We’ve been together for 6 years, lived together for 3 years, and recently bought a house together. Things have been seemingly good on the surface, but I feel like he’s just comfortable in our relationship, not happy.
What got me thinking about this is how he acts when he’s drinking. Over the last 6 months or so, anytime he gets a little drunk, he gets really mean with me. He’ll come up to me and say “fuck you” or “I hate you” and when I ask him what’s wrong and why he’s being mean he says nothing and he’s not being mean. Even when I’m not out with him, if he’s drinking, eventually he will text or snap me just to say “fuck you”. If I ask him about it the next day, he says he’s sorry he was drunk and doesn’t remember.
On top of that, he’s very avoidant of future-talk like marriage, even though that’s something he’s always said he wanted in the past. When I bring up marriage, he says we’re too young and he doesn’t want to talk about it. To be fair, he definitely has commitment issues and trouble making big decisions (even for things that don’t seem big to most people). Because of that, I thought his hesitation about marriage was commitment anxiety, but his comments recently make me think that maybe he’s more anxious about a potential breakup and that’s why he won’t talk about it.
I just don’t know if or how I should approach it with him. Am I overthinking this? How can I talk to him about it without triggering his anxiety and making him shut down?
TL;DR
My boyfriend of 6 years has severe anxiety that is suddenly making it impossible to talk about our future together. He has also become verbally hostile with me when drinking recently, so I can’t tell if it’s his anxiety or if he doesn’t see a future together. How can I talk to him about it without him shutting down?
Comments
Sounds like he’s having second thoughts about your relationship but feels trapped cause you bought a house together. No easy way out anymore. I would try to have an open, honest conversation about his behavior when he is sober. Tell him you know something isn’t right and that you’d rather get it out in the open now than let it fester and become a bigger issue.
So, every milestone I hit with my ex, he became more of a dick to me.
For some reason I thought therapy/meds/compassion would fix it. The security of marriage, going from renting to owning, all of it made everything worse. He was OTT stressed out by what I thought were normal transitions to adulthood.
When we decided to have a child and I got pregnant, he brought violence into the home by throwing things and getting angry unpredictably.
By the time she was 2 he bruised my body.
Couples therapy didn’t fix it. Meds helped him but he would go off of them. His pride was too wounded by the idea of thriving on meds. We were so happy for that brief window when he was on meds and happy, I thought we were in the clear when we decided to try for a baby.
Now I’m divorcing but tied to this man who was a dick to me and always will be a dick to me.
Just some thought.
Maybe best to sell the house, cut a profit and not lower yourself to be with someone who treats you so poorly and is so emotionally immature.