So this happened recently, and I’m still trying to process how it spiraled the way it did.
My wife was out driving with our two daughters when they got a flat tire. The girls, bless them, were super eager to help and begged my wife to let them change it. She told them no, understandably, she probably just wanted it dealt with someone she thought eould do it right, not knowing the kids were fully capable. So she called me and asked if I could come over and handle it.
I Ubered to the parking lot where they were. As soon as I got there, the girls lit up and started begging me to let them do it. A bit of context: a while back, I was working on my project car and the girls helped me swap the wheels. We turned it into a fun, teachable moment, they learned how to use the jack, what order to loosen/tighten bolts, all of it. They were surprisingly good at it, and we really bonded over the whole experience.
So here they were now, dying to show off to their mom how they could change a tire all by themselves. I thought it was kind of awesome. I looked at my wife and gave her a little “Come on…” nudge. She reluctantly agreed.
The girls absolutely crushed it. I supervised, helped with practically nothing, but otherwise they did the whole thing smoothly. I was proud. They were proud. I thought it was a win all around.
The drive home was… quiet. I didn’t think much of it at first. Figured she was tired.
Nope.
Once the girls were in bed, she let me have it. She told me she felt disrespected, she called me to do something she specifically didn’t want the kids to do, and I overruled her in front of them. She said it made her feel ignored, like her judgment didn’t matter, and like I was more focused on turning it into a feel-good moment than actually supporting her when she has made a decision. Then she went to sleep angry.
I apologized, of course. I didn’t realize how deep it went. To me, it was just a tire change and a chance for our daughters to shine a little. But to her, it felt like I brushed aside her authority and needs in the moment.
So yeah. TIFU by turning a simple tire change into a mini family drama and unintentionally disrespecting my wife.
Lesson learned.
TL;DR: Wife asked me to change a flat tire. I pushed her to let the kids do it and she felt disrespected because I undermined her authority. And she felt disrespected.
Comments
Eh, I don’t think you FU.
Hmmm. I don’t have kids and don’t plan on it but tbh it feels like an overreaction by her. I understand her side but with your supervision they did it correctly and learned some life skills.
Idk this may be something to talk about. Or maybe show your wife how to do it in the future. Changing a tire is a very important skill and she should know how to do it.
You sound like a great dad! Not to be disrespectable, but I feel something else is going on here.
You clearly meant well, and it’s awesome how capable and excited your daughters were.
You didn’t FU your wife did. She should be proud that she has two daughters who can handle themselves. Shame on her.
Your wife is delulu
TYWFU
She didn’t let her children show her a skill they were excited to share with her even once someone she trusted to make sure it was done correctly was there. She treated it like you said they could have a new phone after she’d said no for some bewildering reason. I wonder if part of why she is upset is that her daughters are apparently more capable than her.
Your wife is acting up. Sure, it’s probably not a good idea to let your kids change the tire if you’ve never seen them do it before and you have no way of verifying but if you’re there, what’s the difference between them doing it supervised versus you doing it?
You didn’t do anything wrong, feels like she might have been jealous of a moment you shared with the kids. Moms tend to have to take the role of hated authoritarian and dads the fun one. Sounds like she maybe felt like it got rubbed in a bit.
Sounds to me like your wife has some weird ideas about authority and gender.
My father taught us how to change a tire the first time we had a flat. He said not everyone who will stop is there to help you.
Your wife has a problem.
Ok, let’s say that she didn’t know that your daughters had learned how to do it and she wanted someone who would do it right.
Then you show up, and can assure her that they know how to do it and you supervise everything to make sure it got done right.
A rational person who thought you knew what you were doing would trust your judgment to supervise them.
So she is pissed off for what reason?
Why exactly did she not want the girls to do it? You framed it in that she didn’t think they knew how, but once you got there, that reason just went away.
She didn’t like that you didn’t follow her demand. It was more important for you to obey than to have a positive family event for your girls.
Seriously, think about what kind of person you would have to be to have made her happy.
You would have shown up and seen your girls capable and eager to show off their skills. And you would have to have told them no and not give a reason. Because the only reason was because it wouldn’t be what their mom asked you to do (and you can’t stray from that).
And that is a pretty fucked up perspective for someone to have. It seems very controlling and selfish.
So she’s more concerned about feeling like she’s disrespected and not the fact her kids know how to change a tire and can handle other responsibilities?
If she thinks her judgement didn’t matter, maybe she should think things through more. But that sounds easier said than done.
Honestly I think there’s something deeper going on because this reaction feels bigger than the moment. As her husband, you were leading and teaching a valuable life skill. Any dad or even mom would want that for their kids. You weren’t careless either. You taught them how to do it, you were there supervising, and they crushed it. That’s something to be proud of.
I get that she didn’t want them doing it alone and called you for a reason, but once you showed up, the situation changed. You didn’t ignore her, you gave her a chance to speak and she went along with it.
Now, if she’s still feeling disrespected, it might help to sit down with her and really listen, not just apologize. Let her fully express what bothered her and make it clear you hear her. Not just with words, but with your presence. Let her know your intention wasn’t to override her, it was to empower your daughters, and that you still value and respect her voice even when you’re in a moment of pride as a dad.
And maybe even say something like, “Going forward, let’s make sure we’re on the same page in front of the kids so they see both of us as a united front.” That shows her you’re thinking about the team, not just the win.
You’re a good man. Sounds like this just needs a little honest reconnection.
Ohhhhkay. Maybe there’s something deeper going on with your wife, because this seems like an odd thing to get upset about. But if I can address the kid part: keep teaching your daughters kickass life skills. It’s empowering, it’s liberating, and your kids will grow up without the prejudicial idea that some skills are “for boys” and some skills are “for girls”. Also, as a somewhat mechanically-capable woman, being able to tell a smug older guy in a car parts store, “thanks, but I know more than you” is a really good feeling.
I hope you and your wife can have a deep chat about her expectations and your kids’ feelings, because it sounds like they’re proud of themselves (as they should be) and they should feel supported and celebrated for learning a new skill.
Your wife has issues
This sounds more like she’s upset that she was proven wrong about the daughters and shown to be less capable than her children but is instead using the issue of ‘disrespect’ to justify her shame-induced anger. Good luck.
Your wife is completely wrong in every decision she made relating to this incident.
Info: Did she have a valid reason for not wanting her girls to do it?
Doesn’t sound like it to me.
You absolutely did not fuck up.
She’s not in competition with your daughters, and their ability to do something she can’t or won’t should be a source of pride.
She never communicated to you that the girls wanted to change the tire, and she overruled them. How were you supposed to know she had picked that hill to die on.
You knew the girls were capable, and you saw the excitement in their eyes. You asked her permission for the girls to get stuck in, and she gave it. If she felt strongly about it, she could’ve said so instead of agreeing and then secretly holding a grudge.
Is she in the habit of punishing you for not meeting a need that she has not expressly stated? ‘Cos this was on her.
It’s fair enough if she didn’t know that the girls were capable of doing the job (maybe it’s a daddy-daughter bonding thing and mummy bonds with them over other stuff), but having a preference for denying them of the joy of showing her they were capable, even when they were under the supervision of the person she knows can absolutely do the job (i.e YOU), that was certainly a choice.
If she had said to you on the phone “the girls wanted to do it, and I said no” and you didnt then have a conversation with her on the phone about how they were capable and she should let them do it. Then you asked her to let the girls give it a bash when you got there, I could see how that would make her feel overruled or like her opinion didn’t matter, but based on what I’ve read here, that’s not what happened.
is your wife a teenager?
you apologized? for WHAT?
her judgement didn’t matter? what judgement, about what, jesus, selfish prick if I ever seen one.
The real question is why doesn’t a grown woman know how to change her tire.
Man. It’s really too bad you didn’t read her mind. Absolutely horrible of you not to do that.
Many such cases.
As a mom of many, I can assure you a reasonable mom should not have had this reaction. My husband gets under my skin (married almost 25 years) about A LOT of things. And I do mean, a lot gets under my skin, within my bones, in my very soul. But, if he pulled this shit, I’d be instantly in his and my kids’ corner. I’m all for teaching moments. And truthfully, for as much discourse we’ve had over the years, we’ve been pretty good at no means no, don’t play us against each other cuz it ain’t no gonna work (nice try, kiddos). Even if she was grumpy at first, she really should’ve come around once she saw the value in all of this, the pride in all of ya’all’s faces. You were golden, OP, and did nothing wrong! And that’s coming from a Mamma.
Mom to a teenage daughter here, happily married for two decades.
You didn’t FU. Your wife did.
This wasn’t a parenting call where one parent undermines the authority of the other. Your wife told your daughters “no” not because of a household rule, but because she didn’t believe that they were capable of doing it. You knew that they were more than capable, and allowed them to demonstrate. You allowed your daughters to demonstrate hard-earned skills and feel well-deserved pride in their accomplishment. You were being a good Dad.
Your wife wasn’t angry at you ostensibly undermining her (the only undermining going on was your wife undermining your daughters’ abilities). Your wife was angry at you because she was embarrassed over the fact that you knew something about your kids that she didn’t. That made her feel insecure, and instead of being honest and vulnerable about her feelings, she lashed out at you instead.
I believe this is about something else, regardless, good on you, with your girls. Now, find out what is really bothering her.
Sounds like a reaction my narcissistic lying cheating sexytiming a former Yankees player ex-gf would have.
She was shamed, so took it out on you. Grown adults that can’t change tyres makes me quite annoyed. Having your daughters getting real experience is fabulous.
The next step is getting them to figure out how to get the tyre repaired/replaced – ie how to find the right business, and how to talk to the folks doing it.
Then, of course, how to use a compressor and tyre repaired kit…
Fine. Next time ask HER to learn and change her own tire. If she doesn’t, you change your wife.
(other than safety of course) What are parents for, if not to inspire, support, and encourage growth in their children?
Your wife is putting her fragile ego/issues above her own children.
Why did you apologise?
Lmao you are a nice guy. Hopefully some flowers will make up for being..a great dad?
IDK how she usually is, but that’s a weird reaction to me. I can kind of understand her, but as a third party with no context, it would seem like there might be something else bothering her, and this is something that tipped the scales today. Possibly warrants a deeper conversation if she feels that you ignore her requests frequently.
Nah, your wife FU here, not you.
You took a golden opportunity to lift your kids up – no, to give them room to lift themselves up. And it played out wonderfully.
Quite frankly, that’s more important than your wife’s hurt feelings, and should be to her too.
What the hell kind of example to girls who are already capable of doing it themselves is calling your husband, getting him to Uber over and “save” them??
Your wife is absolutely wrong, and trying to unnecessarily save face at the expense of your daughters’ development.
This is my take OP:
She wanted YOU to change the tire, why?
Why couldn’t your girls change it? They seem like they knew how, they proved it.
You did “kind of” undermined her authority. But think again, “she reluctantly agreed” to them doing it, so that’s not quite the same thing, it looks like you tried to get her approval.
You aren’t in the wrong here, your wife may have a point but is largely exaggerating.
So her judgement / decision is more valid than your judgement / decision?
Your wife seems to have some sort of control problem.
Instead of being proud of her kids for knowing how to successfully perform a necessary life skill, she was angry that you didn’t do as she said.
Prob should divorce
You were the one disrespected.
Nah, your wife’s in the wrong. You raised capable daughters who could have fixed her problem then and there, and instead, she made you spend money to go over and do it, putting down her daughters’ skills in the process. Then, when you did a good “dad” thing and let your daughters shine while supervising to ensure it went safely, instead of being happy, she got pissy because you were “challenging her authority” and “disrespecting her”. Good luck, and keep being a great dad.
“…I overruled her in front of them.” No, you didn’t. With you supervising, she could be sure they did it correctly.
not a FU. Wife fucked up in not praising her daughters for doing a ‘man’ job. Rather she focuses on herself and her feelings, not that her 2 daughters she thought were incapable were very capable. She wanted to be ‘rescued by her man’ not made to feel inferior by her 2 younger daughters who are more capable than she.
One dad to another, you are crushing it if your daughters can change a flat tire. Issue is all with the wife, not you or the girls. Wife needs to revel in her daughters doing better and more than her, not create drama over it.
Always support the next generation over the present one if you can.
Your wife was overruled with good reason. You need to figure out why her judgements are final, because that shit really doesn’t fly. She was wrong, should apologize to all concerned, and do better next time.
Or keep eating shit.
Yeah she agreed. Even if reluctantly. She agreed to let them do it. The only thing she will be teaching if this is her opinion of the matter is how to be stubborn. I hope she realizes the error in her ways soon.
NTA your wife is bitter because you and your daughters have a skill that she does not have.
Is she usually strong about classical gender roles?
In any case, good on you for teaching your kids basic life skills, regardless of their gender!
She’s embarrassed she couldn’t do it herself. Offer to teach her how once she cools off.
Family drama, or just your wife’s drama?
Sounds like most of the family just had a fun, sorry your wife didn’t want to join. She should’ve taken pictures or something.
Your wife needs to chill.
Every person should know how to change a tire.
Do buy your wife some nice flowers and wine. Tell her how much you love her and how proud she should be of your daughters.
So her feeling were hurt that you didn’t support a decision that makes no sense? Who rules against a teaching moment?
I think your wife feels inadequate. She knew you could change a tire, but she didn’t think the kids could. When they did it in front of her, she was the only one left who couldn’t do it (or thought she couldn’t do it). You were bonding with the kids over your abilities and she was left out.
She has bigger issues, bud.
Sign her up for AAA since she didnt like the way you fixed HER problem for her.
Well, I would not have expected her reaction. I guess I would have thought that she did not want to be the adult in charge when the kids changed the tire, not that she was entirely opposed to them helping do so.
Should something like that come up again, Id suggest asking her what her concern was. If it was that she did not want to be incharge, then what you did should have been fine, if it was that she did not want the girls to do it, she could say so and your response would be different.
But overall, I would have thought the same as you
Sorry, you did nothing wrong.
Her reaction is very strange and over the top. You knew your daughters can handle it and you were there to help if needed.
“Respect my authority” take on this is a bit of a red flag.
Not to mention, you looked at her and she seemed to give you the OK so she’s bothered by this. It’s her own fault.
Your wife assumed the girls couldn’t do it. She had never seen them do it with your project car. She made assumptions about their skills and disbelieved them when they were telling the truth. Your wife went full misogyny on them.
She made a fool of herself. She embarrassed herself and pulled the “I am being disrespected” card, the defense of the indefensible.
She owes your girls a huge apology. If she was clued in as an interested parent, she would have known the kids could do it. And you should be defending your girls rather caving to your tyrannical SO.
You married an ice queen
i would feel the exact opposite, knowing my kid learned and applied something new would make me so proud
If your wife is still mad, you really ought to let her read this thread. If she doesn’t come away understanding just how objectively wrong she was, then she needs some serious counseling. Not a single response in the entire thread in support of her position. Every single response says she’s in the wrong.
I don’t think you FU but these comments are so wild, and to call his wife a psycho, say she’s jealous of her daughters, or imply she’s trying to play gender roles is absolutely wild to me.
Reddit loves to jump to conclusions. There’s even people saying she may be cheating or hiding something.
Maybe the answer is something simple.
His wife had a flat tire with their children in the car, which is frustrating and honestly can really screw up someone’s day.
I can only imagine she was already tired, and with something like this happening, all she wants to go is get the tire changed and go home.
I understand their daughters wanting to help, but in that moment, but giving a tutorial is more time spent on something that was an inconvenience, and again, she probably just wanted to go home.
No OP you didn’t necessarily FU, but you did undermine your wife. She’d already told them no, before you got there and after, and you pushed until you got a reluctant yes.
That pestering probably irritated her more, and again she just wants to go home.
It’s just that simple.
It doesn’t have to be some elaborate scheme, or she’s being a manipulative woman. She’s allowed to be frustrated and tired.
How many times have we been out running errands, and something out of our control happens? We’ll want to go home, and not even finish our errands because the mood has shifted.
Get out of lala land, and realize these are real people, and their problems can be solved simple, and easy to fix when they’ve had time to rest or catch a nap.
Edited
Question:
Did she TELL you that she didn’t want the kids doing it?
Or did she just call you and say “Hey can you come help” and you showed up and the girls were like “Let us do it!” and the conversation of “I dont want them handling it” never came up?
The answer there will determine the outcome.
“Honey, they need to learn, I was there to supervise and make sure it was done properly, whats wrong with that?”
Nah, you didn’t fuck up.
If your wife is going to drive, she needs to know how to change a tire. That’s basic vehicle maintenance and safety.
I feel for your girls, and good on you for letting them demonstrate what they’ve learned!
Uhm. Your wife is a jerk. Id be thrilled if my kids could do that, and I’d still want them supervised by someone who could check to make sure it was OK. She is hindering then with that behavior.
Im sorry, dude.