I 32(f) have been messaging 35(M) for a couple weeks on and off but less than a month. We live long distances from each other.
We met on a dating app exchanged numbers and have been texting since. I was very drawn to this man. He is honest, funny, respectful and we have a lot in common. It started off normal conversations but they started feeling uncomfortable after about a day or too. I would tell him for example that I went on a run or accomplished a task and he would compare me to historical badass as women and writing inspiration paragraphs about how much he admires me. I thought it was a weird way to encourage someone. Then when asking him about his day to day life he would tone it down and let me know the facts and no exaggeration.
When asking him what his thoughts or ideas on marriage would be. He sent me 8 texts detailing our wedding down to the color and tone of my dress to the table scapes and decor. This was after 3 days. Maybe it was my mistake to ask about thoughts about marriage (I didn’t say with me). I let him know it was too intense and I didn’t like to be in some fantasies, we ended things amicably.
We don’t talk for two weeks and he messaged me again saying that he misses me and he really enjoyed the connection we had and to give him another chance since he will promise tone it down. At first talking was great but he sent me a detailed poem written about me that he wrote and told me in detail about a dream he had about me and how happy we were in the dream. He very much speaks in a language where he idealizes me and worships me.
Maybe I’m crazy because I get uncomfortable. I’m not extremely physically attracted to him and he is 100% not my type physically but he checks all the other boxes.
We have had more conversations again about toning it down and I feel like I might be putting barriers for us. Looking for advice on what to do!
Comments
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our rules here. We’d like to take this time to remind users that:
We do not allow any type of am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors
We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.
Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users “friend-zoned”, referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me’s, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. This is not an all-inclusive list.
All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don’t get a free pass.
Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned.
What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, “body counts” or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. This is not an all-inclusive list.
If you have any questions, please message the mods
This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
I would one hundred percent run away from this
Don’t pretend this is a relationship. It’s an online acquaintance. He’s checking all the right boxes and smothering you with attention which he enjoys doing.
Like he does to the dozen or more other women he’s been stringing along.
This is his game.
‘Love bombing’ is a tricky term because it is generally referring to a conscious manipulation tactic.
It is entirely plausible and my eyes likely that this guy is just lonely, desperate, and clingy. And like a lot of people that extremely long for a relationship they often try and skip the early parts of the relationship and rush entanglement. And it doesn’t have to be conscious, it doesn’t have to be manipulation, it can just be putting the cart before the horse so to speak.
Because I think that silly daydream about marriage could be earnest. But the fact he took his fanfiction and glued your face on it 3 days into talking I think speaks to how while he may like you in many ways he likes the ‘idea’ of you more. In his eyes all relationships are means to that end, to his daydream marriage and what he thinks relationships are.
But while I might debate whether strictly speaking it is love bombing I will warn you that either way it is unhealthy. Because as he projects his image of an ideal partner onto you any ways in which you deviate will increasingly upset him. And as he works out more and more how uncomfortable you are [and how easily you left him] I worry his clinginess may turn into trying to be controlling as well. Heck, you aren’t even that attracted and that will get weird as well.
Just doesn’t seem worth it to me. Love bombing, intense, it doesn’t matter. You asked him to chill out and he literally could not stop himself for even a couple of days. A lot of red flags waving her, you say he checks all the other boxes but seems like he fails to tick a heap of them in my eyes.
He’s likely using ChatGPT for everything he sends you, so it’s not as much effort as it might seem. Still, it’s lying, love-bombing nonsense, and you should drop him.
If the hyperbolic compliments aren’t your thing, move along.
This sounds insufferable. I would send him one message saying that the pedestal treatment is bizarre and off-putting, and that he should talk to a therapist about how to interact with women. And then I would block him.