Let me just say, I am on a rant and I cannot take this anymore so Reddit it’s for you to listen to because everyone at my house is making me feel like IATAH.
My boyfriend (we will call him Ken) and I have been together almost ten years, we are both 30. We have been raising his teenage sister (we will call her Dani). For the last 5 or so years if not longer, I can’t even remember how long it has been anymore. In the last year and a half we have had our fair share of losses. Early last year, their step father passed away. Leading into my I guess mother in law (we will call her Ali) basically invading my house.
Ali is a heavy drug addict, has been using steadily over 20 years, her husband passed away an overdose where they were squatting (they had been homeless) and this lead to her staying at our house which I thought was temporary. Ken and I agreed it was temporary and maybe we would try to convince her into going to rehab. However, my bf is clearly severely traumatized and Ali is super vindictive and manipulative so every time we almost approached the topic she found a way to gaslight me.
Anywho — fast forward we hit day 30 no progress I tell Ken, listen you gotta figure out what you’re doing with your mom bc I cannot live like this anymore. She’s in our home high, stealing my clothes, belongings, money, basically anything she could in addition to purposely taking little things to break my chops at any given opportunity. I get it, it’s his mom but damn we have been raising his sister this entire time and it’s just too chaotic. I tell him he needs to make a plan address it and or figure out what is going on.
Fast forward – Ken avoids this – she ends up invading our home for 6 months. I have summers off and I was home with her every day. There was no relaxing constant worry of OD and Ali was constantly fighting with her teenage daughter. Ken was no where to be found – he works long hours and maybe saw her for 2 hours a day total so it was something “he could put up with.” But like no shit, 2 hours a day VS 12 hours a day for 3 straight months is SO DIFFERENT.
I finally, catch her in the act of stealing out of my purse. I FLIP out. Finally, lose my freaking mind and I tell her IT IS TIME TO F***ING GET OUT. My bf does not have the heart to put up boundaries but this lady is freaking nuts. She insisted this was her son’s house she could stay and I would be the one leaving (unhealthy attachment). I went and took her belongings placed them all outside and said SEE YA.
Finally, after some convincing both Ken and Dani that we needed appropriate boundaries, pretty smooth sailing. I think I was pretty damn generous in the first place to allow any of this when I’ve been raising her daughter.
Update to follow because this post will be long.
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Backup of the post’s body: Let me just say, I am on a rant and I cannot take this anymore so Reddit it’s for you to listen to because everyone at my house is making me feel like IATAH.
My boyfriend (we will call him Ken) and I have been together almost ten years, we are both 30. We have been raising his teenage sister (we will call her Dani). For the last 5 or so years if not longer, I can’t even remember how long it has been anymore. In the last year and a half we have had our fair share of losses. Early last year, their step father passed away. Leading into my I guess mother in law (we will call her Ali) basically invading my house.
Ali is a heavy drug addict, has been using steadily over 20 years, her husband passed away an overdose where they were squatting (they had been homeless) and this lead to her staying at our house which I thought was temporary. Ken and I agreed it was temporary and maybe we would try to convince her into going to rehab. However, my bf is clearly severely traumatized and Ali is super vindictive and manipulative so every time we almost approached the topic she found a way to gaslight me.
Anywho — fast forward we hit day 30 no progress I tell Ken, listen you gotta figure out what you’re doing with your mom bc I cannot live like this anymore. She’s in our home high, stealing my clothes, belongings, money, basically anything she could in addition to purposely taking little things to break my chops at any given opportunity. I get it, it’s his mom but damn we have been raising his sister this entire time and it’s just too chaotic. I tell him he needs to make a plan address it and or figure out what is going on.
Fast forward – Ken avoids this – she ends up invading our home for 6 months. I have summers off and I was home with her every day. There was no relaxing constant worry of OD and Ali was constantly fighting with her teenage daughter. Ken was no where to be found – he works long hours and maybe saw her for 2 hours a day total so it was something “he could put up with.” But like no shit, 2 hours a day VS 12 hours a day for 3 straight months is SO DIFFERENT.
I finally, catch her in the act of stealing out of my purse. I FLIP out. Finally, lose my freaking mind and I tell her IT IS TIME TO F***ING GET OUT. My bf does not have the heart to put up boundaries but this lady is freaking nuts. She insisted this was her son’s house she could stay and I would be the one leaving (unhealthy attachment). I went and took her belongings placed them all outside and said SEE YA.
Finally, after some convincing both Ken and Dani that we needed appropriate boundaries, pretty smooth sailing. I think I was pretty damn generous in the first place to allow any of this when I’ve been raising her daughter.
Update to follow because this post will be long.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Continued:
Well couple months go by we get back to normal and got some regular life shit going on. Then, Ken’s grandma passes away unexpectedly (she raised him). We had been her caretakers the last 10 years as well (due to Ali, his mom being useless).
She comes back to my house because she “HAS TO BE WITH HER KIDS” which ends up turning into 10 days of her being in our house. She degraded me, while I went to pick out a dress and items for her mother’s funeral. Paid for both Ali and Dani’s dresses because Ali has no money nothing to wear.
Ali continuously berates me and I explain to her that her time at my house is expiring: following the funeral she is to leave. Which also turns into a whole ordeal because she cannot understand why I do not want her in the house alone when we are at work and Dani is at school. Ali is also up all night running screaming, active addiction and man we are exhausted.
Finally she leaves and again peaceful. But still causes Chaos whenever possible.
This is your bf problem. If he agrees with you about not letting her in the house then he needs to tell her. You can’t do this by yourself. You might want to talk to the cops about catching her stealing.
I say this with love. Leave the man and his mom. Get rid of both of them. A perosn that lacks as much of a spine as your partner does is not a good life choice, and you also need to learn how to grow one respectfully. It should have never gone on this long and while I applaud your kind heart and your empathy for letting his mom stay with yall, it’s not your burden to carry. NTA, but stand up for yourself 🩷 you don’t deserve to be treated this way and accosted in your own home
Let me get this straight:
10 yrs, no marriage, you’re taking care of his sister and his grandmother. Y’all are 30. Mom, in active drug addiction comes to stay in your house for the better part of a year and CONSTANTLY steals from you. You finally get her out but then let her right back in.
This issue isn’t even your bf anymore- it’s you. The call is coming from inside the house.
Please go to therapy. You wasted your entire 20’s with absolutely nothing to show for it but a roomie with a fenty addiction. I honestly can’t believe you did that to yourself. Do you not want more for your life than to be an unpaid household employee?
I know that ppl can be really good at their jobs while being an absolute dumpster fire in their personal life but you’re teaching children and that makes me scared.
This man doesn’t give a fuck about you.
Do you honestly think he would do the same for your family? Not like you’ll ever have time to figure that out since you’re always taking care of his.
I’m guessing you don’t have to work so that’s what’s holding you back but is this worth it?
Stress kills.
It’s obvious you have a boyfriend problem. I’d run away to college near Dani.
UpdateMe
An additional info I should I guess add is that he also has no other living relatives other than his mom now so this is why we are in this situation. He has agreed to talk to someone but he has not started sessions yet.
Police
YTA — to YOURSELF. You’re self-sacrificing for WHAT? It’s not like anyone in that household cares for you in any way unless you keep your mouth shut and make their lives easy. Then they put up with you.
Find a way to leave ASAP. Take whatever joint belongings that will make up for some of what his mother has stolen from you. Protect your dog better than you’ve been protecting yourself.
Tell him ahead of time or don’t it won’t matter. He’s behaving like a child, but you’re putting up with all of it by NEVER enforcing consequences. What consequences have you even stated will happen if your boundaries aren’t respected? If you AS A PERSON aren’t respected?
They aren’t, you aren’t. Get out now. Be grateful you didn’t marry this man-child and have a baby with him.
What a mess. Throw both your boyfriend and his Mum out if you can.
Keep his sister with you. Help her with college applications.
Updateme
Updateme
Updateme!
NTA
Respectfully that boy don’t give a fuck about you and is literally using you to raise his family. Granted, as far as we know, his sister isn’t the problem but it’s not your job to be their caretaker. You were a caretaker for his granny, paid their funeral dresses, took in his sister, AND let them stay in your house rent free. My question is what does your bf do FOR YOU? How is he working 12 hour shifts but can’t pay for their funeral outfits. He doesn’t listen to you, doesn’t care about your boundaries, and is clearly okay with him and his family leeching off of you. Also yall have been together for 10 years but he hasn’t proposed? I don’t know if that’s a mutual thing or he just trying to run out the clock but YOU NEED TO LEAVE IMMEDIATELY. This situation is not healthy for your physical and mental health. Maybe your afraid of starting over or just haven’t thought about it but starting over would be best for you. You’ve already wasted 10 horrible years on him and his mom. Do you really want to waste the next 50 or so years doing what you’re doing now bc that’s no way for you to live.
Is she out now? If she shows up again then call the police and have her arrested for trespassing. Every time. Don’t worry or care what your boyfriend says. Your home is your home and should be your safe place. Change the locks. Get one with codes if you can afford it and change the code every day.
Girl leave
You have a boyfriend problem and it’s time for you to wake up. This is going to be your life. Do yourself a favour, save all of your money and go. This toxic environment is not worth. Leave while you still have some life left to live.
I came here for support — and a listening ear not to be attacked 🥲🥲🥲
He’s got it good huh? A girlfriend to raise his sister, and babysit his drug addled mother? No way you should put up with this crap, sis. Ten years is a long time, but imagine what 2 more would be like with all of this going on. Save yourself, love.
You are not the problem but you are your only solution so act accordingly. So far your behavior tells me you have gotten to a point with SO MUCH resentment. There is no turning back. Get your ducks in a row and gtfo.
Hey this is a very tough situation to be in. I know you love your bf and his sister who you’ve helped raise. But the way this man is acting is not an ok way to treat you. Consistently letting someone into your shared home that you cannot feel comfortable with being there is a huge problem. Giving you the silent treatment for telling him about the harassment you get from her? Dealing with addict parents or abusive parents is tough. It is a terrible disease. But if he’s going to hurt you and your relationship by doing these things then you need to seriously consider drawing final boundaries and coming up with a plan to leave. You can look around for support groups for dealing with family like this or seek professional help if you can or even organize an intervention yourself, but you need to have options for if that goes sideways and he’s not helping keep you and your household and relationship safe.
You can’t keep setting yourself alight to keep them warm.
It’s your home and your mental health.
You’re also trying to provide a home for his sister away from his mother not with her.
Your BF does not love you. He is not supporting you. He is choosing his deadbeat mommy over you. Pack up and LEAVE them all. Immediately. Tonight. He doesn’t give a rats ass about you, your wants, your needs. This isn’t love. This is a shit relationship.
Update me
You need to figure out a way to get out of there. Leave Ken, his mama and his sister. Sounds like you’re not financially able to make it on your own, but you gotta do something. Rent a room if you have to. Go back to where your family is. Just do something. Don’t fret over the 10 years you wasted on this dude. Just don’t waste another 10. He’s a weak, spineless AH who will only drag you down with his family drama.
Why does this sound so familiar? Wasn’t there a similar post a while back?
Updateme
It’s really hard to make emotionally healthy choices with people you’ve never had a healthy relationship with. He feels obligated because it’s his mom and he just lost his dad. I’m assuming she makes comments about him losing her too if xyz….
I think I understand where he’s at – but he has to put you two first. Yall have done more than most to assist his mom through this but she’s not willing to accept any real help or change. So it’s either he put his foot down with her, or this is the rest of his life.
Updateme!
BOYFRIEND? No girl. Run. Before this becomes a husband situation and you can’t ever get rid of her. Okay JK. Now for actual advice, you’re not the asshole. I can’t imagine being the child of an addict, putting boundaries up is difficult for anyone let alone someone who just wants to be loved by parents who aren’t capable of it. I’m glad you kicked her out and they’ll both realize with time you did the right thing. Just give it time…
The mom can’t live there any more, ever. Don’t let an addict into your home. You’re just enabling her. And of course, she’s making you miserable.
If you continue to raise the sister, think about getting legal custody, maybe through the foster system, so you can get some financial help in raising her.
And change the locks and all your passwords.
UpdateMe
Lock down your credit and Social Security # if you are in the US. Change the locks. If the child wants to stay with you let them but contact child protective services and come up with a plan.
NTA and sadly I think your relationship is over.
Additional comment for background: I am financially stable – I work 2 jobs but our relationship for the past 9 of 10 years has been really good – not perfect but not chaotic like this – this is new to us this year – his mom has never been around nor interfered with us raising his sister up until recent because she leaches on his emotions by stating she will kill herself or OD too if he does not answer her. Though this is complete BS – when you don’t have the tools to navigate someone like this. My family is very supportive and also tells him he needs to take steps to fix this and figure it out. This is a new situation to us so that’s why I ask for some grace on his part.
Updateme!
Nta you tell him that she stays our, or you call the police, because you caught her stealing from you.
Nta
Updateme
Did you say… your boyfriends stepdads wife? That is a stranger not his mom. What in the AI is happening in this story.
Updatedme!
Update me
I wasn’t sure at first, but those updates stomped on that scale. Get the hell out of there. At some point soon, you will be unsafe in your own home..NTAH
The minute she steals is the moment she’s gone. Tell BF you will call the cops next time. You get he is scarred from being raised by Methany but you both put your lives on hold to raise this woman’s responsibilities. You have put up with enough. Change your locks and make no apologies
NTA – What kind of fool let’s a drug addict live with them. So pathetic.
Updateme!
Updateme
Updateme
Do you own the house? Whose name is on mortgage or lease? It sounds like it is ultimatum time and sticking to consequences .
Just saying: This again is a new situation for us in the past year and we are both emotionally trying to navigate this. Our kid basically lost two really important people in her life as it is suddenly. We are all grieving and also trying to navigate a meth addict it’s not easy.
This has not been our constant but I cannot and will not maintain it to be on going.
[removed]
Look, OP. You are the only actual adult in this situation. And I’m gonna tell you now… You could’ve called CPS on your boyfriend at any time.
You guys aren’t married. I am assuming that for you guys to be racing, your daughter, you must have some sort of guardianship? Which would mean your boyfriend probably has the guardianship and you were vetted as his girlfriend who lived with him as being an adult who was approved as well.
But my guess would be that the actual legal documents show him as her guardian? Because if you guys have had this pseudo guardianship, that’s even worse.
But the fact is that if CPS had been called at any time in the six months, his mom was with you, Dani would’ve put been put in foster care. And you guys could have been on the hook for endangering the welfare of a child.
Stepdad died of an OD. If Mom’s been an addict for 20 years and you guys have his kid sister… It’s highly unlikely that his mother is unknown to the author authorities. Quite the opposite would be my guess.
So… Aside from the obvious that, yeah, his mom should never have been allowed in the house, I understand that his actions could put you at risk. If you have summer off, I’m thinking of a teacher? Which means you’re a mandated reporter? Obviously, just a guess.
But you didn’t report your boyfriend for having a drug addict living at his house. Do you start to see all the legal ramifications this entire situation poses for you?
These were some of the first thoughts that popped into my mind, because you already know your boyfriend has no spine. Danny is a kid. Obviously she hopes her mom is gonna be better and do better… But she’s not realistic, nor would I expect her to be.
My advice is that it’s time to leave. Your boyfriend’s unwilling to fix the situation. He is happy to have you handle all the shitty parts of this, and that’s not OK. And that’s because he can just escape. He can go to work.
With you out of the picture, he’s going to have to face facts. He’s going to have to get his shit together, because he’s gonna have to figure out what to do about Dani. He will not have you to hide behind any longer, and he will be forced to step up.
And if he won’t, it will all continue to fall into your shoulders if you stay.
Love really is not enough. Hope for the best and for the future is not enough. This is a terrible situation in the here and now, and you’re the only one who uses it without rose colored glasses.
It’s time to go
UpdateMe!
OP..
I am 40 years old and was a very bad drug addict and alcoholic for many years.
If your boyfriend is this unwilling to respect you, your boundaries.. to respect and honor BASIC FOMMON SENSE.. I don’t see what purpose it serves to stay in this relationship.
His mother will not stop. I don’t mean drugs, I mean all of it. Even if she gets her drug money/fix elsewhere, she will always be a constant threat to your peace as long as your boyfriend is going to remain spineless. Even if he does magically decide to be a man and take care of you and his sister, she will never stop until she is sober. Ever.
I think you know what you need to do. For your own dignity and self respect – and safety.
Updateme
I say this in the kindest tone I can possibly manage… you are NTA for not wanting a drug addict in your home and you certainly would NbTA if you left your spineless boyfriend. He should understand that as you are raising a child (albeit, not your own) a drug addict is the LAST person that child should be around.
Updateme!