I (30F) have this friend, we’ll call him Jake (29M). I’ve known him for a few years. He’s had feelings for me. I turned him down for a date in August and hadn’t heard from him since. He didn’t even respond to my text. Unfortunately, to my dismay, he has moved to my same small town (what were the chances 🙃). And of course, I ran into him in person. He wanted to grab dinner and catch up. I wasn’t free then but said sure okay next weekend.
Well anyways, we had dinner on Saturday. It was going fine, I figured he wouldn’t pull any weird stunts since I hadn’t seen or heard from him in 9 months. He informed me that he had a gift for me. And I said “oh with you?” To which he let me know that we needed to walk over to his apartment to get it. I felt uncomfortable but I figured okay it’ll be quick. I get there and he’s showing me around (mind you it’s only 450sq feet – I don’t need a tour). After that he turns on Spotify and says “One Dance” to which I said no. He proceeded to ask (tell ?) me 5 more times to dance with him. I repeat no over and over. It’s at this point I realize, he could have simply brought the small gift with him. It was all a ploy to con me into going over to his apartment. He had this whole plan even though I hadn’t heard from him in 9 months, he doesn’t know if I’m seeing somebody or anything and frankly, I don’t think he cares. My friends think he’s being really creepy. I’ve been feeling enraged because why is it so hard for a man to respect a woman’s “no” and to lack the awareness of not conning somebody into coming over.
He’s now texted me to come over tomorrow for dinner. I clearly do not want and should not go. How do I draw a boundary while keeping things cordial or at least neutral when we live in the same small town? I don’t think I need to be scared of him but he has a pushy nature which has me uncomfy.
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> My friends think he’s being really creepy.
Yes! WTH!
He is using the pedo textbook of “I have more toys at home, wanna check them out”.
> How do I draw a boundary while keeping things cordial or at least neutral when we live in the same small town?
You never, ever, set a foot in his place again. Not two-person date, no chatting about anything meaningful via text. Nothing.
And if you aren’t good at setting boundaries, you need to mute him or block him so you will maintain your boundary.
No means no. He either respects it or you aren’t friends anymore. The end. A friend wouldn’t put you in this position to begin with, though.
Just say “No” and then block him. You can’t tiptoe around this.
A friend would never make you feel like this.
Yeah you might’ve seen him as a friend, but he doesn’t. It sounds like he’s trying to wear you down.
This was actually a dangerous situation. You don’t know him as well as you might think you do. He may eventually get frustrated enough with the rejection to try to force you. This date he set up he has already: lied, coerced you back to his place alone and then repeatedly demanded physical attention from you. Aka dancing. Danger 🛑
I would text back with ‘no thanks buddy’ or ‘mate’ if you’re in Aus or UK.Just totally changes gear on the conversation.
You’re not required to give a reason for the refusal.
This response keeps it cordial but the language leaves very little room for interpretation.
Repeat if hassled.
Ooof. I think it’s better to cut ties and stop being a ”friend” with someone that pushy. I wish guys like that came with a warning label.
Just properly say you’re not interested in him romantically! Don’t say you’re busy or whatever, just say you feel like he’s interested and want to make it clear to him that you do NOT feel the same way and do not want to date him.
Also, when a guy is being shady and I want him to back off / leave me alone- I laugh at his advances. Ik it sounds cruel, but when he’s being so disrespectful of my bounderies, I figure it’s time to knock his ego down a couple notches. It usually works.
Let him be someone else’s problem
So wait… he got you alone in his apartment to pressure you into a level of intimacy you weren’t up for, and he chose DRAKE to soundtrack that moment? Of all people?
In all seriousness, I don’t think you need to worry about being cordial with someone who seems to squick you out at every turn. You may not be able to avoid him entirely, but don’t put yourself in a position to be alone with him again. Walk around with a friend more often if you must.
He’s not your friend. Block and ignore. You don’t need to be cordial with men who try to break your boundaries.
Your friends are right, he is being creepy.
Because they’re still confusing a partner for a mommy.
If you respected your own boundaries, you wouldn’t entertain showing up at his house after he didn’t respond to your repeated attempts to maintain a friendship. He is not your friend, he doesn’t want to be your friend but he does want to get into your pants.
Respect your own boundaries and hoppers will ghost you for looser pastures.
They don’t respect women’s boundaries because they don’t respect women period. They don’t see us as actual people. They just see us as holes to fuck. I have stopped believing that men and women can be friends after reading too many anecdotes from women sharing their similar experiences. And I’ve had a male ‘friend’ try to sleep with me in the past. It was interesting that he was super religious, and kept stating that he only wants to be with a woman from his culture and religion. Yet he only goes after women outside of his culture. But I guess he thought I would be an ‘easy lay’. 🙄 Disgusting. I don’t talk to him anymore.
Your ‘friend’ may not appear dangerous right now, but since you’ve established that he lured you to his apartment with the hopes of getting sex, I would strongly advise that you create some serious distance from him. These types get too caught up in the chase of trying to ‘conquer’ women, so I don’t trust him. He may try to use alcohol next, or other means of getting you to drop your guard just to achieve his goal. He doesn’t respect you. And the fact that he let 9 months go by before he tried to get with you again is very telling.
Continue to be firm on your ‘no’, don’t give in after the umpteenth time he begs/demands something, don’t go anywhere alone with him (ESPECIALLY his apartment), and start being unavailable. You don’t owe him shit, and something tells me that he thinks he can ‘wear you down’. Don’t let him get comfortable stomping on your boundaries.
The gift thing is very telling, because he absolutely could have just brought the gift with him. But nope. It was just a trick to lure you to his place. He will keep trying as long as you keep entertaining him. I think for your peace of mind you should block him, or at least stop returning his calls or texts. Make it known that you are not interested. Me personally, I would have blocked him after that little stunt. You get 1 chance to disrespect me and my boundaries before you’re dead to me and cut out of my life permanently. My block button stays hot. 🤷🏾♀️
GIRL. We need to collectively be a LOT more freaked out that he just moved to your small town out of the blue, after months of no contact following you rejecting him. And THEN he lured you back to his house and tried to wear you down into dancing with him despite objecting FIVE times.
This is a dangerous, scary dude.
Anything makes you uncomfortable or have anxiety, its a sign to not proceed. This person doesn’t sound like someone you should spend any time with if youre having all these feelings.