I (19F) have always been super close with my family, they’re my best friends, I am very introverted and I love my own time alone or with them and my cat. Last year, both my grandparents died as well as my parents told me they were getting a divorce. It was very shocking and all of it didn’t hit me at once, and I kind of pushed it to the side to focus on getting good grades in Grade 12. I got into uni in a city 6h away from my home city and immediately I felt awful. I cried everyday the first month, and for most of the time after that. I was really miserable the whole year and every time I was at home I wanted to stay home. Despite having really good grades throughout highschool, I did so badly in first year and now I am in « failed » meaning I can appeal to go back Fall 2025, or I can take a year off which they call a « mental health break ». I told my parents and they told me they’re ok with either, but if I am staying home I’m working full time at a restaurant. I feel like there is no winning because I need a mental health break but I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t because regardless I’m still not taking time to chill out and figure my shit out. I said I’d be fine with working part time but they insisted on full. Is this just being an adult where life has to go on regardless of how much you’re struggling? I feel like a spoiled brat but the thought of doing either going to school or working full time is already making me exhausted.
I do not feel ready to begin life as an adult
r/Advice
Comments
You are grieving. You have taken many losses, one after another.
Losing your grandparents was bad enough but your parent’s divorce means the loss of your home. Even if one of them stays in the house you have lived in, things are altered. You may feel you have lost your safety net.
You should consider seeing a grief counsellor or just try therapy to help you cope with this. It is truly a lot.
Do what you think you have the strength to do. It is okay to take a year off. If you feel you can push it, of course, do so. However, for the next year, I think self care is very important.
So for now, be kind to yourself. Go forward taking care of yourself until you feel you are stronger. Remember, you have had much to deal with. It is normal to feel the way you do.
I know how annoying this will probably sound but imagine that and having to run a household.
Why does it have to be full time at a restaurant? Could you maybe suggest two part-time gigs, one of which could be less stimulating – give your brain more unstructured time to wander?
I’m old and these are like old school values from my generation.
I get it. School wasn’t for me either. Life was cheaper (although I also went without a lot of things now deemed necessities) and living at home wasn’t an option so I had to get out there. It did make me a stronger and more resourceful person but it was not easy.
Good vibes your way.
I’ve never seen someone who “takes time to chill and figure their shit out” regain their momentum. Being an adult is moving forward even when it’s uncomfortable. That doesn’t mean you can’t figure out a way to enjoy your life though. Can I suggest seasonal work? Coolworks.com saved my whole life, no question. Don’t stagnate, just find a path that brings you joy
Yeah, adulting sucks and no one’s really ready. You’ve been through a lot, so it’s okay to feel lost. Take the break if you need it. Don’t stress about being “lazy” or whatever. Just do what feels doable and don’t pressure yourself too hard.
I am sorry for this. Change can be very frightening, even when it is a good thing and a natural process such as achieving adulthood. Lots of people feel this way. Just because you are a legal adult doesn’t mean that you are entirely ready and prepsred for it!
I recommend that you ask your doctor about being evaluated for stress and depression. Get yourself stable emotionally and physical health-wise. Stay home, make this your gap year, and use it to prepare for life on your own. Get a job, start saving, and ask your parents to help you learn any life skills that will help you that you don’t know how to do or feel uncomfortable doing on your own. Finances/ banking, how to pay bills, making out a budget, renting an apartment, cooking for yourself, doing laundry – everything you can think of.
After the year is up, start trade school or college, find a roommate and start spreading your wings. Life has so much to offer and you should consider it the ultimate in adventures, because it is.
You’ve got this.
adulting hits different when life throws curveballs
This is absolutely what life is about. 😅 the worse of it all is BILLS! One day you’ll appreciate the push. You’ll get to work on your social interactions which can be help.
You’re not being a spoiled brat you are just processing things, and wish it was differently as this is what life is about. It’s probably the hardest time of your life so far. Which is kinda good to get that experience in life it builds character. Your family are still supportive and they will catch you when you fall, not everyone has that. They want you to succeed. This will make you stronger and ready for the real world. But it’s not always just bad, times are hard.
Just see how it goes, and focus on the things you are grateful for to shift perspective. 🤍
I’m sorry about you losses. Maybe they will let you have your summer off for a compromise?
Taking time to figure life out doesn’t mean sitting around doing nothing. What does “taking time to chill out and figure my shit out” mean to you?
It sounds like you want to do absolutely nothing.
Adulting does involve continuing to go through the motions even when you’re struggling. And doing nothing doesn’t improve mental health – the routine and requirement to leave the house can help, especially for an introvert. You may be surprised how resetting changing up your focus to a new task can be – coming from someone that took time between schooling to work and live. Working doesn’t mean you’re not experiencing other things as well, and for me, the mental load of a job is far less than that of school.
But it’s unclear – why a restaurant? Which is fine, but sounds unnecessarily limiting. I’d look for something I was interested in exploring, suited my interests, built my resume, or offered an opportunity like travel, training, or living in a different location a while. (This is where I would heartily recommend Americorp, but, well, let’s not talk about that. Other opportunities remain.) My son is looking at picking up EMT training at the local fire department and then doing that for a bit while he’s figuring things out. A friend is interning at a research library. I worked at a game shop and a horse barn. This is the time of year for seasonal opportunities with national and state parks, beaches, outdoor historical sites, and other tourism hotspots. Find a place where you think you could spend some time.
I (25m) felt like a kid pretending to be an adult back when I was 18, or 19. I was just starting out at university, and didn’t have a job. I now have a bachelor’s degree, about to finish my master’s, live by myself, have a decent, comfortable job that brings good money, have a car and a bike and I still feel like a kid pretending to be an adult, except I’m much better at it than I was a few years ago. My circumstances were not as bad as yours, but just get good at pretending, and you’ll end up doing just fine.
I’m old, but I feel your pain. Life can be brutal. This came to mind. https://share.icloud.com/photos/0316QyC1Zvk1J59pvLW5iPQHg