We’ve been dating for a year an half. She’s my first girlfriend so there was a lot of learning to do when it came to pretty much everything.
Basically, she would get mad about something and I’d usually be the one comforting her or trying to rectify the situation. I’ll give examples but I’m not really looking for validation on whether I’m right or she’s wrong.
-One time she got mad at me for sleeping in a weekend when we had nothing planned. We fought over that one.
-One time I was late to her place [we live seperately and about 30-40 miles apart] because I had a tire check that i needed to address on my way to her place. We ended up not doing anything that day either.
-I didn’t react at all when she accidently spilled water on herself. We didn’t talk on the car ride back.
5 weeks ago we had a fight and at this point I forgot what it was about. I felt so fed up with the fact that we are always in a situation where I’m completely bawling and broken down and she’s telling me what I’m doing wrong
And about 3 weeks ago we had a fight where I didn’t tell her that I bought a steam deck and I felt uncomfortable telling her that since we have been saving for a house. She got mad at me dodging the questions (fair) but it blew up to the point that I decided that I needed some time off.
During that time, I felt like a form of release when it came to the relationship. It felt liberating to be single again. To be unfettered by anything.
I questioned why did I do all of this for her and I’m at the point where I’m not excited about the future.
Truth be told. We’ve been through a lot of ups and downs. She’s told me how she felt so lonely for so long and that she felt like she wouldn’t be able to find anyone. She also is a single child that lost her dad and feels nothing but alone in this world. No kids and she’s been asking me for them. I started off not wanting kids or rather being unsure about them. But now at my current stage, even if I were single again, I would NOT want to date anyone that wants to be childfree.
But the future seems so rocky and shaky. She’s also made plenty of remarks about my hobby (playing video games) most of which aren’t positive. Basically something along the lines of well you should play less or something like that. I’ve talked to her about it awhile back but she made another comment this past weekend after I was enthusiastically talking about a game.
I know it’s easy to say that we aren’t aligned or there’s just so many things wrong fundamentally. And while I listed everything wrong with her or our relationship, I’m not a good person either or completely infallible either. Due to living circumstances, I’ve saved a lot of money by living at home with the folks. I haven’t cooked because we own a restaraunt so I’ve saved a good amount on a house. However, I’m not exactly a functional adult. I don’t rely on the folks to do dishes or house hold chores but I also haven’t really needed to cook or learned how to.
Subsequently I’ve been feeling pretty behind and I feel super shitty about the whole situation.
Even though we’ve had our fights, she recently told me that she’s been taking supplementals to help get pregnant. (After we really talked about it, before we had our big fights). And when I heard that, at that moment, I felt a strange form of happiness, since we started working towards a future.
One other big issue is the fact that she wants me to buy a house with her at an area closer to her work area. Her commute would be like 5-10 minutes and mine would go from my current commute which is 19 miles (30 minutes if waking up before 5 am and avoiding traffic, 1hr with traffic on normal hours) to 37-41 miles (40 minutes to work and 1:10 on the way back). Currently it’s basically 20 minutes extra every day and I commute to work everyday. I’ve been doing that since covid too. But even with this commute and my shift work, I’ve been completely and utterly exhausted every day. I wake up at 4:30-5:00 and get back by 4 PM and it counts as a normal 9 hr day for me. I generally can’t understand how I’m supposed to be able to support a kid like this too.
I don’t exactly want to leave my job since I make very good money and I genuinely enjoy the environment I’m in. Not toxic and very collaborative.
The reason why she wants this house is because it’s in a very good school district and she finally feels a sense of community after moving to NJ. She hated NJ when she first showed up and felt alone. So when she found this place, she deeply wanted to stay in the area. She’s not from the country either.
Makes sense to me. Emotionally. I have support groups all over the area and so it doesn’t make too much difference between living one area or another.
I know it’s easy to say just break up. Everything is wrong. But I felt a sense of responsibility towards her. That I promised that I wouldn’t leave her. That I promised we would start a family. That she accepts all my flaws regardless. That I remind her very much of her late father and she misses him very dearly.
But truth of the matter, I’ve been feeling pretty broken by things over time and it started last November when we went on a trip together. We haven’t even had sex since then.
I’m so broken and I don’t know if Therapy is going to help. I remember at one point looking back at the pictures we had taken, I was very happy and excited to see her or be with her. But all the fighting kept breaking me down. And now I feel like an empty shell of myself.
tldr; I am her last hope and leaving her would be exceedingly difficult but coupled with the constant fights and always conceding to her demands, I’ve been feeling like a shell of my former self and not excited about the future. The past few weeks, I’ve been just saying “Oh whatever you want” because I feel that if I offer something, she’s not interested in it. At one point, I was excited. But I can’t also get over the fact of driving 37-41 miles one way per day to work 5 days a week. It’s non-negiotiable to her and we’ve talked extensively. Will therapy help?
Comments
Don’t have children or buy a house with someone you are not married to. And don’t marry someone who makes you feel like an empty shell. It’s that simple. A year and a half in should still really be the honeymoon phase, you shouldn’t be fighting so much. You’re a grown man, you don’t need permission to buy a gaming console with your own money, which by the way, it sounds like she’s more interested in than she is in you. Relationships are a team-building exercise, working together for the things you both want. Obviously we don’t know her side of the story, but this makes it sound like the only things that matter are the things that matter to her. It won’t get better. Good luck.
>But I felt a sense of responsibility towards her. That I promised that I wouldn’t leave her. That I promised we would start a family. That she accepts all my flaws regardless. That I remind her very much of her late father and she misses him very dearly.
Yikes. This is such a phenomenally bad reason to stay in a relationship.