I (26M) am originally from out of state and have been living in Philly for the past year attending law school at UPenn. I haven’t seen my family since January, and this Sunday is my graduation—something I’ve worked incredibly hard for and was really looking forward to celebrating with them.
None of my family has ever been to Philadelphia, so I planned a whole afternoon to take them around the city before the ceremony: sightseeing, lunch at a spot I love, the works. I wanted to share my life here with them and make it special.
My family started arriving today, and my brother came in early with his 2-year-old son. As soon as he landed, my mom dropped everything to go spend time with them—even though she sees my nephew 3–4 times a week back home. She completely bailed on our plans.
I was hurt. I felt like she didn’t care about being with me or acknowledging how big this moment is. I’ve been on my own for months, and this was supposed to be our time together. I confronted her and, admittedly, we got into a huge fight. She told me I was being selfish and dramatic, and now she says she’s not coming to the graduation at all.
I’m heartbroken, honestly. I get that she adores her grandson, but I’m her son too. I just wanted her to want to be here for me. Now I’m sitting here wondering if I overreacted or if my feelings are valid. AITA?
Comments
NTA, there is a favorite
You don’t pick your parents and if they don’t give you the love and support you deserve, fuck them.
NTA, and it sounds like she only came to see her grandson. Is anyone coming to see you graduate? I think it’s amazing that you succeeded and are graduating. Congratulations. Don’t let your mom ruin your day. Celebrate without her and enjoy yourself. If none of your family show up to your graduation, you might want to go to NC with them. Again, congratulations, and have a wonderful day.
NTA. Spend what time you can with your family and enjoy the fruits of your hard work all these years. I have a feeling this isn’t the first time she’s put herself first. You can’t change her but you can change your expectations for your own mental health. Lean into your friends and other people you can count on.
NTA
Remember this day when she tries to guilt you for that lawyer money.
She sounds awful and manipulative. I’m sad for you. You deserve better. NTA.
NTA. If someone can’t be there to celebrate your accomplishments then they shouldn’t be there in your life. Go no contact because this is a red flag of what is coming down the road.
ESH.
A grown man is jealous of a baby and a grown woman is picking favorites amongst her own children and then throwing a hissy fit when called out for it. This is either some AI crap, which it doesn’t really seem like, or it’s a shit show family that OP needs to step away from.
NTA. I don’t live too far from Philly. If you need a stand-in mom/or auntie, I’ll bring flowers, homemade cookies and cheer you on. I was the kid who had my family show up to my graduation to cheer on the boyfriend’s kid. When my name was called they were stone silent.
Time to shame her publicly. Post pics of your graduation and point out to all that your mother isn’t there because you aren’t important enough to her. She would rather spend all her time with the grandson she sees practically every day than the son who is graduating that she hasn’t seen in months.
The best thing to do is do well in your life and keep her out of it. Cut her off.
NTA.
She’s there to celebrate you and your accomplishments. It’s one thing to spend time with a grandson she already sees on a weekly basis, but to then say she’s not attending your graduation (the whole purpose of her being there) because you expressed your grievances is unacceptable.
It’s pretty sh!tty behavior actually.
Totally celebrate your hard work and do it with those who are there for you. If your mom ditches this ceremony she will be the one looked down upon. I agree that maybe it is time to go low to no contact with her. Even while she is there. This is all about you, not her so kick her to the curb, do not include her in your outings.
NTA. As a parent, it’s your job to ensure your kids feel loved, EVEN WELL INTO ADULTHOOD. I understand the joy and excitement of having a grandchild, but she sees him multiple times a week. This is YOUR well deserved time for you both to spend much needed time together and for her to celebrate YOU!! Law school is HARD. Let alone passing the bar and everything else about it later down the line. This is a big accomplishment and something to be proud of. I’m sorry you’re going through this OP. However, whether or not she comes, pay more attention to those who do show up and clap for you, instead of those who don’t… this will hurt not having her there, but focusing on your accomplishments and who is there for you will override that hurt. Congratulations on your graduation!! NTA!!❤️🎓
NTA but you have lots of sympathetic and empathetic here. I was the “independent and tough” kid in my family whose accomplishments we’re often overlooked in favor of my other siblings. However they said I was the favorite child but I was a child who had a play and my little brother was feeling bad so they stayed home with my little brother he wasn’t sick he wasn’t nauseous and he felt much better and not sad anymore as soon as I came home. But I was the favorite child so I had to understand things like this. My family had a terrible trauma when I was in high school and the rest of my family would sit around and tell me how everybody but me was traumatized by it. Got to love them but you don’t have to like them.
That fight sounds like at least one of you said really awful things.
NTA, and you can show her the same level of interest and care that she’s showing you: very little. If she really refuses to attend your graduation, that’s a no contact worthy offense.
NTA – Your family isn’t supportive. You deserve to have better people in your life. And I’m proud of you for telling your mom how you feel. She’s horrible for calling you selfish & dramatic. Don’t beg people to be there for you. The right ones will. Family isn’t always blood. Oh, btw CONGRATULATIONS!!! 🎉👨🎓 Enjoy your day.
I’m proud of you! Congratulations on this hard-earned achievement! Sending virtual mom hugs! 👏🏾🎉👏🏾👨🏽🎓👏🏾🫶🏽
Take lots of pictures and post them all over your socials.
Frame them for your grandparents, you get where I’m going with this.
Your mom will rue the day.
NTA your mom failed you.
NTA Sounds like Mom doesn’t like being called out on her selfishness. That’s what it is and she knows it. If she does make it to your graduation, please do not apologize to her. She dropped the ball and needs to apologize to you. This is narcissistic behavior and she needs to be held accountable.
NTA. I’m so sorry she can’t give you the love, respect and support you have earned. Congratulations on your graduation. I hope you realize that what she is doing to your relationship may be irrevocable. And I’m surprised your brother is letting her do this. He has some control here too. good luck, sir.
Sometimes we have to find our own family, if the one we started with is toxic and cruel.
NTA, I notice this happens a lot. Once there are grandkids the kids are less interesting since they are not cute and cuddly. I am happily childfree and once my brother had kids every family event is now about the grandkids.
NTA it’s her loss and one she will forever regret
NTA your mom values being a doting granny more than a half decent mother. If you look back honestly, you’ll find other examples of her obvious favouritism which you’ve probably blocked out. Please ignore them & accept the offers of those redditors near you who’d love to come & cheer for you. Better than an ugly old fossil granny who’s likely to make the whole thing about her grandson & not you.
First, let me say congratulations on your achievement. What you have achieved is an amazing feat. You should be proud of yourself. Heck, I’m proud of you.
As an involved mother to tweens, with one who is considering becoming a lawyer as his career choice,
I can’t help but wonder though how exactly did you call her out? Was this in a calm manner being vulnerable or did you do it with an accusatory tone setting the stage for her to become defensive?
Not knowing exactly the context of your discussion, I’d say you may have both escalated things too far.
She did come and see you, plans don’t always go as you hope. Your brother and your baby nephew are there and are your family too, so maybe your plans should have included everyone, cause it sounds like you planned more of a one on one with your mom more than anything. If that’s the case that should have been spoken about before she arrived and maybe even not invited to your sibling? Your graduation is a family event and asking for one on one time is a little inappropriate while everyone is there. Maybe you should have asked for her to stay an extra night, while everyone else returns home? You are putting her in a difficult spot asking her to spend time with just you and not her grandchild, even if she does see him a few times a week. Believe me, she has enough love for all of you, just don’t make her choose and come up with a better time to get some one on one time with her. Babies nap and go to sleep early (usually), maybe you can ask to take her to lunch when the baby is down for a nap?
NTA. That’s favoritism and she just doesn’t care about you as much as her precious grandson. She threaten you that she won’t be coming to graduation, that’s controlling, honestly, if it’s me, I’ll inform the office that my mom won’t be coming and give up her seat for someone else, to ensure that even if it’s an empty threat or whatsoever, she won’t be there.
NTA. From one law school grad to another, Congratulations!
Celebrate with the family that does show up for you. Ignore the ones who don’t.
Yay for you! You have done well! Congratulations, you!
Sorry to be crude and possibly tasteless, but FUCK THE THING THAT GAVE BIRTH TO YOU!!
Now get that piece of garbage out of your life.
I
Would
NEVER
Speak
To
That
BITCH
Again
Tell her that from me
CONGRATULATIONS on your graduation
NTA You are not asking for much.
NTA
I don’t know you but I would prioritize your graduation and spend time with you.
Your mom does not seem to treat her kids equally. 🙁
NTA. A quick question. You said that as soon as your brother landed with your nephew your mom dropped everything to be with your nephew. Does that mean that she took your nephew/ her grandson into her custody, or did your brother and his whole family go with your mom and abandon you? Did any of the rest of your family show up? And have you brought this to your the rest of your family without your mother around to see what they think?
Once grandkids come around sons and daughters cease to exist. It’s a fact of life. Don’t take it personally.
Refusing to come to your law school graduation to punish you for an argument with her? Now that is something you take personally.
NTA. Your mother is absolutely wrong. It’s sad for her, she’s the loser here. Go on with your celebration and ignore her as much as possible.
She’s the one that will have regrets! Enjoy the time with your other family members and don’t allow your mother’s actions to steal the spotlight. Congratulations on an amazing accomplishment!
As someone who struggles having a mother who is mentally ill (even though that’s not the case for you) I see you. Your feelings are valid. You are allowed to be hurt. You are allowed to have strong feelings. It’s what you do with them that matters. The fact that she pretty much said you overreacted and she won’t come at all – I don’t have the correct clinical term for this behavior but it’s a form of manipulation. She’s in the wrong and some part of her knows it but is not going to admit it.
I struggle with with wanting validation from my parents and others still and have to change my mind set. You should try to as well. BE PROUD OF YOURSELF. Im proud of you. Strangers on the internet are proud of you. As many have said, Law School is huge!!! Go celebrate!! You did something freaking amazing. Don’t be too hard on yourself, life is hard enough. But congratulations OP, I hope you turn out to do amazing things and help a lot of people.
NTA
Well, from the UK. I just want to say well done. It’s a lot of very long and difficult study. I’m proud of you and for you. Although you’ve fallen out with your mum, do you really think that she’s travelled there and now not actually show up? Just hope for you both that it’s resolved before the ceremony.
It crap of your mum to bail on you and all the things you have obviously put a LOT of thought into. Did she realise you’d gone to that level of planning?
Also, she sees the grandkid multiple times a week at home.
Updateme
YTA. You are an adult. Get used to it. Nobody, even your parents, are needed or required to validate your accomplishments. Get over yourself.
Congratulations. That’s a huge accomplishment and you should be very proud of yourself.