I (41F) have been married to my husband (46M) for 7 years, been together for 17 years. Last year was the most challenging time of our marriage as I discovered him being very close to his female colleague (36F, married with 1 child). He insisted nothing was going on, and said he saw her as a man and treated her as a good friend, nothing else. I had many questions, however.
In their text exchanges,
1. He changed her display name to Ruru, a nickname. He said it was to make fun of her.
2. She mentioned touching his shirt and how it was so soft
3. She said things like “maybe it’s (referring to our marriage) falling apart and I’m just filling a gap that i shouldn’t be filling.
4. He told her he enjoyed foreplay (the exchange itself wasnt sexual, per se, and more of a matter of fact, oh most men do, etc) but just… why would 2 colleagues even talk about foreplay?????????
5. She mentioned that if she caught her husband texting his female colleague this much she would probably lose her shit (then why is she doing that with mine????)
They also texted incessantly, even on weekends and when we were overseas for holiday. And they went for lunches together, and would go for walks together coz “she wanted to clock her 10k steps”. And he never really mentioned her to me coz he knew i didn’t really like her from the first moment he mentioned her to me.
When I told him I think it was minimally an emotional affair that he was having, he blew up on me and accused me of not trusting him, that I only felt this way coz she was female, and if it had been a male colleague it would be nothing.
This happened last August. While he has assured me that he has stopped contact with her and I’m the only one he loves, I’ve been an insecure wreck as they still work together in the same school. I want to trust him, but I can’t seem to be able to. I check his messages (and he allows me to) now and then, but it’s been difficult to say the least.
I’m seriously wondering what I should do. Was i gaslit into thinking i was overthinking things?
TL;DR: husband was overly close to a female colleague and i think it was an emotional affair, though he denied it.
Comments
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It was definitely an emotional affair. The co-worker has admitted to your husband that their relationship is inappropriate and she wouldn’t tolerate her imaginary husband doing what he’s doing. So yes, why is she doing it with yours? She likes the attention.
However, two things can be true at once. You were gaslit, and she was right – it was inappropriate and should not be tolerated.
As for what you should do, I would suggest counselling for both of you individually and as a couple.
If the colleague is saying she’d lose her shit over their connection if she was in your shoes, then that tells you everything you need to know.
The fact she was explicitly referencing the very thing you’re upset about should tell you they both knew it was wrong.
He can dismiss it as a “full blown emotional affair” til the cows come home, but at a minimum, he blurred the lines between a platonic friend and the words/time he should be investing in his wife.
It’s inappropriate at best, emotional affair at worst.
He did the emotional affair and could benefit from therapy. You are reeling. I recommend therapy for you and for him too. It helps with clarity and affirmation- you are not crazy for viewing this as an emotionally intimate relationship
Foreplay isn’t sexual, babe, it’s just academic discourse between colleagues.’ Sure. And I’m texting Gordon Ramsay because I need to study potatoes
In order for you to heal, you have to be reasonably assured that 1) he’s sorry and 2) it won’t happen again. “Moving on” right now would simply be accepting that he WILL cheat on you again.
You can try couples therapy, but until he owns up to it there’s zero chance of having a healthy relationship.
No coworkers text that much. A message here and there about work is one thing but what he was doing is another.