebellious teenager that turned into a stubborn child. It really was like Benjamin button. I remember seeing that movie as a child and crying because I was afraid of death and eventually losing my grandparents. A few years later, when watching a horribly corny movie about a demented man in cinema with a platonic girlfriend, she had to hold my hand and hug me because I couldn’t stop crying as I was thinking about grandpa. He wasn’t diagnosed yet and would start to show signs of dementia two years later but I was so afraid of what could happen to him.
Fast forward six years later, the pandemic started and it was suddenly my job to take care of him as I could afford to stay at home since I was a student. He had become much more relaxed and just barely fighting against it. You could compare him to a small child. We were just hanging out, eating and relaxing but I remember becoming really frustrated as our conversations had become really simple. I tried to come up with all sorts of intellectual stimuli but he always refused. Refusing was sort of the last thing he would do – probably to have a tiny bit of control left.
One year later, he wouldn’t want to leave the house any longer and our walks stopped. As time went on, he literally had turned from a toddler into a baby again. That shouldn’t sound too negative since he had become really relaxed but you could really see that “nobody was there” (in his head). As his body degraded even further, incontinence became a huge problem but well better leave that out.
Apart from that, it honestly wasn’t a bad time. He’d sleep a lot, passionately eat food (and constantly search for more) and we’d watch TV and sometimes play games made for babies. You couldn’t imagine a more peaceful and chill guy than him – which was the complete opposite of his previous self. His previous self would have had really “strong opinions” about all sorts of political issues, often resulting in kinda racist, sexist, homophobic remarks. Now, race, gender, belief, sexual preferences, disabilities… it wouldn’t even matter in the slightest to him. As long as you got snacks, he’d like you.
Over time, he had forgotten my name but still remembered me in a sense that he didn’t feel threatened and recognised my as a familiar person whereas he’d show signs of anxiety with strangers of all kind.
In the end, dementia seemed to only affect us relatives whereas he enjoyed peaceful last years. Honestly, considering the recent political climate and turmoil all around the world, I was kinda jealous that he could live on without a single care about these topics – and only think about food and sleep.
There’s a story about a famous professor in my county. He, who was a great intellectual, would ask the same question as you do. After a long debate, he comes to the realisation that dementia would be an unbearable burden to him and his close circle so he’d wish for euthanasia. However, years later, when the disease had stripped away his past self and taken over, he was asked again about his previous death wish. “Do you want to die? If not, eat the cake” his wife tells him. To which he simply responds by joyfully cutting off a slice and stuffing it into his mouth. Euthanasia was off the table and he continued to live on as a different person until his death.
What this shows you: You can’t pre-plan the future and things can turn out differently to what you’ve imagined. There’s a way to deal with this illness and who knows if you can still live a few happy years – just a different “happy”. Right now, as a sane person, it’s tough to imagine but it’ll be a different situation once you’re actually affected by it. Then, who knows if you’d prefer to continue on living? That’s the difficult part about setting up living wills / advance health care directives
I knew a man who cut his veins when Alzheimer was starting to make things complicated for his family. Up to this day, that’s my definition of ultimate bravery.
Problem is, I’m not brave enough.
I have considered ending my life almost every single night for the past 33 years.
I doubt dementia would make me stop.
Yes I am. In therapy. I see both a psychiatrist and a psychologist regularly.