My husband was recently in a nearly fatal motorcycle accident. He had a blunt cardiac injury that caused a heart attack at age 33. He and his mother don’t have a good relationship and she causes him a lot of stress. He was getting ready to be put on life support and his heart rate was all over the place.
I had already asked his family for help the day prior to stay with him for 5 hours so I could shower, eat and nap. I’d been in the hospital nonstop for more than 48 hours. They left him alone on his mom’s pushing after just two hours and didn’t tell me until they’d already left so I had to rush over there. It was like she checked the task off her list of seeing him in the hospital and was done. I scolded them for this behavior stating that I didn’t know how anything was more important than him at that moment.
With this in mind I kindly asked his mom not to come to the hospital just yet as his heart was precarious and I didn’t want anything to increase his heart rate more than it already was. I told her I knew she wouldn’t do anything to intentionally cause him distress but I didn’t think it was a good idea for her to come in. Their last conversations she’d called him an asshole, a dipshit, and a bigger idiot than his father. I didn’t want that energy in his hospital room. I told her once they got him on the ventilator she could come by to see him. (That way he’d be unconscious and she couldn’t do damage but could still see her son.) She told me I was cruel and she didn’t see the point in seeing him if he wasn’t awake. She said nothing that happened prior to that mattered and he would know that. I think being at someone’s bedside in the hospital is a privilege to be earned and not a right you simply have.
She didn’t bother to see him for 2.5 weeks while he was on life support. She only came to the hospital after he was finally awake and doing better. She didn’t come to our house to be with her other children and family, nothing. When she finally showed up she immediately started making excuses to the nursing staff about why she hadn’t been around. My husband didn’t know about any of that and was very confused as to what she was talking about, he assumed she’d been around. I wasn’t going to explain any of it until he was home because he was still very fragile in the hospital. When she left I had to explain to him what she meant and he was heartbroken to find out she just didn’t come around at all and bailed on me.
She’s said and done a lot of things in the past that were terrible and thoughtless. This just takes the cake. I’ve always been of the mind that it’s up to him to decide how we have a relationship with his mom but after this I honestly don’t know if I can speak to her again. I don’t know how a mother does that to their child. My mom came up the minute I said I needed her, my dad stayed for two weeks. His dad lives with us so he was there daily. His sister stayed for over a week and sat with me everyday while he was on life support. People know what to do in a time like this. I just can’t make excuses for her anymore and I don’t want her in our lives. I don’t know how to approach this at this point because I don’t want to make the choice for him. I know he’ll always choose me but I don’t want to force his hand.
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Your husband’s mom didn’t support him during his crisis, which hurt you both. Talk with your husband about boundaries and how to handle her. It’s okay to keep her distant if she stays toxic, you deserve respect and support.
“She didn’t see the point of seeing him if he wasn’t awake”. JFC, so if she can’t get a reaction he has no value to her. It’s time to cut her off, at least until your husband is in a much less precarious condition. What an awful woman.
You (and your husband) owe this woman NOTHING. I personally would probably go NC, or at the very least LC. Your husband will have to decide for himself if her kind of “support” is needed.
First, I am so sorry this has happened!
I think a discussion about going NC should happen. Just document what has happened, and then discuss with your DH when he is up to it. Don’t make excuses for her, don’t cover up what she did, but you don’t have to force the issue either. You may want to also mention to DH all the support you’re getting. First, to make him realize you are getting support and to lessen his worries about it. Second, it will make MIL’s behavior look even worse in comparison. Something like “your dad and sister have been awesome – they did XYZ while you were in the ICU and I’m so appreciative.”
I think tragedy brings out people’s true self. People who you didn’t think you were close to will step up and be supportive in ways you never though they would. And unfortunately, people you thought you could count on will turn out to be grade A a-holes. You’ll find out real quick who your REAL friends are.
We cut my MIL off after a tragedy. She was difficult before the incident, but when given the choice to step up and be a supportive mother/grandmother or lean into her BS, she chose her BS over us. She chose her BS over the life of her grandchild. She actively made my life more difficult unnecessarily while I was trying to save my child’s life. She chose to kick us while we were down.
That was 9 years ago. I have never regretted it and neither have my kids. They know everything that happened (11 and 13 at the time) and now as young adults, never want to see her again.
Good Luck and lots of thoughts of healing to you and your DH.
What a cow. Yeah, it’s past time to cut her off. Glad your husband is doing better. Prayers for your family.
I wouldn’t make that decision for him either but I don’t think you’re forcing his hand either. You stated they already don’t have a great relationship and that he’s heartbroken that she wasn’t there for him in the hospital. I can see VLC or NC coming once he feels better and can deal with it
Cut her off yesterday. That’s not a mom, it’s a stranger with a uterus. Your husband deserves better, and so do you. Let him decide, but don’t waste your energy on her. She showed who she really is.