This post might get a bit long so sorry in advance.
I (24F) found out my dad (54m) cheated on my mom (55f) 10 years ago.
The way I found out about this was that me and my siblings (29f and 20m) were out on lunch one day while my parents were away on vacation. During conversation me and my brother brought up how paranoid my mom seems to get about my dad and how my dad doesn’t seem to be the type to take much interest in girls.
Originally I thought my mom’s paranoia came from her insecurities. Growing up her parents made sure to keep her unhealthy and constantly tell her how she wouldn’t achieve to anything as they wanted her to be their personal maid and take care of them all their life. She was bullied by her peers as well for her weight and appearance so her self esteem was low. But after moving out and starting her own business she was able to lose over 100lbs and took great care of her skin and hair, always making sure she looked classy and elegant. For being 55 you would believe she was in her late 30’s at how well kept she was. But even with being so beautiful and fit she still never felt it was enough and was intense on me and my sister on being thin, pretty and educated.
Me and my brother were mentioning how it seemed like my mom had little trust in him even though there was never anything in our recollection of him cheating. My sister kind of squirmed in her seat and said “Actually there’s something that did happen back then but it was 10 years ago and ma told me to never tell you guys but it’s been long enough.” I was surprised to hear this as me and my sister are very close and talk almost everything together. We asked her to fill us in and so she did. “So our dad did have an affair with another woman. Ma wasn’t satisfying him enough I guess and so he ventured out to find someone to fulfill his needs.”
This shocked me a lot. I know it might seem expected for guys to be more sexual but my dad is a really quiet and calm guy. I remember asking him one time who were his celebrity crushes (I asked my mom this question as well and she had a bunch lol) and he thought for a bit and just said “I don’t know, I don’t think I ever really had a crush on celebrities, not even as a kid.” Sure could it be he felt awkward listing people he found attractive? Maybe but seeing as my mom was open with hers with him in the room I figured it wouldn’t be awkward. So I just deduced that he wasn’t as sexually needy as most guys.
Well I was very wrong on that.
My sister goes on and says how he would send flowers to his affair partner and did have sex together. She doesn’t know exactly how long it was either, maybe 3 months or so but his misdeeds came to light as he contracted and STD (don’t know which one) and gave it to my mom as well.
This is how my mother found out about his affair and was crying relentlessly to my sister as she was mainly at home as me and my brother were still in school. She was so heartbroken but was worried about a divorce as it’ll affect the family and they built a business together.
How did I not notice any of this? I was being bullied in school at the time and didn’t want my parents knowing so them being distant wasn’t much notice to me as I was dealing with my own social problems (I was about 13-14 at the time). Plus I was busy with tons of after school work so I wouldn’t get home till about 6pm.
Sometimes I would see my mom sad but she also deals with her own depression over her insecurities and when I would see her cry she would just say there was trouble at work and she was stressed. All in all my mom stayed with my dad and he ended all things with the other woman. He realized what terrible of a choice he made and they reconciled their relationship and are still together to this day. My dad buys my mom flowers and jewelry and they go on dates together often. Heck they’re on vacation right now just because they wanted some alone time.
Now I’m hearing about this for the first time and I’m so sad and confused. I love my dad, we share the same sense of humor, when I’m doing a solo activity he would just sit somewhere nearby just to be around me and my siblings. It may seem minimal but it was comforting and there was love in it. But now I feel guilt for loving him. He betrayed my mom. While we may argue with my mother from time to time she was the one who raised us and showed unconditional love even when she was angry with us. Everything she did was out of love for us. I feel like I was disloyal to her for still loving my father. I know I didn’t know what was going on but now that I do I feel like my father shouldn’t have had those 10 years of me loving him.
It’s one thing for him to flirt with another woman, it’s another to sleep with her and it’s even worse to give your spouse an STD.
But this was 10 years ago. My parents have obviously moved on. Sure my mom might get a bit paranoid at times but it’s understandable as he has been unfaithful before. I’m grown up and can sense better when things are off and I haven’t seen my parents love waver. I just feel such an immense amount of guilt. What if my mom really did want a divorce but just pushed through it so that me and my siblings had an unbroken family? I know things are better now and what happened was so long ago but how can I look at my father the same way? I can’t just confront my parents about it as my sister was supposed to take this to the grave and this would just get her in trouble. But now I feel like if I keep loving my dad I’m accepting what he did. Like what if my partner cheats when I’m married? Should I also accept them back as I can see it is possible to move past it with my parents? I’m just so confused, I want to forget and move past it. But he did one of the worst things you could do to your partner. What do I do?
EDIT: Im asking what should I do to move past this revelation. I’m not planning on confronting my parents about this or trying to convince my mom to divorce my dad. I just want to know what should I do in order to help me move on from this.
Comments
Backup of the post’s body: This post might get a bit long so sorry in advance.
I (24F) found out my dad (54m) cheated on my mom (55f) 10 years ago.
The way I found out about this was that me and my siblings (29f and 20m) were out on lunch one day while my parents were away on vacation. During conversation me and my brother brought up how paranoid my mom seems to get about my dad and how my dad doesn’t seem to be the type to take much interest in girls.
Originally I thought my mom’s paranoia came from her insecurities. Growing up her parents made sure to keep her unhealthy and constantly tell her how she wouldn’t achieve to anything as they wanted her to be their personal maid and take care of them all their life. She was bullied by her peers as well for her weight and appearance so her self esteem was low. But after moving out and starting her own business she was able to lose over 100lbs and took great care of her skin and hair, always making sure she looked classy and elegant. For being 55 you would believe she was in her late 30’s at how well kept she was. But even with being so beautiful and fit she still never felt it was enough and was intense on me and my sister on being thin, pretty and educated.
Me and my brother were mentioning how it seemed like my mom had little trust in him even though there was never anything in our recollection of him cheating. My sister kind of squirmed in her seat and said “Actually there’s something that did happen back then but it was 10 years ago and ma told me to never tell you guys but it’s been long enough.” I was surprised to hear this as me and my sister are very close and talk almost everything together. We asked her to fill us in and so she did. “So our dad did have an affair with another woman. Ma wasn’t satisfying him enough I guess and so he ventured out to find someone to fulfill his needs.”
This shocked me a lot. I know it might seem expected for guys to be more sexual but my dad is a really quiet and calm guy. I remember asking him one time who were his celebrity crushes (I asked my mom this question as well and she had a bunch lol) and he thought for a bit and just said “I don’t know, I don’t think I ever really had a crush on celebrities, not even as a kid.” Sure could it be he felt awkward listing people he found attractive? Maybe but seeing as my mom was open with hers with him in the room I figured it wouldn’t be awkward. So I just deduced that he wasn’t as sexually needy as most guys.
Well I was very wrong on that.
My sister goes on and says how he would send flowers to his affair partner and did have sex together. She doesn’t know exactly how long it was either, maybe 3 months or so but his misdeeds came to light as he contracted and STD (don’t know which one) and gave it to my mom as well.
This is how my mother found out about his affair and was crying relentlessly to my sister as she was mainly at home as me and my brother were still in school. She was so heartbroken but was worried about a divorce as it’ll affect the family and they built a business together.
How did I not notice any of this? I was being bullied in school at the time and didn’t want my parents knowing so them being distant wasn’t much notice to me as I was dealing with my own social problems (I was about 13-14 at the time). Plus I was busy with tons of after school work so I wouldn’t get home till about 6pm.
Sometimes I would see my mom sad but she also deals with her own depression over her insecurities and when I would see her cry she would just say there was trouble at work and she was stressed. All in all my mom stayed with my dad and he ended all things with the other woman. He realized what terrible of a choice he made and they reconciled their relationship and are still together to this day. My dad buys my mom flowers and jewelry and they go on dates together often. Heck they’re on vacation right now just because they wanted some alone time.
Now I’m hearing about this for the first time and I’m so sad and confused. I love my dad, we share the same sense of humor, when I’m doing a solo activity he would just sit somewhere nearby just to be around me and my siblings. It may seem minimal but it was comforting and there was love in it. But now I feel guilt for loving him. He betrayed my mom. While we may argue with my mother from time to time she was the one who raised us and showed unconditional love even when she was angry with us. Everything she did was out of love for us. I feel like I was disloyal to her for still loving my father. I know I didn’t know what was going on but now that I do I feel like my father shouldn’t have had those 10 years of me loving him.
It’s one thing for him to flirt with another woman, it’s another to sleep with her and it’s even worse to give your spouse an STD.
But this was 10 years ago. My parents have obviously moved on. Sure my mom might get a bit paranoid at times but it’s understandable as he has been unfaithful before. I’m grown up and can sense better when things are off and I haven’t seen my parents love waver. I just feel such an immense amount of guilt. What if my mom really did want a divorce but just pushed through it so that me and my siblings had an unbroken family? I know things are better now and what happened was so long ago but how can I look at my father the same way? I can’t just confront my parents about it as my sister was supposed to take this to the grave and this would just get her in trouble. But now I feel like if I keep loving my dad I’m accepting what he did. Like what if my partner cheats when I’m married? Should I also accept them back as I can see it is possible to move past it with my parents? I’m just so confused, I want to forget and move past it. But he did one of the worst things you could do to your partner. What do I do?
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It has nothing to do with you. It hasn’t changed how he parents. Just because he’s a shitty husband doesn’t mean he’s a shitty father.
My suggestion would be to find therapy for yourself to safely talk out your all your feelings to someone who doesn’t have a stake in what you say, like your siblings.
Its not your business so you have nothing to do about it besides dealing with your emotions.
I know this is a standard redditor’s response but I would recommend going into therapy. There were several instances in your post that seemed like internalized misogyny – downplaying your mom’s feelings of “paranoia”, thinking that “men have higher sexual drive so it’s more understandable that they decide to cheat”, “mom not meeting father’s needs” as an possible excuse for cheating (it’s always the cheater’s fault).
So yeah, I think a therapist would be a good option.
He is still your father, and he seems to be a good one though I would try to find out who has been feeding you consciously or unconsciously, those misogynistic ideas.
And of course support your mom and don’t downplay her feelings.
What you do is you mind your own business and get on with your life as it has nothing to do with you. It is between your mother and your father. They have no reason to have told you.
I don’t agree with any of the posts here. It may not be “your business” that your dad had an affair and gave your mom an STD, but he’s still a liar and a cheat. You thought you knew someone and in fact you didn’t. It’s the lying, and deception, and the lack of morals. Some people like to rug sweep, but I personally wouldn’t be able to look at someone the same way and I wouldn’t need a therapist to tell me tell me how to justify and accept something that changes your view of them.
The only thing you need to acknowledge is that your dad isn’t perfect, and that you’re allowed to feel betrayed even if it wasn’t you who was directly affected. You cheat on your spouse, you cheat on your family – hard stop.
This has nothing to do with you. This is between your parents. Yup. Dad is not perfect and fucked up. Seems like he made amends and works hard on his relationship now. Marriage can be tough. Between work and kids and life in general couples can drift apart. Especially when the sex and intimacy fizzle out. People are not perfect and we all do the best we can. That he was not a perfect husband does not take away from him being a good father. Yes, your partner may or may not cheat on you in the future. It will be up to you to decide if you want to salvage the relationship if the time comes. My dad cheated on my mom. They divorced and remarried 20 years later. It made me have some pretty strict views about cheating. Your sister should never have said anything, but she should (ideally) have never been put in that position. Maybe get some therapy and sort things out. Your parents have sorted things out and come out better for it. Hopefully you will too
You don’t do anything, it’s nothing whatsoever to do with u
Ignore everyone posting who claims that marital infidelity doesn’t affect the children or have anything to do with them; you could fill the Library of Congress with the number of professional articles that say otherwise, as any child psychologist or psychiatrist will gladly explain.
In fact, there is an entire subreddit created by a child psychologist for children seeking advice in this situation where you’ll get much better answers than you’ll find here, called Kids of Cheating Parents (no spaces).
All these comments saying “it’s nothing to do with you” I don’t agree with. OP was 14 when her dad was having an affair. If you’re married and you cheat you’re not just cheating on your partner you’re cheating on your whole family. There’s a whole circle of trust in a family and it absolutely makes sense that there’s a sense of betrayal on OPs part. I totally understand the mom hiding the affair, since she decided to forgive/work on the marriage and didn’t want her kids to take sides in the moment. But, I don’t think “taking things to the grave” with these secrets is healthy either. It came up in context and I don’t blame the older sister for telling.
I think there’s a way to look at this situation as: a person can do a bad thing without having to be considered a bad person for the rest of their life. Those without sins cast the first stone kinda thing. I do agree that having a third party like a therapist to talk to about these things is a healthy way to sort it out. Ultimately, your mom decided to forgive your father, so hopefully there’s a way for you to come to that point eventually as well. Give yourself grace though, your parents have had 10 yrs to process this but it’s fresh to you so it’s okay to have these mixed feelings. Loving your dad is not a betrayal to your mom- and it also doesn’t mean you condone what he’s done either.
Just talk to your dad when the two of you are alone. Tell him you know and are not happy with that. Let him give his opinion or whatever and then talk to your mom. Same conversation to both and from there on you can express your opinion and feelings. No therapist needed, just a conversation should be made.
It’s really none of your business. Your mom forgave him.
Your mom is the one who forgive him you have no reason to feel any guilt . Yes he made a mistake and you mom seems to be happy with him. He has done a lot to earn her trust I’m sure there is much more that even your sister doesn’t know about. I know when my wife cheated on me there were a lot of things she had to do to earn my trust back. She did a lot to earn my trust back and my respect.
Think back to what kind of father he was before the affair and after it sounds like he’s tried very hard to keep your family together and became a great father to you and husband to your mom. Your mom specifically did NOT want you to know because they didn’t want you to view them differently. However you did find out and it’s weighing on you you have to ask yourself
1 Is your mom happy now? From what you wrote I’d say yes in which case would saying something do any good or would it
Bring back very painful memories that would open that old wound?
I believe that you should do one of 2 things 1 have your sister go to your parents an tell them she let the secret slip and she and you and your brother want to sit down and discuss it calmly. Or don’t say anything.
But if they are happy why would you want to ruin that