This is hard to even write.
Last year, I lost my daughter at 37 weeks. Stillborn. It nearly broke me. I was in the hospital for 5 days and couldn’t speak to anyone, not even my husband.
MIL showed up uninvited, cried louder than me, and told me this was “God’s way of teaching me not to be prideful.” I had just lost my child. She said I “needed to remember who’s in control.”
We cut contact for a while.
I’m now 22 weeks pregnant again. High-risk. Cautiously hopeful. Last week, my husband posted a small update on his private Facebook, just saying we were grateful for a healthy anatomy scan.
She immediately commented: “Yay! Can’t wait to be there for the next ultrasound!”
WHAT.
We did not invite her. She has not apologized for what she said. And now she thinks she’s earned a seat in the room?
I told my husband she’s not coming. He agreed but said we should at least give her a chance to explain. I don’t want to hear it. There is no justification for what she said at my lowest.
I’m done. Done trying to mend what she keeps breaking. She will not be in that room. She will not be in my delivery room. And unless she gives me a real apology, not “sorry you were upset”, she won’t be in our lives either.
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I’m sorry for the loss and yes that was a despicable remark and utterly inexcusable.
Tell her only you and hubby will be at all medical appointments.
I’m so sorry for your loss. I have struggled enough with a loss at 12 weeks so I cannot even imagine the pain you felt and still feel.
You are absolutely justified to never speak to that woman again. Her comment was one of the more disgusting things I have ever heard said to a grieving parent.
Sending strength and good thoughts for this pregnancy.
No. You shouldn’t give her a chance to explain. In fact, your husband should tell her exactly why she won’t be there, not that she should have been included even without doing what she did. And your husband needs to be very specific that what she said was absolutely nasty and cruel at an extremely horrific and traumatic time for you. If some had the audacity to tell me that losing my baby at 37 weeks had something to do with being prideful and God was teaching me a lesson, I’d never speak to them again. They would never get know any other children I may have. Her comment was absolutely disgusting and she should be made to learn a lesson about her poor behavior. It’s what God would want.
Hell no. She crossed every line possible. “Lesson from God”? That’s beyond cruel. You don’t owe her a chance to explain, she’s shown her true colors. Protect yourself and your baby. No apology, no access. Your husband needs to understand this isn’t negotiable.
I can’t even begin to imagine someone who said such a horrible thing to you after going through such trauma to be allowed to have any part in your pregnancy now, or in being around your child when they are born… If she questions why, tell her to “take it as a lesson from God”
I wish you the best of luck and health through your pregnancy and may you have an uneventful and healthy pregnancy and birth. You deserve to be surrounded by supportive people and people who say crap like that have no place in that loving circle…
What a callous person your MIL is and I am so sorry for your loss and the hurt you had to bear at her despicable words.
Some statement made in times of loss are just unforgettable and this one obviously broke you and you won’t ever get over it. I would tell your husband you are not opening up any situation you are going to be hurt again and he has to tell her that there is no going back, no visits pre birth and that you will be civil after baby is born but that’s all you are capable of and then just focus on you and your pregnancy.
I really hope that you stay safe and wish you a safe delivery and happy motherhood with the best baby ever. All the best to you x
I speak as a devout Christian… What your MIL said was not ok. Not even slightly ok. It was needless and cruel, and like as not to drive you further from God than back towards him.
I will say that it is important to forgive, if only because letting go feels better in the long run. But forgiveness does not mean you have to let her back into your life or allow her into your space. She needs to apologise and she needs to take a good long look at herself and her faith before she ever thinks of spouting off like that again.
Edit to add: I am so so sorry for your loss. I hope that as time goes on you can find peace and joy within your life. I pray for your healing and for you to have an uneventful pregnancy with a beautiful rainbow baby at the end. I hope you can be gentle with yourself and I pray for the strength to fight against any fears you may have about this pregnancy. May you be surrounded by those who love and support you and who hold you up when things get hard. May God surround you with his love in Jesus’s name.
You’re an incredibly kind person, because I wouldn’t even entertain hearing her name again, let alone give her an audience to “explain”.
She and her vengeful God can GTFO.
“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” Maya Angelou
I am so sorry for your loss.
That said, I’d say This is a lesson from your God, teaching you a lesson not to be prideful. Remember who is in control. Then I’d hang up, block and remove her from absolutely everywhere.
Somethings can’t be taken back and fixed or forgiven. Somethings have no way of being righted even after sincere, genuine apologies. I’d tell and not discuss that she is not to know when you go into labor, and will receive no more updates and while your husband is free to have the relationship he wants with his own mom, I’d seriously not have or have very very very limited relationship with me and my child.
I am sorry you’re going through third at such a vulnerable time.
If your husband didn’t absolutely rip through her to the point she is terrified to ever put another toe out of line, then he has failed you
How old is your MIL? Is she okay mentally? I ask because of an incident with my mother – she was always pestering my daughter to make her a great-grandma, in a nice way so no problems with that. But we had to put her in a nursing facility as her health was declining rapidly and we couldn’t take care of her a home, she needed 24/7 nursing help. Eventually my daughter did get pregnant and Mom was over the moon! Until it was time for the baby shower – I asked Mom if she’d be willing to give her a crib. It was 400.00 and Mom had about half a million dollars so not a big deal. Mom said that she was hesitant to spend that much when it was a high risk pregnancy and she didn’t want to spend the money in case the baby died. It was out of character for her, said in a nasty way, and I’ve never forgiven her for that comment. My darling granddaughter is 7 and the light of my life.
What could your MIL possibly have meant by what she said that would make it okay? Your husband needs to stop worrying about his mom and her feelings and give up on the hope she will make amends. She has had plenty of time to feel remorse for the impact of what she said had on you in an unbelievably devastating moment and apologize. She should be absolutely ashamed of herself and your husband shouldn’t be asking you to include her in any way or give her a chance when she isn’t asking for it. She isn’t entitled and he needs to understand you’re under no obligation to ever see her again.
I don’t have anything helpful to say really. I’m just so sorry for your loss and I’m so sorry someone would say that to you at such a difficult time. That is so fucking cruel. Sending you hugs and best wishes.
wtf?! No, she does not get to explain herself.