I have some religious parents who think having kids is some “essential goal” or something. Personally I’ve always been neutral on the idea of having kids it’s not something I’ve totally ruled out but with how expensive everythings becoming I’m probably ruling it. Recently my parents have been trying to convince us to have kids.
I’ve been working a lot since finished university i make around 180,000 in total now. My wife makes 120,000. It’s high but even then we don’t really plan on having kids. We live in a HCOL area and recommendations say that a family of four should need an income of around 320,000 to live comfortably where we live. We could afford kids now but daycare is insanely expensive here costing from 20-30 thousand a year.
I don’t really want to ever worry about money both especially with how much we make and having one or two kids is probably going to stretch that amount. Plus we’ll have to save for their university which is only going to get more expensive and it’ll take away money from our retirement. These are the several reasons i don’t really want to have kids it’s not that it’s “unaffordable” but it’s going to strain our life in a way we don’t want. So we decided we probably weren’t going to have kids. I’m satisfied just being an uncle.
My mother is saying that “money isn’t an excuse” because “there are people raising their kids on 50,000 alone” and that money wasn’t a good reason not to have kids. I told my mother to stop expecting grand kids from me and told her to take care of the ones she already has. She now says I’m being rude and selfish.
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I have some religious parents who think having kids is some “essential goal” or something. Personally I’ve always been neutral on the idea of having kids it’s not something I’ve totally ruled out but with how expensive everythings becoming I’m probably ruling it. Recently my parents have been trying to convince us to have kids.
I’ve been working a lot since finished university i make around 180,000 in total now. My wife makes 120,000. It’s high but even then we don’t really plan on having kids. We live in a HCOL area and recommendations say that a family of four should need an income of around 320,000 to live comfortably where we live. We could afford kids now but daycare is insanely expensive here costing from 20-30 thousand a year.
I don’t really want to ever worry about money both especially with how much we make and having one or two kids is probably going to stretch that amount. Plus we’ll have to save for their university which is only going to get more expensive and it’ll take away money from our retirement. These are the several reasons i don’t really want to have kids it’s not that it’s “unaffordable” but it’s going to strain our life in a way we don’t want. So we decided we probably weren’t going to have kids. I’m satisfied just being an uncle.
My mother is saying that “money isn’t an excuse” because “there are people raising their kids on 50,000 alone” and that money wasn’t a good reason not to have kids. I told my mother to stop expecting grand kids from me and told her to take care of the ones she already has. She now says I’m being rude and selfish.
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> My mother thinks I’m an ah for not wanting kids i feel like an ah for not wanting kids
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. I’m sorry, but how is it not selfish for her to be asking someone else to have kids, because she clearly wants grandchildren? You can do whatever you want with your life. Children are a massive commitment and if you don’t want them, you don’t want them.
NTA obviously but it baffles me that it’d take me 15 years what you guys make in one
Your mum is right that the issue is not money.
Your mum is wrong to pressure you to have kids.
Every child deserves to be a wanted who is very loved. Having kids is a lot of work. You should only be doing it if you really want a kid.
Your mother seems rather entitled. “I dont want children” is a great reason not to have children. And its up to you and your partner. Not anyone else.
YTA. You guys are richer than my entire extended family combined. £180,000 per year is insane!!!
Stop lying to your parents, and tell them the real reasons you don’t want kids (e.g. not feeling ready, etc).
YTA
Why? Because you are being disingenuous. You are making way more than enough to have a family of any size. No one’s making you live in a HCOL area. No one’s making you hire day-care costing 20-30 k a year (that’s ridiculous). And even with all that, you admitted you still can comfortably afford a family.
If you don’t want kids, that’s your choice (though selfish). But don’t lie to your mother.
NTA. IMO, only people who really want children should have them.
What is not a good reason to have them is because the would-be-grandparents want grandchildren, or because someone else thinks you should.
No?
It’s not rude to be upfront and honest about your position on having children. Children are a privilege and not a “must have”. Not wanting to go into your twilight years having to worry about money is not a moral failing. There are also people raising children without adequate access to healthcare, food and education and that doesn’t excuse their choice to be parents. Being a parent should be a conscious and rationalized choice. Most people can have children, many do not have the resources to provide adequately for them. You should be applauded for having thought out your decision.
Wanting to be a grandma umpteen times over is not an excuse to try and emotionally browbeat your children. This is the same logic employed by pro-lifers who scream about the sanctity of life but then do nothing to help ensure all these children have food, roofs over their heads and schooling.
NAH.
ESH
I mean, it is absolutely legitimate for you to not want kids and your mother should stop pressuring you. But money is not an issue in the sense that, if you wanted kids, in your situation there wouldn’t be a financial obstacle to it. So why use money as the reason. You don’t want kids and that’s okay.
NTA – but you could tell your parents you will have children if they will sign a contract stating they will pay for full-time child care throughout the child’s life, put aside 100k per child for higher education and or home deposit for each child. And pay for summer camps each year and an additional 10k per year for hobby activities.
Edit to add: also she should sign to say she is willing to pay 100% of all medical costs in the event the child has a life long condition.
If she is not willing to put her money where her mouth is then she has no say and should never bring up children again.
Definitely NTA
While I may agree money alone isn’t a reason to not have children – IF YOU WANT THEM. You clearly don’t and there’s no shame in that. In fact it’s very responsible.
Your Mother is being very unreasonable plus it’s not like she doesn’t already have Grandchildren (not that, that should make a difference to you).
You don’t sound rude or selfish but rather honest and responsible.
Your parents have lead the life they wanted they need to respect that you and your wife are doing the same AND are in agreement on this.
Point of Clarification: Why do you jump to a family of four? By that point, a family of three only needs 220k, which you make in spades, with enough left over to have college and a car saved up for in 5 years (with a budget and assuming to crisis).
Withholding judgement for now.
You are making a big deal out of it. You can live your life any way you want.
YTAH is you continue to claim finances
YNTAH if you just state that you don’t want kids, which is clearly the case, and is your right.
INFO: are you an only child, and if so do you know why your parents didn’t fulfill their religious obligations better themselves?
Wouldn’t it be funny if they wanted to afford nice things for themselves so only had one?
NTA but there is no joy like holding a new life or hearing your own child’s laugh. Sometimes the best things in life are a strain. Your parents might be grieving a grandchild they know they will never have. How would you treat an infertile friend that wanted one more child? It’s hard to loose hopes and dreams. Recognize the grief and have a compassionate response. Love your life – know that these are big choices and ask your parents to let you make your own. Honestly you are only the second generation that has had the choice.
You chose how many kids to have Mum, back when it was more affordable to do so. You didn’t ask my opinion obviously, so I fail to see how relevant yours is 30 something years later.
Unfortunately, parents are human and get used to their voices being heard. You need to repeat “ I will not discuss this with you, if you continue to bring it up I will leave, hang up the phone, walk out…” and do it! We can be taught!
NTA. The discussion of having kids is between you and your wife. No one else is entitled to that conversation. Personally I think parents asking about this stuff is invasive. I’d ask your parents about their sex life to drive home the point of how wildly inappropriate it is to not only ask about having kids but to try and pressure you into it. I’d also tell them to stop bringing it up and if they do remove yourself from the situation
In this case she is right that you’re making more than enough money to have kids. If that was the real reason not to, then money is definitely too important to you.