My bf has a younger sister who, I’ll be honest, I’m not very fond of. I think you may understand why after reading the entire post.
She is still in college. She kept telling her parents and my bf its because she does sports and had to push back her exams, which sounded pretty sus to me but her family accepted the story and I didn’t want to cross any boundaries. Her parents fund her degree and they have been taking her word at face value and paying her tuition all this time.
Recently, she had approached her parents and my bf and started bawling. Turns out, she has actually been failing her first year for 7 years straight and hasn’t paid her tuition for three years and her college is now threatening to throw her out after years of multiple warnings. When my bf asked where all the money went, she said she used it to travel. She goes to Bali twice a year, lives a very luxurious and expensive lifestyle (she’s an aspiring influencer) and lied to her family saying it was from her own money. Turns out, she didn’t have a job or any money and just blew her tuition fee on expensive things.
She has then asked her parents to give her an allowance (because she’s broke and “couldn’t keep living like this”) and for them to pay off all her college arrears. She had then threatened to hurt herself if they didn’t do this.
My bf’s parents did sort most of it out but they’re by no means wealthy people so my bf had to pitch in as well, which emptied nearly 75% of his savings.
Now, I understand that family comes first and I am in no way entitled to my bf’s money. But the thing is, this isn’t a one off thing. His sister always expects him to pitch in fix her fuck ups. She totaled her car driving drunk twice, and she demanded that he fix it for her both times. And he just…did it. She makes him by her designer stuff he cant afford…and again….he just does it. She is a very entitled and self centered person and my bf and his family enables her behavior.
I have brushed this off for 3 years now. I always believed it was not my place to comment on their relationship. Their family and I need to know my place. And honestly, my bf is the sweetest, kindest and most loving guy I’ve met. I value him and cherish him a lot. But the fact that this keeps happening regularly is worrying me. I feel like he doesn’t know how to draw boundaries with her and one day, if we get married, he will bankrupt the two of us and our family trying to help her. I initially thought this may be an overreaction but the more and more I see this happening, the more I believe that it is completely possible. I have tried bringing this up with him but he is very protective of his sister and the conversations haven’t really gone anywhere.
What advice do you have for me?
TL;DR- My boyfriend’s younger sister has a pattern of reckless, entitled behavior, and my boyfriend always bails her out. I’m worried this will affect our future together, especially financially, but he’s very protective of her and avoids setting boundaries.
Comments
Honestly? You are okay to leave. He, and his family, are lighting themselves on fire to keep her warm.
That’s your life if you stay.
INFO: Was he saving up to get engaged and this expenditure will delay that?
Have the two of you had any conversations about your future and how you see the finances working? Like, have you talked about marriage and how you will handle finances? Do you live together? How do you (or will you) split bills and rent?
I’m just as concerned as you that him paying for stuff for his sister will be financially detrimental to you both, but maybe if you approach the conversation from the perspective of “how do you think we should handle finances together as a married couple” he will be less defensive, than just you bringing up his sister and money.
I would also caution you though, that even if he does openly talk with you and give you all the right answers, that his behaviour is very concerning. His parents completely enable his sister and he’s learned to do the same. So I only suggest the above if you want to try and have an open conversation with him before running for your life.
> which emptied nearly 75% of his savings.
No, you are not entitled to your boyfriend’s money, but you are entitled to information about how serious he is about the future, and giving away 75% of it says he is not.
In your shoes, I would first take a day with my devices off and sketch out my own plan for the next 75 years (with the understanding that plans change) — Where in the world do I want to live and work during my life? What kind of homes do I want, in what kinds of environments? What kinds of education and careers do I want in future decades? What are my long-term savings goals? What will my family obligations be if parents and relatives age? Do I want children? What do I want to achieve through charity, volunteering, activism, board leadership? How much will my sports goals cost – gym membership, run a marathon, start a sport & social club, climb K-2, play golf on the moon?
Then ask 30M to do the same. Find out if the futures you both hope for fit together, and find out if you are both on track to building them together. Maybe funding his sister’s lifestyle is a dealbreaker, maybe it’s something he will realize he cannot do if he wants to start his own business and live abroad, and maybe it’s irrelevant if you’re both on different paths, anyway.
Don’t ever merge finances with him. He will drain your accounts for his selfish sister. Even if he doesn’t access your money, you will be the one left paying all of your bills together while he bails his sister out yet again. He and his parents are enabling his sister; they should have made her get a job after she lied to them and blew all that money for years. Instead they’re cleaning up the mess she made. And I wouldn’t be surprised if she eventually moves in with you and your boyfriend and creates even more problems. You will never be financially stable as long as your boyfriend continues to be a doormat for her. You should leave. He doesn’t want to change. He won’t change. He will destroy himself financially before he stands up to her. Don’t let him destroy you too.
sweetie, just incase you need this, I give you permission to put yourself first. if this means leaving him, then do be it.