Title gives a high level overview of where we’re at but I know damn well there’s got to be a way to get out of it. From a Birds Eye view, our relationship and life should be perfect. I make well into 6 figures, we own our home outright along with the cars, and have 4 children in one of the more expensive places of the US. All of our kids are getting much older and range from 16-8yrs old, so we’re finally able to have a little more time for each other. She is a stay at home mom who just got her undergrad this year. I feel like now is the time that we should be closer than ever.
Instead, I feel disconnected and lonely a lot of the time. We’re headed toward the dead bedroom side since we are only intimate maybe 1-2 times a month max despite making time for date nights and quality time for each other. This is has slowly declined dramatically compared to what it was.
So high level, it should be great! Instead it’s not. While I make 6 figures, we’re still paycheck to paycheck. While we go on date nights and devote time for each other, intimacy continues to dwindle. We communicate frequently but we’re at a point where I feel like my wants and needs are not a priority while hers are number 1.
I know I’m not alone and there’s got to be someone out there in the same boat. Just how the fuck do we change it?
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Honestly, my husband and I got out of this by smoking some weed together after years of neither one of us smoking it. Idk if you live somewhere it’s legal but when it became legal we decided to give it a shot. It opened soooo many doors for us. We don’t do it very often but when we do OMG 🤯 and then the experience bleeds over into our daily life even when we are not high 🤷🏻♀️ just sayin
You wouldn’t be the first couple to discover that when you finally have time for each other, there’s not much left between you.
You’re talking a lot about “we.” Is she actually ready and willing to invest her effort into changing the situation?
She spent her late teens and into her twenties being pregnant, giving birth and caring for your four children. And once they were old enough she was finally able to finish school and get her degree. What are the plans now for her to use her degree?
Consider what makes the sex you two have together worth wanting for her. And then take some time to increase those elements. If you want the two of you to get out of your cycle you have to start it. Be intentional about the affection you give her and the non-demanding touch you engage in, and increase the amount like crazy! You have to start treating her more like you did when you were first getting together.
I highly recommend reading Emily Nagoski’s Come As You Are and Laurie Mintz’s Becoming Clitorate.
To add to my other comment, put the weed aside, we had to tap into the feeling of the initial honeymoon phase. We started leaving each other cute notes around the house. We will spontaneously love on each other. Let each other know how much we appreciate what we do even the little things. Make flirtatious passes toward each other. It’s just finding that energy when it feels new. No one needs weed to do that but it did help amplify it
Get into tantra.
Also put less pressure on sex. 4 kids is a lot, and the youngest is only in kindergarten or first grade so her procreative days aren’t that far behind her. There’s a lot that could be going on; if she’s perimenopausal that’s a huge factor. Even moreso if she can still get pregnant. Or if she now feels like she had kids too young or was ran ragged by having 4. Or If she feels like every hug or kiss or cuddle leads to sex (which, it shouldn’t; humans are hardwired for affection for security so making all touch about sex is making that needed affection conditional).
Talk to her about what she needs too. If you’ve been clear about what you need, asking her without derailing it back to your unmet needs is crucial.
Is marriage counseling an option?
It’s difficult to have this kind of insight into your relationship from your post alone, but here’s two possibilities from a 33F’s point of view. Have a read and see if either rings true for you:
First possibility: it might be that the romance is currently a little stale. I think for long term couples it’s very easy to fall into a routine. You know what positions work and become expert at meeting the other’s needs, so sex can become somewhat routine. Especially if you’re just emerging from a busy period (child rearing for a number of years, just finished undergrad, etc), where you’ve both been in “survival mode” and trying to get things done as a team, you may not have had the mental energy to woo each other as well.
If this is the case, flirting without expectation of immediate intimacy is a really good solution. Compliment her, kiss her passionately. Take her on a surprise date and open doors for her. Text her. Whatever gets her a bit giggly. Even if it’s something you don’t usually do or feel a bit awkward about, most women will really appreciate that coming from the man they love.
I obviously can’t speak for all women but anecdotally female friends in my age primarily complain about the long term partners “giving up” on romance (followed closely by feeling they take on an unequal share of the household mental load and feeling either overwhelmed or unappreciated for it. So check with her that’s all good too, if you haven’t already)
She might be a little suspicious or confused at first, especially if its been a while, but if you’re just honest and tell her you want to be closer to her and more romantic, again that’s music to a woman’s ears. Give it a little time and consistency to work and hopefully that will reignite the spark. And if it does work, don’t stop doing it and slide into complacency again – it only works for as long as you do it, otherwise it feels like you are only romantic to get laid, so make it a permanent change in how you relate to her.
I appreciate you have said that it’s YOUR needs not getting met and that you feel like her needs are being prioritised over yours, and my suggestion is “pay more attention to these things she might like”! However, it’s you that is asking the question and this is something within your control, so it’s actions that you can take to try to resolve this. Somebody’s got to be the first one to make a move. (And to be fair if it was a woman asking this, I’d probably say something along the lines of work stress/ give him time to decompress/ take things off his plate. Which leads me to…)
Secondly, are YOU stressed from work, and do you feel you have a way to decompress? I’ve noticed with male partners that work stress is the number one mood killer for them, and intimacy either decreases in frequency or it gets very “wham, bam, thank you ma’am” because they’re mentally elsewhere, which doesn’t work for me and makes me less receptive. It sounds like you are currently the sole earner in what seems like a high-powered career while your wife has been finishing her degree (more power to her). Some people use sex as an escape when they are stressed and channel their frustrations into it, which can work. Some people find stress just eradicates their sex drive. If you think you fall in the second category, you may want to address your work-life balance now that life is a little more stable and also make some time to do things that help you unwind. Culturally men tend to be expected to prioritise work and being a provider over their hobbies and self-care, but it’s still important to do things that help you unwind in a healthy way and also connect you with your friends. My other half plays collaborative computer games with childhood friends who live in another country. You can hear them talking and laughing on the headset and I think it’s really good for him.
I guess as well a word of warning. When we feel disconnected and lonely, we are more vulnerable to turning towards outlets that are not constructive and healthy, which ends up getting us further away from what we are looking for (true intimacy). It can also do damage to ourselves and relationships. So just be honest with yourself and sanity check any changes you make, especially if they don’t seem to be helping or if friends and family are expressing concern.
All the best!