My girlfriend’s pansexual female friend has been inviting my girlfriend to hang out more frequently recently, mainly going to the gym, and my gf casually told me some of the things her friend has said to her that my gf didn’t think much of, but I find questionable.
She’s complimented on my gf’s legs, her body, and has called her hot/pretty on different occasions. But the thing I thought was most inappropriate is she keeps asking my gf if she wants to go to a Korean spa where all the women are naked. My gf think it’s weird too and is annoyed that she keeps asking, because she feels weird being naked with people she knows. But overall I make a bigger deal out of all of this than she does.
Am I wrong to think it’s hypocritical of my girlfriend’s pansexual friend to say these things to her and invite her to certain places just because they’re both women? At the end of the end of the day, her friend is still attracted to women and therefore I think it’s inappropriate to say these flirtatious things and be willing to see each other naked, not only because my gf is straight, but also because she’s taken. If any guy said these things to another guy’s girlfriend, the boyfriend would be furious, so why does she think she gets a pass?
It’s not that I feel threatened, I trust my gf, and her friend does not strike me as a person who would aggressively try to steal someone’s partner. Her friend is pretty shy and introverted, and strongly opposes cheating and supports healthy relationships, or so she does based on the countless reels she adds to her story every day. Which is why I find it even more hypocritical on her part. I don’t think just because she’s a woman it makes it okay.
TL;DR: Gf’s female pansexual friend says inappropriate things to her and wants to go to a naked Korea spa with her, and I think its hypocritical because her friend is attracted to women and she shouldn’t get a pass just because they’re both women.
Comments
I’m torn here. On the one hand, lots of women hype each other up by calling their friends hot or pretty or complimenting their bodies. Call it a response to the bombardment of messages telling women to hate their bodies since we were all tiny. Queer women are still women, and without being there I can’t really assess if it’s flirting or just drunk girl in the bar bathroom hype.
The naked Korean spa thing is weird though. I’m queer and I’d never want to get naked with my purely platonic friends.
Might get some slack for this but every person i know or have heard of who calls themselves pansexual really just mean “I’m a creep who’s hypersexual”
Has your girlfriend told her she isn’t comfortable with such comments?
It’s very normal for women to compliment each others bodies. Especially if they are gym buddies, I wouldn’t assume such comments are actually expressing an interest in your girlfriend so much as just hyping her up.
If your girlfriend has expressed that she’s uncomfortable and she keeps doing it however, that’s another matter entirely.
Similarly with the spa, nudist spaces like that are usually explicitly non sexual. Like you will be kicked out and banned if you ogle people. But if your girlfriend has said she isn’t interested and she keeps pushing, that’s wholly inappropriate.
Hi. I’m queer as fuck, and also in a polyamorous relationship.
It’s kinda normal for friends to compliment each other. Even saying ‘hot’, like… it’s not that abnormal, particularly for women hyping each other up.
And honestly, even the spa thing, I wouldn’t say is too ‘out there’. I’ve gone to plenty of highly niche clubs with friends, and it isn’t like these are romantic outings, we’re just having fun.
The thing that gets me though is that…your partner has evidently made it clear that she isn’t interested, and has explained why (and even if she didn’t, her answer is still valid and should be respected) and the friend is still going on about it?
Like… yeah that’s a stated boundary. I don’t think this is super terrible or anything, nothing that can’t be sorted out with a quick conversation.
“Hey, so I appreciate the invitations, but that sort of thing really isn’t something I’m interested in. I’ve already said no a few times, and that answer isn’t going to change, I’d prefer if we moved on and planned something else.”
Ideally, everyone’s still on mostly good terms and the boundaries are upheld and respected.
Have you talked to your girlfriend about this? Hyping your fellow ladies up is pretty normal but it’s nuanced so no one can say from this post if that alone is inappropriate.
It sounds like your GF should set some clear boundaries with her friend. She doesn’t have to be mean or anything ; she could use the Korean bath spa invite. Instead of just saying she isn’t comfortable around a bunch of random people in the nude, she doesn’t think it’s appropriate /respectful of your relationship.
If her friend has no ulterior motives, she should get the hint & hopefully nothing changes in their friendship. If she reacts poorly to that, though, hopefully it opens your GFs eyes because it would seem as though she has ulterior motives.