TL;DR – My boyfriend broke up with me last night because I wanted more time to buy a property and I just allowed the break up to happen rather than try and hash it out. He is very wealthy and could give me a family I want but has a lot of red flags, did I make the right choice?
I am a 35(f) woman and been dating a 44(m) man for a couple of months. Last night we broke up and I am just looking for reassurance I guess that I made the right decision. I still want a family and kids and the guy was a very wealthy man and wanting more children (he has one teenager already). I had been trying to look past some things but I was really struggling to do so, and been having thoughts that maybe this probs going to be a bad relationship. Last night it all came to a head because I said I need a bit more space to look at buying a property and he has been trying to spend all my free time with me since we met. He didn’t take this very well and then said maybe we should break up and I didn’t really agree with this necessarily but the fact his first reaction was to end things pissed me off.
I said ‘I don’t really know what to say’ and he was like ‘well you could fight for me’.
I guess I felt he was being manipulative. We discussed things further and I said that I felt he didn’t respect my free time and saw my free-time as his free time and he disagreed with that, I also said I found him to be quite needy and that really offended him.
I think he started talking about breaking up because he thought I was going to do it first but I am really not sure.
There were a few red flags already:
- I’m not sure how long after we started dating but I would say 2-3 weeks he told me he loved me, and was upset I didn’t say it back. I was like I’m not there yet but on some level I was sensing that he really needed this for some reason. Subsequently, he kept saying it and asking me if I loved him yet, which kinda ruined the romance for me tbh. He even told me to just say it cos its nice. Nearly every time I see him he says ‘I love you’ and when I don’t so it back, he says something like ‘not yet then’. which as you can imagine is very unromantic and feels like he’s bullying me into it
- He also had some erectile issues which is fine, and this had been getting better, when I was like do you think its physical or psychological, I felt like he kinda blamed me by saying ‘I’m just not used to you yet’ and blaming the angle of my vag lol without any further elaboration – I didn’t want to push this issue too much because I’m sure its not a great feeling for him
- Following on from that I feel like he blames other people in his life for weird things – for example when we started having sex he always went straight to penetrative sex and didn’t attempt foreplay. I said I want foreplay and explained that it’s a normal part of sex and he said that he had not ever done it before because his ex wife (16 years) only wanted PIV sex and previous exes never that bothered which I find strange.
- He blamed his last gf (3 week relationship) for saying I love you so soon because she influenced him – which for a 44 year old man is a bit weak imo
- Regarding oral sex he said his parents had told him it that oral sex gives you diseases so he didn’t do it. This I found particularly strange, he did perform oral sex on me and fairly well, I think he even came to like doing it but he outright refused me to give him oral.
- He also didn’t believe me when I told him oral sex is a widely practiced thing and a lot of men actually enjoy giving it. He said maybe it was the ‘type of guys’ I had been choosing. Subsequently he looked it up in various places online a discovered that it was in fact very widely practiced and was quite surprised. I think I was more surprised that he was surprised tbh
- He isn’t massively unfit and in quite good shape but he even finds missionary challenging and after a couple of mins because his arms get tired, in doggy its too uncomfortable, me on top is not the right angle, we had sex on the sofa and it hurt his knees etc etc. basically he only likes shagging if we are spooning and he very rarely cums
- Baby talk/child voice – in the first couple or more weeks he defo didn’t do this but he increasingly started speaking in a childlike way. After a while I told him I didn’t like it and it was affecting my attraction for him – he told me it was his brothers and parents fault because they did it (I’ve never met his brother or parents). I think this behaviour was quite ingrained because I don’t think he realised he was doing it. He also did not think it was much of an issue at all though and just said that I clearly preferred toxic masculinity. I have never dated anyone that spoke in childlike way/cadence before – is this a thing?
- He keeps trying to convince me to go away, last night he kept inviting to do things even though I told him I need to take time to look at and buy a property he will insist on trying to persuade me to meet him and do things with him. Like, trying to plan a trip to Scotland, go off-roading, go to Hungary, go indoor skydiving. I feel like I have to keep saying ‘yes that would be nice to do in the not too distance future but i really can’t commit to anything because I am currently house searching’. Then he acts a bit hurt.
- Like I said i am looking to buy a property, and when i speak about it, he says things like you won’t need to because you can move in with me. I said, we aren’t really there yet and I still want to own property anyway. Then he says things like, ‘If you get pregnant are you planning to live separately to me? You won’t need another property if we have kids together etc., are you planning to get pregnant and take advantage of my wealth’
- I am also looking at buying a car and he keeps saying he will buy me one and I keep turning it down – I don’t think it is coming from a healthy place from him and we have only been dating a couple months, it feels wrong. I cannot really understand why he is so pushy to try and buy me a car
- He was overstepping boundaries, like inviting himself to my place without checking I wanted him to come first or even that I was in – a couple of times he even got a bit upset when I pushed back or was a bit miffed about it. He also started talking about joining my Crossfit Gym (he’s never done CF) and mine would be far away compare to other ones closer to where he lives. I also travel for work a couple of times a year and he was talking about joining me which would be so inappropriate and my workplace probably wouldn’t allow it. He actually said he would be happy to speak to them about it and I was like no!
- I have noticed that if I start talking about something, before I can even finish speaking about it, he starts talking about a time that he did something similar and I don’t finish whatever story I started
- He is very rich because his Dad started a very successful business and as far as I can tell he just works for the business in possibly a superficial way – he barely goes in – but then I can’t quite figure out what he does with the rest of his time. Of course he has a son, and has the normal life things to do (he has a cleaner and gardener so doesn’t do that). He doesn’t seem to have any hobbies that I am aware of so I find that kind of unattractive and probably not good for a person to have no goals. I kinda of think he is a consumer, it seems he just buys things.
- I was watching a Netflix show called Baby Reindeer at his place and it deals with some quite dark themes. I don’t have Netflix and heard a lot about it when it first came out so wanted to watch it. He kinda mildly flipped out watching it. He said people who watch these kind of shows are weird, he thinks anyone who watches true crime has something wrong with them. His ex wife watched shows like Dexter and crime shows and he hated it. As far as I can tell he only watches children’s films or basic action films that aren’t too graphic.
- I like rock climbing and have been climbing on and off for about 10 years, so I am decent enough. When we went indoor climbing, afterwards he said he was surprised that I was better than him and he thought he would be better than me or at least on par with me. I have no idea why he thought this.
- I also used to be a hiking guide and have hiked some fairly decent hikes around the world and he believes ‘it can’t be that hard, it’s only walking vertically’. he wanted to book a trip to Scotland to climb Ben Nevis, which I have hiked before. I said I think it might be better to try something that isn’t the highest peak in the UK and he got upset that I didn’t have faith in him. Bearing in mind he gets tired in missionary after 2-3 minutes.
- I generally find him to be quite needy but also not actually interested in me as a person. Like he doesn’t ask much about my life, travels or hobbies.
Last night was the weirdest end to a relationship, as that same day, he was offering to buy me a car, wanting to go on holidays all over the place, always says I love you, tells me I am perfect, and then when I said I need more spare time to look at buying a property he basically dumped me – it was so weird. Should I have tried to talk to him further and try to recover the relationship?
Did I make the make choice given my age and wanting to have a family? Should I have stopped the break up or are there too many red flags?