TL;DR:
Moved across the world to live with my girlfriend (31F) after a year of dating, including long distance. She’s great in many ways, but has a pattern of getting blackout drunk despite me (28M) setting clear boundaries that it’s a dealbreaker. Last night, 2 days before my birthday, she got absolutely wrecked again. I spent the night in disgust and taking care of her instead of celebrating. I told her we’re done and gave her options for what to do about our current lease. I’m not sad, just done. What’s the best way out of this?
I’ve been with my girlfriend (31F) for just over a year. She’s one of the most positive, happy, grounded people I’ve ever known.
We met while I was living on the other side of the globe. Then, due to some personal circumstances, I returned to my home country for 3 months and we decided to try long distance. It went well and I trusted her 100%.
I hadn’t planned on going back, but at the start of April, I moved across the world again just to be with her. We decided to try living together for 3 months as a trial.
After moving in, I noticed we were very different right away. Sleep schedules, cleaning habits, lifestyle rhythms. But I figured I could live with those.
What I couldn’t live with – and what’s been chipping away at me since the beginning – is her drinking.
She doesn’t drink often by any means, but when she does, it’s full blackout. Not tipsy. Not social. I mean stumbling, no control over her body or speech. It’s not cute or quirky, it’s just very disturbing.
Once, before we were officially together, she dragged me to a club. I went to the bathroom for 2 minutes. When I got back, some creep had taken advantage of her being completely out of it and touched her inappropriately. I don’t think she remembers. It took me months to get over that night.
And since early on, I’ve been very clear. I told her (calmly, and repeatedly) that if she ever got that drunk again, I’d end things. Not as an ultimatum, but as a boundary. I hate alcohol in general, but I’ve never cared about her drinking, just as long as she didn’t get drunk.
But after 5-6 separate blackout episodes, every time I’d bring it up, she’d always deflect and act cute. Then change the topic, and we’d pretend it never happened.
Last night (2 days before my birthday, mind you) she went out with one friend, and came home absolutely destroyed. Her friend wasn’t even tipsy. I’ve never seen her in that bad of a state. And any romantic love I had for her was just gone in a sec.
Instead of spending my birthday weekend together, I’d been up until 5am holding her hair, listening to her gagging and puking right next to our bed, and making an absolute mess in the bathroom (I had to sleep through with the vomit still on the floor, and I get absolutely disgusted at that stuff, so I ain’t cleaning that).
I had my wild days during my college years too, but I’d NEVER seen anyone this destroyed.
This morning I woke up, packed my laptop bag hoping she’ll not hear me and decided to head to a Starbucks and just get away from that house, but somehow she woke up and asked me if I want to break up with her.
I said “yes.” and left the flat. I sent her a longer message telling her that I decided that we’re done, and there’s no fighting or negotiations needed. I have decided to leave this country after a few more months.
She kept calling and texting me saying (again, for the god-knows-which time, how she’ll “stop” drinking), but I haven’t picked up or responded to her.
I’m done with this. None of her behavior signals stability, or, a dependable or nurturing potential future mother. I don’t wanna imagine a future where someone taking care of my (future) kids would get piss-drunk and displaying this kind of behavior in front of them, or worse, hurting them (she threw a full cup of water I got her yesterday on the carpet and spilled our wifi device)
In the message I told her she has options:
- If she wants me gone, I’ll move out. I won’t make her uncomfortable in the house she signed a lease on.
- If she wants to go stay with her mom, I’ll “buy her out” and pay half of next month’s rent and cover more from the deposit (I was the one who paid it). I think this is likely what she’ll do, since moving out of her mom’s would be considered dishonorable where we live (East Asia) and given her circumstances, unless she is married or in a committed relationship
- If we both stay until the lease ends, we treat each other like roommates. No intimacy, I get a second bed, no expectations.
I still care about her. She’s not a bad person. But she knew how much this mattered to me. It’s a non-negotiable for me to even date someone. And I told her, not once, not twice, but like 10 times (sometimes just in discussion when she hadn’t even got drunk) that this would break us.
And now that it’s happened again, I just don’t see any way back.
So, now I’m writing this post, a day before my birthday, running on 2-3 hours of sleep, from a random Starbucks, and asking: where do I go from here?
I am definitely sure it’s over, but now that we signed a (albeit just a short, 3-month) lease and equipped the place together… what’s the cleanest way to navigate out of this?
Comments
You’re sure it’s over.
You’ve given her three very reasonable options, in my opinion.
What else is there to say about it?
Holy smokes.
It’s not a firm boundary until you actually make it one. You leave, prepay the amount you owe her for the lease and you block her.
I wouldn’t offer #3. That just prolongs misery. Opt for #1 or #2. She’s an alcoholic and she sees no need to help herself at this point. You’re doing the right thing for yourself.
Sounds like you need to save up money, prepare to share a home with her, and get ready to start a new life. Stick to your guns. Best of luck.
Updateme
I am sorry that this happened.
I just have to say, in retrospect it may sound like you both living there until the lease is up is a reasonable option, but please reconsider that one. She will either A. Get it together for a little just to reel you back in and try to smooth things over until you hopefully just eventually try again orrrr B. you’ll be the one stuck cleaning up after her and babysitting if she gets like that again within the time you’re still there. I don’t know I just wouldn’t want to be responsible for that. I’ve been there with one of my exes it was a really icky feeling.
I don’t really understand what you are asking for? It seems clear you are leaving the relationship and for very justified reasons.
Her words about stopping drinking are meaningless because she clearly and alcoholic/has an alcohol disorder of some variety she doesn’t have control of this, it controls her. She needs a lot of serious professional help and a lot of time before she could ever be trusted on this issue.
You know you don’t want to stay in the country you moved to to be with her, right?
You make sure she’s got family and friends aware she needs help and that you are leaving because she won’t, can’t stop drinking herself into a incredibly unhealthy stupor regularly and she’s going to need emotional support and someone making sure she doesn’t end up dead/in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, assaulted, killed, while too drunk to handle herself, etc. Moving in with her mom is probably the safest, healthiest option unless she picked up her drinking habits from her mom or family there.
You make some agreement on the rest of the lease. And you plan your departure back to your home country.
Something like that?
Cleanest way out? You’ve done the hard part, you’ve decided this isn’t something you can live with and you’ve told her it’s over. The rest is details.
The cleanest way is to eliminate option 3 and go no contact.
I’m sorry this happened but also good for you for prioritizing your feelings about it. My parents were alcoholics and I’ve also ended relationships (like gone immediately no contact) with people who do this and don’t see it as a problem. You don’t owe her anything.
Since she refuses to give you an answer and keeps trying to manipulate you into staying, make the decision for her. It will be worse if you try to live as roommates though. You will never escape her trying to get back together. One of you needs to move and the other pay their half of the rent directly to the landlord for the rest of the short term lease. As far as the texting and calling, you will have to block her from all social media, phone number, etc. it sucks, but at least you found out sooner than later that you are not compatible.
Don’t beg.
Why would u date for a year with long distance?
She has a pattern of breaking your clear boundaries? Well the. Ur boundaries arnt very solid since they can be broken so often.
One is too many and a thousand are never enough. I hope she quits before she dies. I’ve been sober almost 8 years. The flip side of this is if she finds permanent sobriety she’d do well with you since you don’t care for drinking. I had to deal with a drinking spouse in my sobriety.
Anyway. Of course you have to leave. I’m sorry.
It’s no question she’s an alcoholic. It’s more likely unfortunately that she drinks herself to death than that she gets sober. It’s too much of a risk for you to hope she chooses the less chosen path.
Subscribeme
I would not live together. It will be too tricky and complicated, esp with her drinking problem.
Just here to say I wish women would make clean decisive clear breaks like this. A boundary was set and followed through. No dolly dallying, no doubting yourself just a conscious decision to leave and prioritise yourself. Op good on you and best of luck also start a class for women on how to be done with the constant disrespect
I think you’re doing the best this for you, but don’t just go along with whatever is convenient for her. She made these bad choices, so you decide what you want to do.
I’m so sorry that she had put you in the position, especially it being around your birthday aswell.. rather than showing up for you by celebrating, she instead decided to drink which is so messed up in so many different levels. I think you know what you have to do next.
If she isn’t going to grow up or change her behavior and act like a responsible adult now, who knows what she would be like in the future? She clearly has a lot of things to sort out on her own as well, and having that responsibility to take care of an intoxicated person often like that would’ve seriously taken a toll on you and your mental health (which it probably has even before the break-up).
I do really believe you are dodging the bullet with this situation and I do really highly recommend to get your own place!! You didn’t even have to give her options to begin with either… she’s overstepped your clear boundaries and that’s on her for not taking it seriously.
Hopefully once you move on from this, you’ll find someone who treats you well and respects you and loves you as you should be.
Regardless, you’ll get through this and I truly wish you the best!!
If you don’t feel any romantic love for her, cut her loose and find someone more in tune with your expectations. Trying to force her into a mould will just make you both more miserable than you already are.
At the minimum, you have a compatibility issue when it comes to an evening’s expectations (and it sounds like she has a drinking problem and is not ready to face it). You’ve already made the decision and packed your bags (you said you have them with you at Starbucks). Move out.
Fasted ended, soonest mended.
It’s not a “clear boundary” if you keep blowing it off. A boundary is a solid barrier, not a trampoline you keep bouncing on. You don’t set a boundary multiple times. It’s a once-and-done thing. Otherwise it’s just whining. Pack and go home.
Listen with all that complaining just forget about her. Stop stressing yourself and enjoy being single. No one will be gross throwing up next to you because you get the perks of being alone
The roommate option won’t work, since you’ve caved before repeatedly. You should take that one right off the table. Even if you don’t fall back into bed with her, you’d still be dealing with her drunken messes. So you’re worse off than you were before, cause now you just have a drunken roommate, with no benefits.
Come on man. Either leave or stop throwing a tantrum and deal with her drinking disorder together. You found someone you cared enough about to move across the world and now you pretending like it means nothing to you so that you can get the attention you wanted on your birthday.