So, I’ll try to explain this as briefly as possible.
My mom grew up believing never to talk to guys once you get to 6th grade. Her sisters told this to her and she passed on such beliefs onto me. I was told not to make any friends. I was told not to talk to anyone in school unless you need something from them. I used to be childish and joke around with my relatives, and this made her furious. She used to lecture me that I shouldn’t laugh and joke around with people and just answer what they ask. Nothing else.
Then i went to middle school and I was told not to talk to guys, as every Indian mom does. She then told me that I was an unwanted child and she and my dad were planning to send me off to my aunt after I was born. This was not a joke, I asked this to my relatives till I was 18, and they confirmed this every time. At this point I started forming unhealthy friendships and crushes with people which kept on happening till I was almost 20. Apart from this, a lot of thing weren’t that different.
Then i went to high school and things started getting worse here. Apart from the study pressure, I started feeling very low, I was never happy, I was always in a tough spot. I didn’t have any good friends. This is when my dad passed away and she and my brother became a team. He used to beat me up and she used to provoke him. There was never an instance when she thought I was in the right. My brother dislocated my gums due to which I needed teeth treatment for over a year. Yes, she never felt sympathy for me and she still thinks I deserved that. What did I do? I just said “no” to helping her in cooking, in a slightly irritated tone. That’s it.
Then comes college. I made the worst possible friends here, I couldn’t even know who is what? Other friends of mine actually knew what’s right and wrong and I literally couldn’t know shit about people who I considered friends. Yes I still made unhealthy bonds with people here. This is where she started slut shaming me, saying that I could sell myself to any guy, she loves victim blaming every person on the internet. She started looking at girls and getting obsessed with it. She never asked about anything in my life other than my “female” classmates. “How many girls are in your project group?”, “how many girls are in your company?”, “how many girls are in your class?” Etc.. never asked about people in general, just girls. She keeps judging every girl for what she wears and gets disappointed in any of my female friends have a boyfriend.
Not very surprising but I don’t have a boyfriend.
Now she keeps on repeating things like “you have to be safe, if you live far away, you’ll get kidnapped, if you trust guys, you’ll get graped, never ever fall in love or get in a relationship”..
So am I the bad apple here or is there something wrong with my mother? If so, what do you think is the psychology behind how she thinks?
Comments
I have never heard of anything like this in my life. Im sorry there is something wrong with your mom.
Your mom’s controlling fear isn’t about you, it’s a cage guilt from her own trauma and toxic beliefs, trapping both of you in silence and shame. Break free by owning your truth, setting boundaries, and finding support outside the family. Your life and happiness deserve more than inherited fear.
It depends how you want to see it. I would say that I also think that people should focus on their own goals in life, and not be so wanted for a relationship.
There are serious psychological and emotional issues at play here. Your mother uses fear as a tool — fear of men, relationships, independence, safety. She constantly reinforces worst-case scenarios (“you’ll be graped,” “you’ll be kidnapped”) to keep you emotionally dependent and afraid of autonomy. This is a classic feature of coercive control and is common in emotionally abusive households.
The way she talks about women — including you — reflects deep internalized misogyny. This can come from growing up in a patriarchal culture where women are taught to shame other women for stepping outside rigid moral codes. Her obsession with your female classmates, her slut-shaming, and her focus on “purity” are toxic manifestations of this. It’s very likely your mother was emotionally abused or neglected herself (due to her being a woman, which is very common in third world countries like India which probably caused her internalized misogyny of woman) . She may have grown up in a system that punished emotional expression, affection, or self-worth — and now replicates that with you.
Also her telling you that you were “unwanted” or nearly “given away” reflects a deep inability to connect with or validate her own child, and I’m guessing the reason she wanted to give you away was because you are a girl, adding on to her her sexism. This may stem from unresolved trauma or a distorted view of love and worth. Never validating your pain when your brother was violent, taking his side, and blaming you for his actions is textbook emotional abuse. Provoking violence and then denying its impact shows a concerning lack of empathy and emotional maturity.
Your mother might fit into patterns often associated with authoritarian parenting (obedience above emotional connection), she also shows narcissistic traits such as her controlling behavior, lack of empathy, and projecting blame. She also is likely a victim of cultural conditioning causing her distorted gender norms, obsession with reputation, and extreme fear of social judgment (especially around female behavior).
With how she has treated you, and with the emotional and psychological environment she created. It is not “strict parenting” when a child is told they were unwanted and a parent condones violence against them. Emotional and psychological manipulation clearly has replaced love and safety in this relationship.
None of this is your fault. The fact that you’re asking this question already shows how much self-awareness you have, even after being raised in such an environment. You are not broken, even if you were made to feel that way.
Your mom sounds mentally ill. You should distance yourself from her.
Your mom sounds like she was raised in a patriarchal culture that doesn’t respect women, and she carries some trauma. Maybe she was forced to get married and was shamed by her family for having sex before marriage. Maybe she was sexually assaulted or raped. Whatever happened, she is treating you poorly and not making you feel loved or like you have an important role in your family. I’m so sorry because you should feel cherished! You can maybe take solace in the fact your mom doesn’t sound mysterious to me at all. I grew up with an old-world mom, too. She caught me kissing a boy when I was sixteen out in front of the house behind a tree. She called me a lot of bad names, yelling out loud, so anyone in the neighborhood could hear, and I was so humiliated. This is not considered normal in the US now, I live in the US, but 70 or 80 years ago, it was still common enough. Take a psychology class or two. It might help you understand your mother better. And it might help you pick up some of those people skills she couldn’t teach you as a youngster. I know it’s hard to learn those in your 20s and 30s when it seems like other people understand things you don’t. You can catch up! And, no matter what, whenever you go home for a visit, protect yourself from any male family members your mother might get to punish you. Get a job and work diligently towards your college degree so you can establish an independent life. Good luck!