I (9 months pregnant) have some serious concerns regarding my MIL and her problematic behaviour and I’m looking for some advice on how to handle this situation in the future because it makes me really anxious.
First of all she’s a very rude and impulsive person. Like a stubborn child she can only focus on herself and never considers the feelings of others. That often leads to her lashing out on service personnel, talking behind other people’s back (even in public when they’re sitting right in front of her) and spreading false narratives about her children out of spite.
One thing that has bothered me a lot (especially now that I’m pregnant) is the way she treats her grandchildren (my SILs children):
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Everytime they visit she complains in advance about how she doesn’t want them around because they’re too loud, too dirty and too exhausting.
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Last time they visited she was constantly annoyed, barely even talked to them and when she did it was just telling them to shut up or go somewhere else. She even suggested they should eat outside at the porch while the adults could stay inside to have dinner, so they wouldn’t bother us. It was 55 degrees.
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She constantly fat shames her grandson to the point where he has stated that he feels uncomfortable around her and asked his mother to leave.
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She once called her 4yo granddaughter disgusting until she cried – all because she was too shy to talk to her (it was only the 2nd time she ever met her btw)
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She always complains about having to get them presents for their birthdays or christmas because she doesn’t want to spend money. Then she says stuff like “20 bucks should be enough I’m not spending more on those greedy kids”.
Whenever she’s confronted about her behaviour she victimizes herself. She claims that she was just joking and she didn’t mean it. Then she puts the blame on her opponent. “You are being mean to me, why do you not understand my humor, you are attacking me for no reason. You hate me don’t you? Just say you don’t want to be around me”.
Now back to the current situation:
My Bf and I do not want anyone to come to the hospital after I gave birth. We want to have privacy and be alone with our child. We also do not want any visitors for at least a week after coming home. It is just too much stress and pressure and we want to relax and get accustomed to the new situation in peace without other people intervening.
When my Bf told her about it she seemed to understand but this week she visited us and insisted on being in the hospital right away. She said that she has a right to see her grandchild and that she doesn’t care about what we want. She will come anyways no matter what we say.
I was shocked. I didn’t know how to react because I couldn’t believe how someone could be this tone deaf. My Bf told her to respect our boundaries and to stay away and not cross the line. Guess what – of course she claimed that she was joking and she didn’t mean it so she wouldn’t have to take accountability or apologize.
But she did talk about wanting to visit right after we come home from the hospital. We said we will inform her when we’re ready to see anyone. She also said that she wants to take the baby on a walk ALONE when she visits. That’s definitely not gonna happen. I’m not handing my newborn child over to this lunatic and let them leave together.
Right now I am just afraid. I am afraid of her showing up at the hospital. Afraid of her calling us nonstop and pressuring us to let her come over. Afraid of her taking the baby without our consent. And most of all I am afraid of her insulting and abusing our daughter in the future. I have been severely abused in my childhood and I don’t want the same for her.
This has really affected my mental health in the past days leading to multiple panic attacks. Does anyone have advice on how to handle a situation like this and keep her at distance? How can I find peace and overcome the anxiety? I don’t want to live in fear. My Bf says he has my back but I know that he isn’t ready to go NC yet, so I will definitely be confronted with her sooner or later.
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Best way to thwart her from coming is to not post or tell anyone when you go in labor. Then afterwards when you’re better adjusted, you can decide if you even want her to visit.
No. Tell the nurses to specifically not let her in!
And no visits at home for at least 2 weeks or a month with her. It’s good because she’s being directly rude: you can just say you are making me seriously uncomfortable and I’m in charge here, not you
Can you register with your hospital that you do not want any one to confirming you are there or not ? Can you also have her placed on a list for not being able to visit ? I am so sorry you are dealing with this at a time when you should be relaxing and enjoying the last little bit of your pregnancy.
Maybe don’t tell her that the baby has arrived until you are back home and settled and ready to receive visitors ?
When you register at the hospital, you can tell them not to let anyone know you’re there. You can also tell the nurses in L&D and in your room after birth that you do not want any visitors. They’re usually happy to help with that. Turn off both your locations on your phone if you’ve shared your location with any family.
As far as at home, I’d make it clear to your bf and his mom that you are prepared to call the police & have her trespassed from your home if she just shows up. Keep your doors locked and don’t answer if she shows up. If you eventually have to be around her, baby wear.
You may have to be momma bear with her. When you set boundaries, be clear and assertive. You can tell her this is your boundary & this is the consequence of breaking the boundary. Make it clear that you aren’t joking and are very serious.
Inform the hospital that she is not allowed in to visit. Then don’t open the door if she shows up once you are home – cameras will help with this part. You also might consider joining the Reddit group mother in laws from h3ll. Good luck!!
Let the staff know she’s not welcome at the hospital. Block her on your phone and let your SO handle her.
You can have her banned from the hospital, and just Scuse to deal with her calls, visits, etc. Make her your SO’s responsibility, she should not be your business at all.
Well good thing the hospital will throw her out if she does show. Add some locks to the house and you should be ok.
You don’t have to tell anyone when you go to the hospital or when the baby arrives. If she doesn’t know the baby is here, she can’t bust in on you.