So, I (22F) come from a family that always called me ungrateful, not because I was but because I was always a loudmouth and pointed out odd things when I noticed them, like how every Christmas, birthday etc my siblings would get gifts like the toys they always wanted, new clothes, and all I got was either a card or a promise to buy me anything when we went out (spoiler, never happened), naturally this messed me up bad, I was always trying to change to please my parents, I tried being quiet and not needing their help, but by that point I was already the family’s black sheep, the one that my mom would call out during big family events disguising it as jokes, the difficult one
Long story short, I got a part time job at 16, then worked my ass off and I finally landed a pretty decent corporate job last year, it’s not exactly life changing money but it’s enough for me to have moved out, and now I live in a shared apartment with two other girls, I save up ofc but I live comfortably, enough to make small trips and take nice pictures at some restaurants, I’ve never blocked my family but I also don’t engage with them
So it came as a surprise when my mom called me two weeks ago to check on me according to her, she made questions like how’s work and how my posts always made her think of when I was a little girl and smiled a lot, crappy emotional tactics that I grew up with lol she started mentioning how nice it was to be so young, make money and not have that many responsibilities, or expenses, I corrected her that I had rent, and to buy groceries, she dismissed those, and then the topic steered to my younger brother, he got a few acceptance letters and apparently he threw a tantrum about needing to attend one where all his friends are going (yes, it’s like too expensive, I searched it up and holy crap), so my mom started mentioning my brother and I growing up and how we used to be so close – honestly that day I was exhausted, so I told my mom it was nice hearing from her and that I was happy for my brother, but that I wasn’t in a place to help with his tuition
This woman was actually stunned, she said I could think about it, because family is family and all that stuff, we said our goodbyes, and I slept thinking about it, so I woke up the next day, and drafted a message that was polite but clear, about how I was never treated fairly and how I was not bitter but I wasn’t in a financial spot to help with those expenses – yeah, the guilt tripping started immediately, messages, not even kidding 14 missed calls from my mom, even my dad called and he’s a pretty stoic man, my brother started whining on social media about ungrateful family members and how some people are bitter and end up alone
I feel like I’m in the right, but honestly my parents have involved aunts, cousins, family friends, and all the texts and posts are starting to get to me a little bit, maybe I am being too harsh, my brother has always been spoiled but it’s not like he kicked me out or made me feel worse, still, I don’t feel like giving up my lifestyle to help someone who called me a ‘bitter b’ on his latest Instagram rant, so I need help, am I in the wrong?
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Stop being the rug they wipe their feet on and get on with your life. You know your worth don’t let them gaslight you like that!! Be brave and put yourself through college first and ask your “ parents “ for money for you!!! I bet you won’t get a dime from “ family “, he is not your child! Do not be the door mat any longer tell your relatives to fund his college needs since “ we are family”.
Is this real or fan fiction? Like none of this reads like an actual situation anybody has ever been in.
NTA. When those who don’t get their way by direct bullying choose to send in their flying monkeys, it’s time to click your heels three times and leave. These tactics are clear bullying. Hopefully someone will drop a house on them. Throw cold water on them Dorothy.
NTA.
If you want to explain your position to your brother to avoid the manipulation she’s likely spinning to him, not that you should have to by any means, then that’s one thing. But do not feel guilty over being unable or even just being unwilling to do something that your parents should’ve at least tried to help with. College is expensive as hell & many of us can’t afford our own college, let alone what our kids’ colleges might cost by then, but that doesn’t mean putting the responsibility to someone else “because family.” Screw that. Screw them. I’m so sorry you & your brother have to deal with this shit.
Be the bitter b. They would never do this for you. Hoping this is stale cuz this sucks
NTA VERY MUCH JUSTIFIED, NOT your problem NOT your responsibility, if you’re able to I want to go permanent no contact with them by blocking them on your phone and all the social media, as a just in case kind of thing if you want to do though get a restraining order
Mute them all. Just because they are texting and calling doesn’t mean you need to accept their calls.
For your aunts and uncles simply respond once with:
“I am not in any financial position to help anyone. But, I’m so glad you are interested in helping my brother with his tuition. Please reach out to my Mom to let her know you will be VENMOing her your contribution. I for one am going to focus on paying for my rent and groceries and pay for my own expenses since no one has ever given me a dime to assist with my education or starting out in life.”
NTA block them all and preserve your peace
As each family member messages you, ask them how much they are contributing? Each message, respond, thanks. I appreciate it and I will let mom know you volunteered some funds for him. Send it back with mom included.
Use devious plan to win. Anytime a flying monkey (those who harass you) calls, tell them you are cooking up and idea about your brothers tuition but you can’t talk now. Can you call them back at (X date/time)?
Schedule them all for same day, least gregarious members first. Call each one and gush about how you changed your mind and will be paying (believable amount of x) for your brothers tuition, that its such an honor to help family. Then mention that you are also taking steps to raise more money, so how much could we put you down for…?
Is win either way; each one that doesn’t pay can be instantly shamed at future gatherings (ie remember that time “brothers name” wanted to go “stoopid expensive school? We almost made it; too bad they weren’t in a position to help. Say, how was “most recent trip they took”?
Or, if they actually pay up, then you collect them all, shuffle financial figures if you like to make it seem like you contributed, and bam, moral high ground! (Remember when I called the family and sent little “golden child” to “money burning pit”?)
Or, maybe not.
Tell every aunt, uncle and whoever including your parents that with their indignation they can surely channel it into pooling their funds together and help poor poor boy go to the college his little friends are going.
Sounds like it is time to go scorched Earth and make your own public post about your childhood.
Stop letting people who demonstrably don’t care about you into your life. Just block them. When in doubt, ask yourself how do I benefit from allowing this person into my life? I’m sure that every person who has hounded you adds nothing to your life.
My mom had a saying that I think you need to commit to memory…
>I matter to me. I mean more to me than anyone else. If it is a choice between someone else and me, I fight for me. This is the natural right of all living beings.
There is nothing wrong with choosing yourself first. After all, you should at least matter to yourself.
NTA. Never feel guilty for standing up for yourself. With family like yours you could be on a reality show. Congratulations on being self reliant. If one thing your family has done for you is make you stronger. Your extended family doesn’t know the real truth because your parents obviously have lied about you. Don’t sweat it, just move on.
I once heard/read that even if we became actual, physical doormats, people would complain that we are too lumpy.
You live YOUR life. Don’t let anyone guilt you into giving up what you’ve worked hard for.
Yes, it’s great to help out family, but it MUST be a personal choice, made out of love and not hurting oneself in the process.
A wise person once told me, when I joked that he “had to say, ‘yes,’”: “If I can’t say ‘no,’ my ‘yes’ doesn’t mean anything.
NTA, if you still have those cards promising gifts you never got, now may be the time to send them back.
” Maybe if you didn’t hand them all everything they asked for, you wouldn’t be short on money. You should be teaching him to work for the things he want – i had to and I’m not ruining my position because you spoilt and coddled everyone else. Take out a loan – don’t bother me again. “
NO WAY are you going to help your entitled, whining brother! Why on earth would you even consider it?This is the same brother that saw you mistreated and did nothing. This is the brother who publicly cursed you on social media. Block every single one of these awful money grubbing people. Anyone that’s taking your parent’s side doesn’t deserve to be on your life. They don’t act like family. They never treated you like family. You were the family scapegoat! You owe them nothing! Not a dime of your hard earned money. PLEASE continue building a life far away from these horrible people. Surrounded yourself with a family of your choosing. I’m sorry to say they will never change. Move on and make a life without them. They don’t deserve you! Tell your mother she can hit up all the relatives harassing you for the money your brother thinks he needs. Then you need to block her. Don’t allow them back in. They’re going to hurt you all over again.
Change the number or block them tell them that gaslighting trying to apply pressure and using social platforms is not gonna make you change your mind and tell them people who live in glass house shouldn’t throw stones
NTA. Protect yourself first. Even if you were not treated as the family doormat in your childhood, you are not responsible for your brother’s tuition. Frankly, even if I had the money to spare, I would not waste it on spoiled teenager having toddler tantrums, disrespecting me on FB, and makes college choices based on where his friends are going. Sounds like he (and your mother) need/s to learn the meaning of the word “No.”
Anyone complaining can be told that their contribution to the kid’s college tuition will be accepted.
It’s great that so much of your extended family has come together, now they can all chip in for your brother’s tuition as adults, instead of trying to force it on someone barely past the drinking age.
Nta, even if your family had been kind and fair all your life this wouldn’t be an okay thing to pressure you into. You’ll never be able to build your own life if you’re funneling your earnings to help your brother improve his. Doesn’t even sound like this is a necessity, just something he wants. Maybe he should try getting a part-time job like you did and make it happen for himself.
NTA. Create a Go Fund Me for your brother. Send your parents and all the flying monkeys the link and then block all of them. They contribute nothing positive to your life. I went no contact with my shitty, greedy, selfish sister 8 years ago and it was the best decision I ever made.
NTA. He’s not your child and not your responsibility!
This has to be fake, no one is this pathetic.
NTA. You are no longer theirs to whip and treat badly. Protect and take care of yourself as you have been since you were 16.
Just go no contact and make it easier on yourself.
Block everyone for the next 4 years. NTA
Fakest post in like a year
Tell all those that are harassing you TO HELP PAY FOR HIM! Please keep us Updateme!
Nope NTAH. Tell mom, dad anyone else who bitches about it that it’s the PARENTS responsibility to provide for their own children. It’s not anyone else’s burden. Tell them even though they never gave you anything more than food and shelter they always ensured their younger two had whatever they wanted and that there’s no need to change that now.
Suggest they look into selling their home to fund his college because you’re sure he’ll repay the favor when they’re old and need help. Then block the whole lot of them because not one of those people treats you with the love, kindness, or respect you deserve.
You are under no obligation to help Golden Boy. He can get a job, work, and save money to help with the costs. And here’s a really radical option, he could go to a school he can actually afford.
Just because you share DNA with people doesn’t make them REAL family. Family shows up when you need them and even when you don’t. They support you. They include you. They love you. That’s not what you have with these folks; you only have shared DNA.
Guilt trip them about not doing enough for there kids and they had decades to save for these expenses. This is poor parenting from them and how they must not love you and your brother enough.
Is goal to attend where his friends are attending or have a quality education ?
You should absolutely agree to invest as much money the parents spent on your education – zero.
Hide your albums from family members, do not share your financial status. Parents should be the one to take the responsibility of the children they gave birth to, let them take loans to satisfy his fantasy
It is really thrashy when they get relative/friends/strangers involved in this mess of convincing you to pay up. Tell them that if you had so much money would you not go yourself for this fantastic education ?
Block all of them or just close your socials for a time. Nta,you owe them nothing
NTA. You owe nothing g to your family or brother. They were awful to you. The family is family is crap. They never gave you anything. Have everyone else that keeps contacting you to guilt trip you into helping your brother pitch in money to help pay for his college. There should be enough with the number of ppl harassing you. Block them all & got NC with anyone who is harassing you to pay for your brother’s college tuition. Updateme
NTA. You are not in the wrong in this situation and you need to stand your ground!
Also, maybe make your own social media post about your neglectful parents and family. What good is family in this example? Sounds like they’re neglectful (emotional neglect is real and damaging!) and you don’t gain anything by being in contact with them tbh besides harassment
fake post. Try again
NTA don’t feel guilty. He is your brother, not your child. Therefore, he is not your financial responsibility. He can get a part-time job. Your parents can take our a loan.
I would write a lovely letter explaining everything you wrote on here. Send it to all of the “family” that is harassing you. Then, block them all. They are jealous of your perceived lifestyle.
It will not get better. Trust me. My husband was you. When we got married, his family was always asking him for things. It never stopped. He would give in.
Eventually, he got very sick. Not one of them was around to help. They all live very nice lives and have barely anything to do with him.
You Indian perchance?
Updateme
This post sounds like you trying to sound good. Your family is trash but you overcame and achieved. Good for you. What was the alternative, to kill yourself?
NTA Every time they call you, tell them you’re a little short of money this month and ask them if they can give you money for your rent. Let’s see if family helps family.
Updateme.
NTA Block all of them.