He has a Polish last name and I have a German last name. My last name comes from my paternal grandmother who was a refugee during WW2. I have a lot of pride in my last name and I took German for 4 years in high school and have tried to stay up to date in German since then.
My fiance on ther other hand had no idea that his name ending in “ski” basically meant he was Polish. He had no idea what a perogi was and has never had any Polish family tradition.
My main issue is that he is completely fine with other untraditional norms, but he has a hard time adjusting to the fact that I don’t want to give up my last name that I have a great emotional tie to. He has a far less emotional tie to his own last name, but has an issue with us giving our future children my last name since “it’s not traditionally how it works.”
Please give me some advice. We’re both in the US and his mom and dad have been divorced for more than 10 years. He has no emotional ties to his last name. The only argument for me to take his last name is that “this is the way things have traditionally been done”. We’re both in the northern US states, so none of these “norms” actually matter. I’m having a hard time dealing with this side of him.
When we get married in a couple months, he’s fine with me making my last name phyphenated. But when we have kids, he expects them to all have his last name only. I don’t know how else to navigate this
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Do you have any siblings or cousins passing on your family name?
Hyphenating for everyone would be a nice compromise. It’s strange that he isn’t interested in budging at all. You want to keep your last name, he wants to keep kids. Hyphenating seems right.
What is his suggested compromise?
Incompatible, he has worn his last name for 26 years. Just because he didn’t know its history or meaning does not mean its less valuable to him than yours is.
The incompatibility is he wants you to take his and you don’t want to. Neither of you are wrong just not compatible.
That’s pretty tough. It’s not just “how it’s been done” it’s how it is still done, if a father I’d in the kids life it’s pretty unusual for them not to take his last name. I get where he’s coming from for sure it’s almost emasculating for his kids to not get his name, but given your tie to yours I get your point too. I think he needs to be okay with hyphenating the kids names. But you shouldn’t ask that the kids just only get your name. You might think he doesn’t have am attachment to his last name but he does just in a deferment way than you do, other wise he wouldn’t care if his kids had his last name. Just because he didn’t invest in his ancestors Homer land like you did didn’t mean he’s not allowed to want to keep his last name and pass it on to his kids
If yall can’t agree on your last name or your potential children’s last names / the relationship is over –
Technically though neither of you are wrong
Congratulations, he’s bought in to the patriarchy! Hold your fuckin ground. If he can’t compromise with a hyphenate, he’s out of here.
Why does tradition mean more than your feelings about it?
Are you SURE he’s fine with other untraditional norms?
Do you live together and know whether he takes on his fair share of traditionally women’s tasks in the household? Cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, etc.
If it so happens that it makes sense that he stays home from work and not you – is he willing to be a stay at home dad?
Is he expecting to trade off with you when it comes to picking up sick kids from school? Splitting who gets the kids ready for school and who drops them off and picks them up?
If you had a son and he wanted to change his last name to yours or his possible future wife – would he be ok with that?
Have there be other instances in the relationship where he’s assumed he’s the tie breaker because men traditionally are?
Does he take the lead on any financial decisions? Have you guys discussed finances and decided on how they’d be handled once you’re married?
If you don’t live together – what has the days you have been together soon after work looked like? Are you initiating cooking food? Cleaning the dishes? Have you guys equally stayed at each other places or is it unequal?
Have you noticed him refer to dads watching their kids as babysitting? Or remark about kids playing with the “opposite gender” toys?
Have you asked him how he envisions life once you have kids? Are you both working? Is he coming home from work to take care of the kids and the house or is he expecting to get to relax and chill out for a few hours?
It’s not impossible that he’s stuck on *just* the last name issue and nothing else of traditional norms, but that’s usually not how it goes. And often you don’t find out until you’re in the thick of it — like you’ve found out how he’s stuck in the last name issue.
So what you’re essentially saying is that because he has no emotional or historical connection to his family, that automatically makes it less significant than yours?
Interesting that you mentioned your grandmother’s history. I think there’s far more going on here in your mind than you want to believe. He’s Polish & you’re German. Your argument about name importance does not look good for you.
Why get married?
Traditions are outdated.
He can either hyphenate or accept that your children will have your name because you are statistically the one who will be doing the doctors visits and school stuff.
You have every right to want to keep your name. Though I will say your arguments for why you should keep your name and he shouldn’t care about his are absolutely ridiculous and make no difference. It is a personal choice by every individual on how they approach their names during marrage. And at this point it is a simple incompatibilty that doesn’t seem to be able to be resolved.
Instead of keep beating your head against a wall, suggest maybe it is time to end the relationship. He will resent you after marriage if you don’t change your name and you will resent him if you do. It is called dating for a reason. You find a partner you are compatible with. I don’t know how long you have been dating, but this issue should have been discussed way before a proposal happened.
He sounds like a baby dick, boy man 🤷
I was going to suggest a hyphenated version but he’s against that. I also have a German surname , my parents migrated to nz , I kept it for years , the kids had my husband’s name and I was known as Mrs his surname for anything to do with them but I eventually changed it about 10 years ago when I was ready and it felt right.
Maybe the two of you could write out a list of reasons why this is important to each of you.
Before dismissing or judging, try the 5 whys exercise.
It’s as simple as asking why 5 times.
Why is it important?
It’s important to me because of my family heritage.
Why?
Because it’s a source of pride for me.
Why?
Because I’m proud of how my grandma had the wits and strength to leave and escape the Nazis
Why?
Because I think this reflects positively on me as a feminist and woman, when I tell the story of feminists in my family
Why does this matter?
Because I have to be a strong woman in a traditionally man’s field (engineering), and this is a source of both pride and inspiration, and it gives me the courage to continue to be bold and assertive. I hope it will do the same for our children.
It will be interesting for him to unpack why tradition is important to him.
Please don’t be too quick to dismiss his feelings, as it can be culturally difficult for a man explain this contemporary approach to his family, colleagues and peers.
Maybe he’s afraid he will be judged as less manly. If so, how can you help him see or create a narrative that helps him to meet his needs? It can be as simple as him feeling confident to say: I married a smart, successful woman and I’m proud to give my kids her surname – I hope they turn out like her. Or something else that works for him.