I caught this guy I was seeing video taping me on his phone during intimacy without my consent. I’d let him do that before but always on my phone since I don’t feel comfortable with anyone having intimate photos of me. I wasn’t that mad about that part. It was the after that made me upset.
After I caught him I was clearly very upset but I decide to continue anyways. I guess I was scared he would get mad which maybe he wouldn’t have I guess I’ll never know. He starts getting really aggressive tho since I’m clearly not into it anymore. He keeps asking me to talk dirty to him and starts to get more annoyed when I don’t. I tell him to just come already and finish so he can leave me alone.
He then asks me if he can slap me I and I say no. He then chokes and says I ruin everything. I tell him to not choke me right now. He pushes my legs down really hard and starts going really hard I tell him that it hurts and push him off slightly. He then turns me around and I told him not to tug my hair previously if we’re doing it from the back because I just got extensions but he does this time anyways and rips some of my hair out. I hear my hair rip like from my scalps. I still have a bald spot from that. After he comes I curl up into a ball and start sobbing and he apologizes not realizing how big of a deal it was. The thing is for weeks after I kept having flashbacks to when he was agressive and would have to run to the bathroom. I had to drop out of a class because I couldn’t focus. It’s not the video it’s the way he treated me right after.
Is this really bad? He did apologize and after weeks I ended up feeling better and forgiving him. I think I felt sort of… like spoiled goods? Like no one else would have me if I was treated this way. I haven’t been able to have sex with anyone else.
I feel like now since it’s over much of this is coming back and I’m thinking more about it. Because a part of me forgave him because I loved him and wanted to protect his feelings. I’m still not sure how bad this really is, but am trying to process it.
Ps I posted this in another group but I’m still so unsure and wanted a second opinion.
Comments
Yes, you were. I think this is rape but I don’t know
This guy should not be in your life at all
You were raped. It IS really bad. Talk to the authorities and get professional advice if you can.
that is the TL;DR. Here is a rule of thumb in case it happens again or someone else asks you the same question: if someone was sexually taking advantage of you without your consent, its rape. There is no such thing as unconsensual sex, thats called rape, not sex.
You never consented to him choking you, going really hard even though it hurt, and tugging your hair. He pleasured himself using your body without your consent and that is not only physically repulsive and morally reprehensible, but also very illegal.
if you tell no to someone for being violent and he/she still is violent, that is assault at least. You could hold a grudge against him, but most of all make sure you’re safe and maybe far from that guy?
Yes this was assault. I hope you are not still with him
He raped you girl, I’m so sorry.
You told him no, you didn’t want to continue but did so because he made you feel unsafe and forced you to continue with the threat of and actual violence. That was not enthusiastic consent. Ask him for the recording. File charges against him.
There were multiple steps in this interaction that were not consensual. Consensual sex requires an enthusiastic yes. Your partner should protect you and take care of you; do not accept anything less.
I’m sorry that this happened, I’m glad that you left him, and I hope that you can work with a therapist to help you process through your feelings. You can do this.
If you’re in the US, videoing you in a sex act without your consent is a felony. If he shares it, that’s another crime.
If he had sex with you and you didn’t want it/said no, that’s rape. You’re clearly having a trauma response. YES this is REALLY bad. You probably have suppressed memories. He doesn’t belong in any woman’s life.
Having been in a similar situation myself, I highly recommend getting a lawyer and a therapist. I trusted the state to take care of things for me against my attacker, as they said they would. He got nothing for the assaults despite having a confession, and 6 months probation for the videos.
If you can’t afford a lawyer, contact your local Bar Association and tell them you need a lawyer willing to take a pro-bono case. That means “for good” and is basically supposed to be free.