I had a very close friendship with a guy that turned into a casual sexual relationship. We always labeled it as just “friends with benefits” and promised each other it was all in fun. What he didn’t know, though, was that I had real feelings for himdeep ones. I never told him, because I was afraid of ruining our bond.
The last time we were together, I got pregnant. I chose to place the baby for adoption. We were young, and I didn’t want to trap him into a future he wasn’t ready for, especially since I knew how terrified he was when he thought his girlfiend at the time might be pregnant.
Fast forward about 6 years he later told me he had actually loved me all along, but assumed I wasn’t interested because I played the “just friends” card so hard. Life went on, and he’s now married with two kids.
Here’s the twist: I’ve reconnected with the son I placed for adoption. He’s now old enough to be curious about his biological father. He knows his dad doesn’t know he exists and is asking questions. I’ve never told my friend he’s a father.
Now I’m torn. Do I tell him? Should I drop this bombshell into his life even though he’s settled with a family now? I’m scared it could destroy everything he has… but I also feel like he deserves to know. What would you do?
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Backup of the post’s body: I had a very close friendship with a guy that turned into a casual sexual relationship. We always labeled it as just “friends with benefits” and promised each other it was all in fun. What he didn’t know, though, was that I had real feelings for himdeep ones. I never told him, because I was afraid of ruining our bond.
The last time we were together, I got pregnant. I chose to place the baby for adoption. We were young, and I didn’t want to trap him into a future he wasn’t ready for, especially since I knew how terrified he was when he thought his girlfiend at the time might be pregnant.
Fast forward about 6 years he later told me he had actually loved me all along, but assumed I wasn’t interested because I played the “just friends” card so hard. Life went on, and he’s now married with two kids.
Here’s the twist: I’ve reconnected with the son I placed for adoption. He’s now old enough to be curious about his biological father. He knows his dad doesn’t know he exists and is asking questions. I’ve never told my friend he’s a father.
Now I’m torn. Do I tell him? Should I drop this bombshell into his life even though he’s settled with a family now? I’m scared it could destroy everything he has… but I also feel like he deserves to know. What would you do?
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A DNA test will help him find his dad sooner or later
The son has the right to know his father if he chooses. It’s not going to be an easy conversation with any of the parties involved but everyone has the right to know each other.
Ask him rhetorically how he would feel or respond if he suddenly found out he had a child. How would it impact his life now?
Proceed based on his response.
Omg! This will blow up! That poor guy has no clue and his wife and kids will most definitely feel some type of way… not sure he will see you as a friend afterwards but you owe him the truth
You’re right, he deserves to know and it’s better he hears it from you, his friend, rather than his son, who could probably find him through the internet or other means someday. It’s going to be a hard conversation, but you never know how it’ll turn out, it may just be the best thing that happens to you both. And at the very least you’re giving him the choice to be in his son’s life or not. Maybe your son can have a real relationship with both his biological parents. Not many adoptive kids get that.
You’re doing the right thing girl, I can only imagine how stressful and difficult this must be for you, but it’s got to be done.
Yes. You secondly wanna be the one to tell him the news. It could put a big strain on your relationship if you don’t. It’s gonna be a tough convo to have, no doubt. But its a necessary one. One that he should’ve learned about from the very beginning. Tell him. Asap. He has a right to know and the child has the right to know his father.
Oh boy. This isn’t going to end well. Good luck on whatever you decide to do.
Tell them. I would just type up everything and then send it to them. You can just tell them at the time that you got pregnant you I knew that he had just gone through thinking that one of his girlfriends was pregnant and how that affected him and he didn’t want that so you chose to give the baby up for adoption because you know he didn’t want kids and at the time you thought that he was just looking for friends with benefits as you guys had a great upon. Tell them that your biological son has contacted you and he knows about his father not knowing about him and that he’s looking to get in contact with him.
Ultimately you did what you did and you did what you thought was best at the time with the information that you had.
Adoptee here. Your son deserves the truth and so does your ex. Relationships are never guaranteed but keeping secrets is not healthy for anyone. My experience with an adoption specific therapist changed my entire life for the better, there are also support groups for parents who relinquished to adoption. It can help you navigate the issues. I’m also an adoptee educator and adoption activist of 25 years working for truth, honesty, and transparency in adoption practices. Hope this helps.
Edit: To add some clarification.
Yes you tell him. Absolutely. It will be hard but he has a right to know and your Don has a right to know his biological father and siblings if they choose to. You must tell him.
I’d tell him, purely for the reason that it won’t be a shock when the boy comes looking for him in a few years time! If you were friends then having respect for that relationship and tell the truth. Skeletons come out of closets eventually.
How old is the son that you put up for adoption? Because he has parents, you are his bio mom. If he is under 18 do his parents know? The conversation should happen with them first if he is under 18. If he is over 18, rip the bandaid off and tell your ex friend that many years ago that you became pregnant and gave the child up for adoption. That the child reconnected with you and would like to know his bio father’s name. Tell him that you are going to provide the child with the information in one week. That will give him time to talk to his wife.
Is this a repost? I remember a similar post in the pod. In the original’s comments it mentioned they didn’t get together then because of substance addiction.
He should have been told long ago.
You are going to look like an asshole no matter how this plays out.
He’s gonna find out eventually especially since your son is curious. Wouldn’t it be better if you just confessed to him. Ya were both young. It will turn his life upside for a little while but at least it will be on them if they want to pursue a relationship.
Feels like you’re still keeping the door open to this man. Be honest—are you really over him? No married man with kids should be sharing “true feelings” with an ex FWB. You two are clearly still talking regularly and way too comfortably. And now you’re debating telling him about a kid he doesn’t know exists? Is it really for the kid—or are you scared it’ll close that door forever?
You have to tell him. But I would recommend telling him AND his wife together. Tell them the whole truth. You were scared. You didn’t want it to affect his life. But they have the right to know. Then the ball is in their court as a family to make the best decision for them.
Fun fact. I had a similar situation with a FWB (no baby tho) and I finally took a chance and told him. Tomorrow we celebrate 15 years together.
Better to be honest and tell him before he and the child you created together do Ancestry DNA tests and find out that way.
Absolutely tbe son has the right to know his father. You guys were playing sex games without a condom. Like whose fault is that. And had you been honest with each other at the time you might still be together. Commit the crime, do the time. And it’s equally your friends fault, so suck it up and inform him.
Doing so will probably:
end your friendship for good
cause serious potentially marriage ending issues for him
Are you ok with torpedoing his life and you friendship? The answer to that is the answer to your question.
You’ll tank your friendship and potentially his marriage, but your son has the right to know his father. The father has a right to know he has a son.
He will find out. Sooner or later.
That kid is curious about his family, he’s going to end up putting his data out there on an Ancestry/ DNA site.
I guarantee at least one of this guy’s relatives is on there too.
Its just a short step from there to connecting the dots.
If you are still able to get in touch with this guy, it would be good to lay it out for him so he can figure out with his family how to handle this and isn’t blindsided.
They just read this story with updates on an episode in January 🤔🤔🤔
AI slop!
Yes, tell him. It is the right thing to do for both the father and the kid.
It might blow up, it might not (if his current relationship is good, and this all happened prior of them getting together, plus the fact that he didn’t know – there is a chance it doesn’t blow up as bad). It will definitely be a shocking revelation, but I feel like this would be the time to be honest. If they end up finding each other without you sharing this now, there is no way to restore what blows up then.
Yes you do. It’s better to come from you than him finding out another way. He should have been told years ago. Sounds like a lot of missed opportunities if you both had openly communicated.
You need to tell him, my bio mom never told my dad about me and put me up for adoption when I was 2. It messed with my head and turned out my dad would of taken me in a heart beat. I missed out on 29 years with my dad because of her selfishness.
“The last time we were together, I got pregnant. I chose to place the baby for adoption. We were young, and I didn’t want to trap him into a future he wasn’t ready for”
You should’ve told him then, you had no right to make decisions for him, this was his baby as well
“especially since I knew how terrified he was when he thought his girlfriend at the time might be pregnant”.
Were you sleeping with him knowing he had a girlfriend? just because he was terrified his girlfriend might be pregnant doesn’t mean he wouldn’t have stepped up and taken responsibility and looked after her and the baby.
If you were in a relationship and weren’t friends with benefits, would you have kept the baby?
Wait ! I’ve already listened to this story on the podcast with an update!! Months ago!