I’ve never posted on reddit before so I’m not sure how to get into this but um yeah. Also trigger warning ig bc I talk abt sexual assault/rape and tmi stuff if U couldn’t guess from the title.
I’m 19 and when I was younger I was sexually assaulted semi often and it made me disinterested in sex so I’ve never planned on doing anything sexual. If it happens it happens but it wasn’t ever a priority bc I don’t care all that much to be honest. I’ve always assumed it didn’t affect me much bc I remember my assaults pretty vividly and they didn’t make me feel traumatized so I thought it might be fine.
Last year I took a gap year after I graduated high school bc I needed to get some money for college and recently applied. It got me thinking that I didn’t rlly want to show up to college as inexperienced as I am. I’ve dated people and have made out w them and stuff but I would always avoid things when they got sexual. (Obviously I discussed why)
It’s not that I haven’t been horny before bc I’m a decently healthy teenager so it’s gonna happen sometimes. It’s definitely rare but it’s not impossible iykwim? Whenever I do stuff I don’t ever actually finger myself I do other stuff because it’s more convenient and it’s a way to get it over with ig. But last night I was fooling around and I thought maybe I should just try it since it’s almost summer and I don’t want to go to college a virgin. And I did and it felt okay? Like it wasn’t all that great to be honest but it felt fine and maybe if I did it for longer it would have felt better.
But I pulled my fingers out for a second and they were so wet and it freaked me the fuck out and I just felt so gross. I had never been that wet (like there was literally a line pulling apart from my fingers when I took them out) and it actually scared me for some reason.
I can’t put it into words but it made me feel so dirty and disgusting and gross and perverted. And ik that I don’t even rlly have a reason to bc it’s normal that a lot of people do but I just felt so wrong doing it. But ever since last night it’s been all I can think abt and the thought makes me feel so disgusted with myself and I can feel the shame wash over me bc wtf? And yk it’s making me realize that my rape did actually leave an impact on me and now I should probably save up to see a therapist or smth. But in this economy maybe I’ll just suffer 😃
That’s all I just needed to write this somewhere bc I would rather die than ever tell anyone this lol
Comments
It’s awful that this happened to you and also that it affected you in this way. Hopefully you can heal with time. On this matter in particular, maybe you just need to keep doing it and hopefully it becomes a normal and natural thing with time, as it should be
Greetings stranger,
sorry to hear what happened to you. and being inexperienced is no issue whatsoever. i call BS on that being an issue for anyone.
And as for you feeling disgusted, it’s human nature. It’s not disgusting at all.
i understand that you could feel weirded out by it, especially after what you went trough.. But hey, whatever floats your boat!
i wouldn’t force myself to do something i wouldn’t like either, if you wanna try things then sure go ahead but i wouldnt recommend doing things that weird you out 😛 Maybe seek therapy?
Ciao i wish you the best
As an older woman who has talked to many other women which…
More of us get assaulted than you would think…
Touching yourself with loving intentions can help you heal.
I had dead spots as if the nerves were dead, I was able to bring those back to life by myself and later a kind partner.
Be kind and patient.