Hello people of Reddit!
Me and my girlfriend have had a on and off relationship while in highschool and it has also been a little rocky in our early adulthood. She is a student who is getting into nursing, and I am a pre med student who opted to get my school payed for by the military. We have been together for around 4 years now but have had a couple breaks, because of me being dumb. I haven’t been the best boyfriend but I have made grown from my mistakes. We have recently been in a lot of arguments because she really wants to get engaged and start a family very soon (soon being married at like 22, kids by 23 atleast). Where the issue is I don’t feel like I’m ready for that. Since I joined the military (air guard) I have been set back in time. I really am just getting into college and I personally feel like taking those steps would be a lot for me especially if I do make it into med school. She also doesn’t want me going away to the college I have been looking forward to for my whole life, she’s told me many times she just doesn’t see us working out. I am just at a loss how to feel and definitely get bad anxiety from it. I’m young so I’m just trying to figure it all out!
Ps. She feels like she is on a strict timeline for getting married and having kids so she isn’t a old mom
Pss. I honestly feel as if I’m not mature enough for those next steps and it would just cause us to have more problems than what we already do.
Psss. Her brother and my friends have told me multiple times that i should live life and break up with her, but she’s the only person who I see myself being with atm.
TLDR: My girlfriend wants to get married and have kids and I’m not ready for it.
Comments
“No. I don’t want to get married until I am at least <age> and I don’t want to have children until have have <done these things>. If you want to get married and have children so young, we are not compatible.”
It always freaks me out when people need to be married by (age) or have kids by (age).
It’s like when a teenager pulls out their binder they made in middle school for their wedding. And it’s gotta have blue flowers!
Our thoughts and ideas change as we get older. To hold on to a number because you’ve decided it in your head years ago is a spooky thought and not at all rooted in your current reality.
I would consider this less of she needs to marry by (age) and both of you need to sort out if you are each others forever person. If you’re still figuring that out (which takes a long time for some couples) then you need to keep exploring that.
If you are each others person and you both align on the concept of children with your mutual life paths in mind then you can continue to discuss that concept and agree on a time that you are BOTH ready to jump into those important chapters together.
I really can’t grasp the concept of leading with (potentially impossible timeline).
Way too young. Get rid of her.
I think you may be incompatible. Kids are a huge commitment, financially and timewise. Once you have them, things like career advancement, completing degrees, and self development have to take a back seat even if you try to prioritize them. Even if you aren’t the primary caregiver, sleep deprivation and a partner who is focused on the kids takes its toll on these things. Also, kids take a hell of a toll on a relationship. You’ve got to be able to work through stuff together before you bring someone into that.
I personally valued financial stability over being a young mom. I did the military at your age, and was able to be home with them, without having to go to schools or on deployment to advance my career. I feel like my kids are having a safer childhood and get to have way more experiences, which I couldn’t have afforded in my early 20s.
This is an essential part of a relationship. It sounds like she’s valuing young motherhood over any impacts it might have.
As a general rule, if all of your friends and even your partner’s friends are telling you your partner is not good for you, they’re almost certainly right. They’re not all just conspiring to lie to you.
You seem to know in your heart that your plans and dreams aren’t compatible, and you can’t live a life with her that will make you both happy. But you can’t imagine a life without her, so you stall the decision.
I’d like to say that this will change surprisingly fast if you do let go. I know it’s difficult to imagine a life without the people you’re currently intertwined with, or with people you haven’t met yet. I am someone who was engaged to an incompatible partner at age 21, and now I wake up grateful every day I didn’t commit for life to someone I was madly incompatible with, but just didn’t know how to detach myself from the situation. I know it’s hard, but it’s necessary, if you can’t see yourself sharing her life milestones in even remotely the same schedule.
Even though it feels impossible to imagine, and impossible to comprehend how much your life is still ahead of you. How much you will change, how many of the people you know now might be irrelevant to you in 10, 20, or 30 years – and how many new meaningful people you will meet, who will change your life.
You are too young. You need to wait until you are both 25 before you even consider getting married. Get engaged sooner, if you really feel the need, but do not get married until you’re 25, and don’t have kids until at least a couple years after that.
She’s not going to be an “old mom”. Not being willing to wait shows an incredible lack of maturity. Trying to stop you from going to the college you want to go to is a sign of being controlling. And the idea of getting married too young, having kids too young, and not letting you go to college seem like she’s really just trying to trap you so you can’t escape.
I understand that you love her, but if you do love her, you should want to do what’s RIGHT for her (and right for YOU) rather than simply the things she tells you she wants to do.
I know she’s the only person you see yourself being with, but she’s also the only person you’ve been in a serious relationship with as an adult. She’s exhibiting a lot of red flags. I know you love her, but TRUST me that you need more than just love to sustain a relationship.
I strongly suspect you’re going to do it anyway, even though I assure you that all of the comments on your post are going to say essentially the same thing I’m saying here, and so you’re going to have to learn these things the hard way and regret it later, so good luck.
Do not have sex with her. Stop immediately. Or else, she suddenly find herself pregnant and well on her way to fulfilling her life plan, whether you like it or not.