Hi. All of this happened last night and I’m still not able to process it. I haven’t told anyone about this (not even my friends).
So I (21M) have this cousin from my mom’s side who lives in Vancouver. Never met the guy before yesterday because our families just never really connected or whatever.
Anyway, cousin Jake (not his real name) is in town for some work conference and decided to stop by for dinner. Nice to finally meet extended family right? Well no
We’re all having this totally normal dinner, talking about Jake’s job, my college and stuff. My dad likes to gamble a lot and seems like Jake is on the same boat so they started to talk about it right until my mom busts out the old photo albums and we’re flipping through pics from before I was born.
I make some joke about how dad’s mullet was a crime against humanity and Jake laughs and says “well at least your biological dad didn’t give you the ginger gene like my side of the family”. He was a funny guy so I thought he was just trolling me.
I literally couldn’t breathe. My tension went so high and I got very very dizzy. The room literally froze. Jake looked confused and then horrified as he realized what he’d done. It was a fucking mess.
Turns out I’m fully adopted and everybody knows except me. I also felt really bad for the cousin because I know he didnt mean to say it because now my dad is very angry at him and I know its not my fault but it still kinda feels my fault I dont know why
I just don’t know what to do I’m not being able to process this at all and it’s a very hard thing. I’m thinking of trying to go and find out who my real parents are. I just don’t know what to do
TL;DR: accidentally discovered I’m adopted
Comments
It sounds more like your family fucked up in this situation – You discovered an important thing about yourself, something your family seemingly tried to hide from you for a very long time. . .And in such a poor way. . .If they wanted to keep it a secret it shouldn’t have been information that everybody knew.
Knowing you’re adopted, even if you have no desire to meet your biological parents, can be important when talking about medical history – Even if it’s just to say “the fact that my dad had X and my mom had Y, and my grandmother has a history of Z” is completely irrelevant information.
You did not FU. Remember that you were chosen by this family.
I mean at least you’re an adult, happened to me as a kid (7) I knew it by accidentally looking at some pappers .. now I’m ok with it we don’t talk about it, and I never asked them about anything and tbh I really don’t need or care to know who they are. Hope you’ll get through this
Discovering you’re adopted on a whim is like getting hit with a bolt of lightning, it’s shocking, right outta nowhere! And dude, your cousin didn’t mean to spill the beans… probably. But anyway, try not to beat yourself up over this because, let’s face it, your adoptive fam picked YOU for a reason and their love ain’t changing just cuz of some casual comment…
That’s hard. I too am adopted and so is my girlfriend. We were told from young ages and grew up knowing which also brings its own identity issues and traumas. But my advice is to first sit down with your adoptive parents and have a big honest chat about it. They had their reasons to not tell you and though they may not be the right ones or what you wanted. You should hear them out. As for reaching out to find your real parents, take some time. Digest. Come to terms with everything. I connected with my biological siblings ten years ago now. It was a very scary thing for me. I am fortunate that it worked out well. My biological cousin, who was also adopted connected and it was a horrible experience. Which caused even more trauma to her. I personally think you need to have some difficult conversations with your adoptive parents and take some time to work out your emotions before you look up the bio parents. I do feel for you and I wish you the best on this difficult journey. Reach out to people. Talk to people. Don’t hold it in.
It’s insane that at 21 they never told you..I mean, at this point you know they love you, they literally chose you..it’s not like they were “stuck” with a kid..lol, but sometimes health related stuff can happen, it can be good to know your genetic history is different than what you thought.
Your cousin didn’t mess up and your parents both did themselves and told your entire family to repeatedly and consistently lie to your face for your whole life.
I wouldn’t be pissed I was adopted, though obviously that’ll take some time to process and work through. I’d be pissed that I was lied to non-stop about something like this by everyone that I am supposed to trust. If I was like five then sure, I get it, but an adult?!
Like most of these this is probably fictional but if this was true it would seriously damage my relationship with my entire family. That is A LOT of lying.
That’s so heavy, finding out like that would wreck anyone. Take your time to process everything.
oh, OP, I am so sorry! Your parents were ignorant. This is not something they should have kept secret for this very reason
This is a fuck up on your parents part. My cousins dad isn’t his bio dad, but his step dad. They got married when my cousin was an infant. My aunt wanted to tell him, but then dad died. She decided it wasn’t the right time to tell him. And then kept not telling him. All of us older cousins and the adults knew, and a few of us almost let it slip a few times. He grew suspicious, made comments about not looking anything like his dad or his dad’s older (bio)kids (who fucked him out of money and sentimental belongings after his death bc he wasn’t a “real” child of his).
And then when his mom did tell him, he was pissed at all of us for keeping the secret from him. He now understands it wasn’t our place to tell him, that we didn’t agree with how long his mom waited to tell him, but that she was also put in a tough spot as well. All is good now but tensions were high for a while.
You talk to your dad and tell him that your family are the ones who love and raised you. That will never change.
Give it some time. Then if you want to look for your bio parents realize and tell your family it’s curiosity more than anything.
Be aware that your bio fam could be anything along a spectrum. I’ve had friends who have had instant relationships with their bio fam, others who bio parents were also pissed that the secret was revealed, and bio parents who sucked and started asking their rediscovered offspring for money at their first time meeting. There Is no way to know what it will be like, so keep your expectations low. Don’t feel too bad if they suck, you got raised by an amazing loving family.
I’m sorry you had to find out like this. The only f up was your parents. All of the guidance says to be open with your children about adoption. This should have been a conversation between them and you many years ago.
Take a few minutes to breathe and find a counselor who can help you work through it. Finding out you’re not who you spent your whole life thinking you were is a huge adjustment. It’s perfectly normal to want to meet your birth parents and I hope things work out for you no matter what path you choose.
They should have told you well before you turned 21. Your parents handled this poorly, and their anger is probably projecting because they know they should have disclosed it to you sooner, especially if everyone else knew.
You might want to look into some therapy to help you work through it.
This is not your fuck up, in any way, shape, or form.
If anyone fucked up, it’s your parents. They raised you, and they should have told you, at the very latest, when you were 18, or earlier, if they thought you were mature enough to take it in. Yes, your cousin fucked up too, but this is something that shouldn’t be a secret, at least from an adult adopted person.
This is important information to have going forward, especially if you have medical issues. You should ask your parents if they have your bio parent’s medical histories. It can help your doctors sometimes.
Your family was absolutely responsible for letting you know you’re adopted way before you’re 21
It was your parents fault for never telling you and expecting everyone in the family to keep such a big secret forever. You, of ALL people are blameless. Their anger is misdirected, IMO.
Hey Im sorry that happened. Youre allowed to have feelings about this. Find somebody you trust and talk to them about it. This is a lot of information, feelings, and emotions, all at the same time. This might be a bit of a journey for you. Give yourself lots of time to sort through this. Its okay if you need a break from mom n dad but dont hide forever. Itll just make it harder to go back. They have a lot of information that you will need. Remember they are just flawed and fucked up humans. They made a bad choice because they love you. Doesnt justify but helps explain, poorly.
This is on your parents for not telling you. You have every right to know. Arguably, you should have ALWAYS known, but absolutely by the time you’re an adult!
They love you and will always be your parents.
jeeeze, i think finding out at 21 was prob alot better then struggling with it as a kid, like my family did.
Good luck finding your other family, and dealing with this info personally. I feel like my mom learning she was adopted and not having some sort of therapy to deal with her feelings, affected her entire life.
And my uncle apparently never found his…and he also never seemed to deal with it.
Your family shouldn’t have kept this from you. They FU, not your cousin.
Your parents did you dirty man. I’m planning to adopt and they will know they are adopted from the beginning
Not a FU on your part OR your cousins. Your parents should have been open about this from day 1. My aunt and uncle adopted 2 children and have always been open about the adoption. They have a close and affectionate relationship with their children who are now grown. It’s not a big deal and it shouldn’t be treated like some dark family secret.
Talk to your family, ask them why they hid it and whatever else you want, if they knew your bio parents (how they were if they did know) and go off from that
I’ll be blunt (mainly because I’m not good at comfort lol)
You didn’t blurt it out, and you didn’t hide the fact you were adopted either, so you’re probably more feeling bad at being the subject of the anger instead of the cause
Second hand embarrassment, except it’s second hand guilt
Also, just have a conversation with your parents after they cool down a little. It’s likely they’re too pissed off at your cousin to have one right this moment. Give it a day or so.
More often than not, stuff like this is hidden because they either forgot and just saw you as practically blood, or they were just unsure of how to have ‘the talk’ and just kept putting it off
Once tensions have cooled a little, just ask simple little things like how old were you when you were adopted and where, and see where the conversation goes from there. It doesn’t need to be an interrogation or intervention, just something casual
Your dad is pissed at himself, not your cousin because he knows he and your mom dropped the ball by not being honest when they could/should have. Now they are going to have to deal with it though obviously they didn’t want to.
You did nothing wrong.
There is no shame in being adopted – I think it means you were very wanted.
I don’t like that everyone in your family knew but you. That seems deceitful. And again, there should be zero shame in being adopted.
Take all the time you need to process and move forward at whatever pace feels right to you.
This is one reason why you should tell the child at an age they are able to handle and understand it.
As others have noted, that’s a screwup on your family’s part; they shouldn’t have kept important information about you from you, especially when other family members knew. I don’t see anything here that’s your fault.
I just wanted to point out that just because they’re not your biological parents, doesn’t make them not your real parents. This is still your family, even if you’re not biologically related.
Being adopted isn’t a bad thing. I hope you can process this in your own time and come to a happy conclusion.
You should not be finding this out at 21
I’m confused by
> He was a funny guy so I thought he was just trolling me.
immediately followed by
> I literally couldn’t breathe. My tension went so high and I got very dizzy.
Is there something missing in the middle? Did you think he was just joking, or did it immediately stress you out?
You family blew it honey. Youre fine. It’s 2025, and we tell people about their adoptions now.
Not your cousin’s fault. Parents should have told you a lot earlier lol.
For what it’s worth OP, my biological father is a POS and blood is not thicker than water. Your dad is your dad. Don’t let anything else come between that. Adopted is just a word. And even if you knew you were adopted prior, what your cousin said was still an asshole comment.
I know this isn’t AITA, but your parents are absolutely the assholes for not telling you.
Protip op: don’t call your biological parents “real parents” unless you want the people who raised you feel absolutely shit about themselves. You’re saying they aren’t your parents.
Jeez. Adoption rule 1 is ‘don’t hide the adoption’
If your dad is upset about it, he has zero right to blame anyone but himself.