Hi!
I’m having a really hard time lately.
I’m the middle of a ten day trip with my girlfriend of two years.
We have known each other since high school, I’m not lying when I say she is the best friend I have ever had, we have so much in common and so many shared interests, it’s almost scary, I get worried I will never find another person like her again.
I was just looking at pictures, we have had so many amazing times together, like amazing, it will never be replaced, I feel like she’s one in a million. It makes my heart break to know I might never get any more.
However the relationship part is faltering.
She has been having issues putting effort into the relationship, she expects more romantic and spontaneous, which I am, but she doesn’t do the same.
She told me recently she felt more physically attracted to me two years ago than she does now.
I only feel more attracted to her as time goes on, I told her that.
We haven’t been having sex like we were years ago, I communicate with her about it all the time and have tried so many things, I just don’t think our energy is the same and it always went like it’s my fault.
I tried to be slower, more confident, less confident, ask more, ask less, pretend I don’t want sex, pretend I do, she changes what she needs every month and it’s always the same result, not much.
I also feel like I’m not compatible with her like I used to be, she told me that I’ve changed since we first met and that too many people are reliant on me now ( my little brother’s, my family, etc)
However she seems committed to the long term, and said she’s willing to “suck it up” with how I’ve changed to stay with me.
I get worried this will only get worse as time goes on.
Some days are great and I want to be with her forever. Some days I just want to end things so I can move on with my life.
I feel like she’s the most amazing friend I’ll ever have, and I’m scared to break up with her because I don’t want to lose the thing I cherish so much.
I also feel like she’s not the romantic partner I should have, and that I deserve to feel desired in my relationship, like she is now.
We spoke a few days ago about all this and she admitted she has been lazy in the relationship, and promised to fix things, I told her I couldn’t keep going like this.
However deep down, I feel like the logical side of me knows that just won’t get better.
Is it time to end things? Is it possible things get better? Or should I end things now to avoid resentment?
This girl Is the love of my life in so many ways, it’s the most painful decision ive ever had to make and I could use guidance.
TL;DR:
I [M20] am on a trip with my girlfriend [F20] of two years. She’s my best friend and we’ve always been close, but lately the romantic side of our relationship has been fading. She’s said she’s less attracted to me than before, we barely have sex, and she admits she hasn’t been putting in effort. I’ve tried everything to fix it, but nothing sticks. She says she still wants a future with me, but I’m worried things won’t change. I’m torn between staying with someone I deeply care about or ending it so I can find a relationship where I feel wanted. Not sure what to do.
Comments
I hate to say this but, but, you will never change anyone else. You say, you try to be more confident, less confident…..pretend…..My advice, as you move forward in life, don’t ever change yourself for anyone else! Some people might disagree, they might interpret that as saying be stubborn or difficult. I don’t mean that you won’t have to compromise or negotiate or accept no. What I mean is to commit yourself to being honest, authentic, and genuine. Don’t change your behavior or needs or wants to fit someone else’s expectations. I have done what you are describing. I drove myself crazy. I thought, if I could be like this, my person and I wouldn’t have problems. I was so wrong. What happened was that it made ME miserable and as a result, I made us miserable because I was trying to be someone for them and I was defining what I thought they wanted and I was wrong. When I changed myself, by not changing myself, I started to feel happier, more present, with less noise and frustration in my thoughts which were influencing my actions. I am now incredibly happy, with my person (same person). I show up every day and we enjoy our lives together. I am not promising that will happen for you and your partner. You might decide to part ways, but you, yourself, will be happy in your own skin. I read “inner engineering” and some of what I mentioned is described there. It helped me a bit.