I lost my Dad about 7 months ago to cancer. He was 78 and I am 46 years old. I have been embracing the grief as a form of beauty, because I believe the good and bad are part of the same coin. To have loved someone great is to ultimately grieve them if they leave.
I am “stuck” a little. I am yearning for having him as a compass and someone I would go to for advice. Now, I have been on a different coast than he for over 20 years, and in many ways my experiences diverged from my Dad’s in a way that made me feel like he could only give me so much advice. I have a lot of education and he never graduated high school, but he was pretty smart and could fix anything. All of that said, as a 46 old man I feel odd that I still crave guidance. I feel, guilt or shame, maybe (?) about these needs when I feel like at my age I should be rock solid and not need external support or guidance. I’m a great guy, but I am not arrogant enough to think I don’t need any male guidance in my life.
Men who have lost their fathers at a similar point in life. Did you grapple with this, and if so, what helped you?
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I lost my dad when i was 21. I’m 42 now. Growing into a man without him was very difficult but I tried to remember all the things that he taught me in the short time I had with him.
However, I lost my mom last October and that has been a gut punch. The only advice I can give is that the pain will eventually subside but you’ll never fully heal. Try to remember the lessons he taught you and implement them as best you can. Just because he didn’t graduate, he had exponentially more life experience than we do and I’m sure he dropped you some gems along the way.
I’ve raised my 3 kids and none of them met him before he died. But I talk about him a lot, have photos around the house, and I try to keep his memory alive. My girls never met him, but they know him.
My father passed in January of 2022 and I have not found my compass. It gets better, but the journey is learned day by day. I hope this helps and I’m sorry for your loss.
Age doesn’t matter. Everyone misses having support from a caring parents. I share your pain. I lost my dad to a brain tumor last September. I’m 31 and he was 61. I’m lucky in a sense that my dad had quite a few really close friends that’s I’ve know most of my life and can fill in that supportive role.
I became one for the wife and 2 daughters. They are girls, and we let them vote now…
My dad was 39 when he passed away in Oct 2020, I was 15. He had beaten cancer for the 3rd time, but the fallout from the treatment was too much for his body.
It was really tough getting through high school because he was someone I could always talk to about literally anything. Any question I could think of, and he had an answer for me.
Over 5 years, it has gotten easier, but I still never really found my rock again. Learning to navigate life as a young man without a father figure has taken a toll for sure. I never got taught how to change my tires or shave properly. I’ve been lucky the last year and a bit to have a partner with a great dad, and it’s been nice to have him grow into a father figure in my life.
Sending care, dude.
My father died in 92 when I was 15. I’m turning 47 this year and still think about him every day. It’s hard finding a compass, you may never. But that doesn’t mean you can’t be a great man, you just might have to work a little harder than people who have dads.
I joined f3 nation after I lost my dad nearly three years ago. It had done more for me than anything else I have tried including therapy.
Best part is that it is free. If you want to know more feel free to dm me. Google f3 nation and find a group near you
As someone who’s father is more of an acquaintance, hearing stuff like this is baffling to me. I can’t even imagine asking my dad for advice on anything.
Can you tell me what kind of things would you get advice from him on? Is there anything he’s helped you with over the years that really stands out to you or you’re especially grateful for looking back now?
sorry for your loss. my father also died of cancer. i don’t dwell much on it because he provided me with as much as he can. you have to accept that parents are flawed individuals such as yourself. they can be good/bad individuals so don’t beat yourself up if you didn’t get the ideal version of your dad. they’re in a better place now. no more pain.
I never had a dad for guidance. So while I’m not the target you’re asking for, I’d just say definitely appreciate the guidance he did bring.
A lot of people are out here just winging life. But he gave you the tools and foundation to wing it strategically. Youve made it this far, he created a strong foundation, now make the 2nd half of your journey your own.
I found my own way when I was 20. He lasted another 20+ years. It was sad losing him but I already had my compass pointed right.
I sought guidance from where he sought guidance. And became stronger for it. He was a man of the book and now I am as well, in a large part, perhaps, because he died and because he lived and showed me how a man could be more.
All I can say is learn to become the rock for others that your father was for you. Learn red flags…. And learn how to present your advice in a way that people will feel the same way about you as you did with your dad.
Psych2go is a good resource. Learning what behavior qualifies as a red flag is good too. Learn EVERYTHING you can about the human psyche, and how those with antisocial behavioral disorders view the world.
Also- it’s best to make sure your own compass is rock solid.
It REALLY sucks to lose the ones you love. It really does, and my condolences to you. But the best you can do is to become the type of person they always wanted you to be.
THAT, I think would be the best way to honor their memory.
I was a brand new dad myself, we had just bought a house. I was fairly new in my career. I had just set my compass, and I didn’t have time to change direction.
It was right where I left it with my topographical maps and wilderness navigation and map reading books.
As for how I felt when my father died and how I processed that, well, I was kind of pleased. My father was a vicious, violent, drunken, spiteful asshole. I was delighted to hear he had died, because it gave me an excuse to travel to Hawaii, so I could piss on his grave.
Sadly, it was not to be as he had been cremated and his ashes had been kept by the woman he was abusing at the time, and I never knew her name.
Still going to Hawaii though.
So sorry to all others that are mourning or felt grief over the loss of your father.
Lost mine when I was 35. I had two boys who were 4.5 and 2, and a 6mo daughter. Strangely, I leaned on my kids a lot as guidance for grieving. I told them that Papa was ok, and he was in heaven and he would always love them etc. I told them so many times I basically brute forced the belief on myself. It’s been 4 years now, and my kids will still talk about him, even the two younger ones who really shouldn’t remember him at all. I made him so alive in their hearts and minds that he essentially lives with us in a way. Sometimes I ask “him” out loud and try to reflect on what he would have done. Sometimes I talk to my mom or wife about it. In the end, I usually had a good idea of what I should be doing, but maybe didn’t want to dwell on it.
I know that doesn’t answer your question directly, but indirectly what I’m getting at is that you really can only get that sort of direction from within, but you can lean on others to support you while you find that direction. Good luck, if there was anything that my dad taught my siblings and I it’s that it is never too late to work on yourself. He started therapy in his mid 50s and got in shape in his mid 60s. You can always be better, but only if you put the work into it.
You may be struggling but you should know how lucky you are. And I get this won’t help but you but it shows the relationship you had. You should remember that. My dad died and it meant nothing.
Sorry for your loss. My dad also passed unexpectedly at 78 a couple years ago a day after getting a letter from his Dr that he had a clean bill of health. The first year was very difficult and I was in shock for pretty much that time. I mean my last call to him was the night of his passing telling me about the letter from his Dr. I was extremely angry because I felt like I didnt get alot of time with him because both my parents were older when they had me. Holidays were a no go. To this day holidays are not fun for me. I have managed to slowly get back into things that my father and I enjoyed to do together like go to NHL and NFL games. However, I expect July 1st his birthday to be permanently a hard day for me. I try to think about the good times alot to get through the rough times.
I lost my Dad 39 years ago in 1986. I can say the last few.months we had got closer than we had in the 26 years before. It was hard.but as times went on I leaned on my memories and my heart. I remember or tried to remember everything he taught me. I miss him to this day.
I think at 46, you have a much stronger compass than you’re giving yourself credit for. Remember, your dad’s father passed away at some point as well, and that certainly impacted who he became. And clearly he was admirable to you. So it can be done.
Paradoxically, the fact you’re worried about this is a sign you’ll be okay. You have his memory, and his influence and habits in you that you probably couldn’t shake off if you tried.
Your dad is always gonna be your dad. You’ll never be his peer in that sense, but you’ll be who he was to those of your lifetime.
TL;DR: I’m very very sorry you’ve lost your father. You yourself will be fine.
The old man lived to be 91. Mother took care of him. He went to the hospital, flirted with the nurses then passed peacefully. He left behind my mother and my DS brother. I worried myself sick about him. Mother didn’t want to give him up but she wasn’t nice to him and ignored his health concerns. He got cancer after those years of neglect. He recovered and was put in program where he had 24 hour health support which is where he met a wonderful couple who have since taken him into their home and given him all the love and dignity he finally deserves. Mother lived to be 106.
I lost my dad to cancer when i was 23. He was in his mid 50s. I’m in my 40s now and the way i grieved was through drinking and partying. I was too young and in denial that my dad would ever leave me before he ended up passing so i leaned on my friends and booze. I was a lost soul for a year before i felt, more or less, like myself again. And like you my dad was always my mentor whereas my friends were just that, my friends, and not a healthy way to improvise for a father figure.
Nothing can truly prepare you for the death of a loved one no matter how hard we try. We all have underlying feelings of guilt and helplessnes after they pass. Could i have been a better son? Why didn’t we spend more time together? Should i have apologized for being wrong that one time? Normal questions which I’m sure your father might have felt towards you as well.
The best way i found to cope is to accept that nothing you do can change between you and your father moving forward. He’s gone and at peace. Playing the hypothetical game will only drive you crazy, its best not to question but to realize and appreciate the time you had with him, the memories you hold and the lessons you’ve learned, and to take solice in knowing that he’s in a place where he no longer has to suffer of feel pain ever again. Most importantly, that he has faith in you, knowing that you are your own compass, and the path you take in life will be the one that is best for you because thats what he would have wanted.
I lost my Dad in late January this year. He was 70, I’m 39. He beat cancer twice and was expected to live another 15-20 years, but he got sepsis somehow.
Unfortunately, the early symptoms of sepsis were identical to the side effects of one of the cancer maintenance drugs he was on…which he would get in waves every 6-8mo for the past 4 years.
So, basically, the sepsis ran unchecked for 3 days before he decided to go to the ER. Within 8hrs, he was transferred to ICU, fell unconscious, and never woke up (still held out for 3 more days though).
Anyway, sob story aside…to your question, I’m fairly certain my dad would say either:
“Lost your compass? Make another one!” or “Who needs a compass when ya got the sun and stars?” Which, matter o’ fact, he taught me how to do both when I was a kid. Actually, he taught a lot of kids through Scouting.
Like, yeah, my Dad is dead. But he’s not gone gone. Everything that he had and everything he was is still here. It’s all around.
His socially awkward demeanor is still here, in both my older brother and me. His “I’m only saying two words but mean 1,000 words” is definitely still there with my older brother.
His stupid sense of humor and embarrassing puns absolutely live on through me (in fact, they’ve gotten worse lol). Hell, even his dumb chuckle makes an appearance every once in a while.
His “don’t just talk about it, be about it” can-do attitude is strong in my younger brother. Lil’ bro also has his “always a chore or project to do” bug too.
Every time I fix an error or overcome some obstacle regarding technology, that’s my Dad (he was a self-proclaimed “professional nerd”; IT management/executive).
Every time someone in the family buys something without doing any research on it first, and it turns out to be a piece of crap…yup, that was Dad haunting your Amazon account, lmao.
And, by spending time with my family (especially my brothers) more, it’s like Dad’s really not all that far away.
I lost my dad when I was 12.
Passed away in my living room.
Prior to this, he and my mom didn’t get along well and they broke up when I was about 5, but they never told us because they wanted to protect us from it all.
At 5, we had a house and a comfy cozy middle class life.
After the separation, we were homeless and Dad was gone. So I felt for years that we were just “waiting for Dad to come back so life can go back to normal”
1 year became 2,
Then 3,
Then 4,
Then 5, 6, 7.
At 12, he came back. But got sick and passed away soon after.
I don’t know if I can answer this as a result.
For as long as I have been walking on this earth, I’ve only ever raised myself.
Everything I’ve overcome, everything I believe, everything I stand for, everything I am.
I built it myself.
My mom and dad divorced when I was 16. After that, my dad remarried into a larger family. So for the next 35 years, I didn’t have much contact with my dad. His big family was happy with that . He came home one day from work at 71 years old working 45 hours a week and had a massive heart attack never recovered. Said my goodbyes at the hospital. He was cremated. I went back to work. It’s different for everybody. Grieving is even more different for everybody.
I haven’t yet and my own dad only lost his in the last few years, but I’m commenting because I’ve seen first hand what that looks like. I’ve seen a helplessness I didn’t realize my old man could possess once his father passed. I am assuming mine would be in even worse.