My sister (34F) insists she has ADHD and talks about how it’s such a drain on her life, but refuses to get officially diagnosed. Her reasoning is that it’s too overwhelming and expensive, even though she does have the money to do it (I get that finding the time to do it is tricky, as she has a two year old, but I know she could make time for it. IMO this is something she should prioritize).
She also has anxiety (and takes medication for it), and honestly, some of the things she attributes to ADHD seem more like anxiety to me — but I’m not a doctor, which is why I think a diagnosis would help.
I’ve told her that I want to understand and support her better, and if she did get diagnosed, I’d be happy to read up on her specific type of ADHD, if that’s even what she has. But she keeps saying I should just take her word for it and start reading books now. Her view is that if she says she struggles, that should be enough for me to offer support.
The problem is, I’m finding it hard to fully empathize when she won’t take that step toward clarity. I’m not trying to invalidate her, but how am I supposed to know what’s really going on if she won’t even explore it herself?
AITA for not being super sympathetic until she gets tested?
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My sister (34F) insists she has ADHD and talks about how it’s such a drain on her life, but refuses to get officially diagnosed. Her reasoning is that it’s too overwhelming and expensive, even though she does have the money to do it (I get that finding the time to do it is tricky, as she has a two year old, but I know she could make time for it. IMO this is something she should prioritize).
She also has anxiety (and takes medication for it), and honestly, some of the things she attributes to ADHD seem more like anxiety to me — but I’m not a doctor, which is why I think a diagnosis would help.
I’ve told her that I want to understand and support her better, and if she did get diagnosed, I’d be happy to read up on her specific type of ADHD, if that’s even what she has. But she keeps saying I should just take her word for it and start reading books now. Her view is that if she says she struggles, that should be enough for me to offer support.
The problem is, I’m finding it hard to fully empathize when she won’t take that step toward clarity. I’m not trying to invalidate her, but how am I supposed to know what’s really going on if she won’t even explore it herself?
AITA for not being super sympathetic until she gets tested?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told her I can really empathize or understand until she gets tested. I feel like I might be TA because as her sister should I just not take her word for it, instead of insisting she get tested?
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA she’s claiming to have a real disability while acting obnoxious and using it as an excuse.
I have ADHD it doesn’t make me a jerk.
NTA but it’s not odd that a person who thinks they have adhd finds it overwhelming to do something that isn’t necessary for survival. executive function issues make it hard to address executive dysfunction issues.
>she keeps saying I should just take her word for it and start reading books now. Her view is that if she says she struggles, that should be enough for me to offer support.
So… she doesn’t have to make the effort to get professionally diagnosed and get the proper treatment (assuming she actually has anything to be diagnosed); meanwhile, you should start making effort to study up on and support a condition she may well not even have.
I’d tell her that if it’s not important enough to her to get officially diagnosed, it’s not important enough for you to put any effort or consideration into. Why on earth should you take it more seriously than she does?
NTA
ETA: Even if she has ADHD that is something she should learn about herself and find/develop coping mechanisms for so that it hinders her life as little as possible. It’s like identifying a specific hurdle and then learning how to jump over it or get around it; it’s not about claiming there is some vague hurdle in front blocking you and that is why you can’t move forward, need others to do things for you, and have to be excused for everything, whether it’s lack of consideration, failure to keep promises, or whatever.
well.. putting off getting g a diagnosis is exactly what someone with adhd would do lol
Just be there. She’s not wrong that it’s expensive, there’s massive wait times 6 mths + plus & there’s a medicine shortage as well. It’s not a great time to pursue a diagnosis
YTA. It actually isn’t necessary for her to get an official diagnosis. I’ve known a few people who have ADHD and it’s damn obvious that this is what they have. They haven’t needed external validation to know what’s going on with them, and to be able to accept themselves and make any necessary adjustments in their lives. Maybe do some reading yourself and start believing your sister. Just because a person has an official, expensive diagnosis, doesn’t mean that they will be ‘cured’. Accept your sister as she is.
Yta, she’s a mother with a ton on her plate and you want her to do what you think is important simply to the benefit of your satisfaction. A diagnosis does nothing. You don’t even necessarily need an official diagnosis to be medicated for adhd. Not only do you know painfully little but you also feel the need to tell others how to live their lives based on your personal ignorance?
Edit, if you think it’s so important then you should be the one to do something about it. Read those books she told you about. Do some research. You’re an adult.
YTA. When you realise you have adhd and it explain all the pain and struggles you’ve experienced your whole life it gives you clarity and comfort. For the first time in your life you understand yourself and forgive yourself for all the things you didn’t finish, potential you didn’t fulfil. You know that formal diagnosis can open doors to treatment . But a little bit of you also fears that for some reason you might not get formally diagnosed: perhaps you will forget to mention critical factors or lack evidence it impacted you before a certain age, or maybe you will be assessed by a practitioner who doesn’t believe adult women actually can have adhd or will decide you’re drug seeking or whatever. Or you have a sibling who doesn’t belive you and makes you doubt. So there is an albeit tiny but non zero risk you’ll be rejected and told you don’t have it and all the lost confusion and alienation of your existence will flood back only this time without hope. so you procrastinate.
This is so odd to me because I didn’t have any issue getting diagnosed. My therapist was a clinical social worker and diagnosed me after a few weeks of seeing her.
NAH – while I agree with the points of people who say you’re the A, I think you and your sister are approaching the same problem but with two different neurotypes. I have adhd and I had no idea what a game changer medication would be. I could not imagine parenting with adhd without medication – I am an infinitely more patient and calm person now that my own meltdown cycles are better managed. Instead of you and your sister being on opposite sides of the problem, try to team up with her so it’s you two AGAINST the problem. Help her get on a waitlist, help her with the forms, help her by reading about adult women and parents with adhd to understand the struggles she has. Best of luck to you and your family
If she’s in the US, the ADHD tendency to put off getting diagnosed is probably a good thing right now.
NTA.
While the other comments stating she shouldn’t need an expensive diagnosis are true, it’s also not on you to start loads of work on an assumption.
As an ADD sufferer it is upto ourselves to make the necessary accommodations in our lives; lists, alerts, calenders, fucking post-it’s for regular shit and none of this is on you at all. This is probably gonna get down voted to oblivion but it’s not on you to work around our shit, just manage expectations knowing the extent of it.
If she’s struggling with certain things that are represented by ADHD then what’s the harm in reading up on it instead of doom scrolling? It’s a good thing to know about regardless.
It’s also very much a thing that a lot of people with ADHD struggle with making medical appointments and decision making so honestly I kinda get it. There’s a running joke with ADHD’ers that the test should be if you can make it through all the forms (there’s a lot). It’s not a simple process, multiple medical professionals, referrals, waiting, chasing up people who don’t return your phone call and so on.
Depending where you live the price can be thousands of dollars and the wait can be years, not months. ADHD is largely based on needing quick rewards which can make starting big tasks that seem like they’re never going to happen very very difficult to start.
If you truly do want to support her, do some research because you might even come across some strategies that work to actually support her to start the process. Whether she is or not.
Context; I’m ADHD and autistic.
I feel like at this point the neuro diverse are the people without adhd
I’m in a similar situation to your sister. Being around the same age (I’m 36), we’re from the time where ADHD, autism and other similar issues weren’t often diagnosed. It still existed, but we just became the “strange” relative who likes to show off their spoon collection.
I’m undiagnosed myself, but the symptoms are definitely there. Surely the signs are enough for empathy?
I have questions as to when she started thinking she had ADHD. Like, she may have had it “more together” before giving birth and now the responsibilities of parenting have laid bare her difficulties and/or hormonal changes due to giving birth could also factor into that. Or was it patently obvious to anyone beforehand that she seemed to have ADHD?
NTA. It’s not about an “expensive diagnosis” like other people have said, it is more about a diagnosis helping her find tools to navigate this issue if she has it. No offense, but the last thing the world needs is more people who say they have mental health issues because someone on social media said so.
Soft YTA. Let’s take the approach that she has ADHD. This would be something she’s had all her life, and that she’s put a lot of energy into coping with and masking, likely not even realizing it. It can be a mindfuck to learn about in your 30s and realize, ‘oh my whole life revolved around this and I didn’t even realize it’.
A hallmark of ADHD is having trouble organizing thoughts to complete a task. It might take some time to process, plan and execute – and she’s on her own timeline, not yours.
If she doesn’t have ADHD, she’s working through something in her own mind to explain the struggles she’s going through. And it’s not your place to detect and direct her on how to work through it. It sounds like all she really wants is support, which anyone with a two year old will want & need, regardless of ADHD.
Lastly, ADHD can be a bitch to manage. Medication isn’t an end all be all. It can take trying different meds, different doses, behavior therapy, major lifestyle changes. Medication can be life-changing in terms of executive function, but it can also dehydrate you, increase anxiety, cause crashes at the end of the day, exacerbate underlying issues, especially cardio. Lots of people with ADHD refuse to take meds. Lots of people take meds and it makes the do a 180 for the better. It’s just not a simple decision to go get a diagnosis, get medicated and then there, you’re-all-better-stop-complaining-now.