For some context, I am a business owner with multiple businesses and I also run a nonprofit. Needless to say, I am very busy and do my best to protect my Saturdays because they’re the only day I have off. I am married and have 3 children under the age of 10. That being said, I attend ALL of my children’s extracurricular activities (my kids are very involved in sports and arts so this is a lot of events) and my wife and I fairly equally share the responsibility of getting them to all their practices, etc. My children attend a smaller private school where everyone knows everyone and they all get invited to birthday parties all the time and almost always on Saturdays.
My wife recently asked me if I wanted to go to this party and I told her no and that I would rather stay home. She thinks I should go to all of these birthday parties because they’re for our kids’ friends. I agree with my wife’s sentiment that our kids should be able to go to these birthday parties if they want. My argument is that I should not have to go spend a few hours of my Saturday with the parents of these other kids (that I don’t know outside of school events) making small talk, when my wife is friends with several of the other children’s’ parents and she actually enjoys events like this.
To clarify, it’s not an either/or situation where one of us gets to stay home and the other goes. My wife wants to go, regardless, and I don’t. So, she want’s me to go with them to these parties because she thinks if I stay home, I’m not supporting my children in something they want to do. She says that I could become friends with the dads and it could be like a networking event for me. My response is that’s exactly why I don’t want to go. It feels like work to me more than a friendly hangout with my friends. Everybody ends up asking me about my business and if I can solve their problem. I end up selling quite a few jobs from events like this, but I don’t need the extra business and I don’t want to spend my day off at something like this.
In the end, I stayed home even though my wife was upset with me and wanted me to go. I think it’s possible ITA in this situation because it if it’s important to my children and my wife, I could make a greater effort to attend these events for them, even if I don’t like it. I can also see how this might affect the way my wife is viewed if other parents at this party come together and she goes by herself. AITA?
EDIT: Several people have mentioned that this could be a quality time issue and my wife just wanting to spend time with me so I’d like to add some context to that regard: Each weekend of the month, I spend deliberate, quality one-on-one time with each of my 4 family members: date night, taking one of the kids to dinner, the park etc.. Every week we reserve Friday nights for family movie/game night where we all spend time together. We schedule time for each other because we know quality time is important, and we know that if we don’t schedule it, we could easily not have it. We could absolutely spend more quality time together, and I will work on that. But I don’t see how it can be considered quality time when one party involved (me) doesn’t enjoy the activity or want to be there. We have many quality time or hang out time where we aren’t doing any specific activity, just hanging out together, throughout the month. If anything, birthday parties like this cut into the times when we would be spending quality time together. In my opinion, quality time should be something that everyone enjoys. I certainly wouldn’t consider going to one of these birthday parties a replacement for the quality time I already spend with my children and wife.
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For some context, I am a business owner with multiple businesses and I also run a nonprofit. Needless to say, I am very busy and do my best to protect my Saturdays because they’re the only day I have off. I am married and have 3 children under the age of 10. That being said, I attend ALL of my children’s extracurricular activities (my kids are very involved in sports and arts so this is a lot of events) and my wife and I fairly equally share the responsibility of getting them to all their practices, etc. My children attend a smaller private school where everyone knows everyone and they all get invited to birthday parties all the time and almost always on Saturdays. My wife asked me if I wanted to go to this party and I told her no and that I would rather stay home. She thinks I should go to all of these birthday parties because they’re for our kids’ friends. I agree with my wife’s sentiment that our kids should be able to go to these birthday parties if they want. My argument is that I should not have to go spend a few hours of my Saturday with the parents of these other kids (that I don’t know outside of school events) making small talk, when my wife is friends with several of the other children’s’ parents and she actually enjoys events like this. To clarify, it’s not an either or situation where one of us gets to stay home and the other goes. My wife wants to go, regardless, and I don’t. So, she want’s me to go with them to these parties because she thinks if I stay home, I’m not supporting my children in something they want to do. She says that I could become friends with the dads it could be like a networking event for me. My response is that’s exactly why I don’t want to go. It feels like work to me more than a friendly hangout with my friends. Everybody ends up asking me about my business and if I can solve their problem. I end up selling quite a few jobs from events like this, but I don’t need the extra business and I don’t want to spend my day off at something like this. AITA?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> In the end, I stayed home even though my wife was upset with me and wanted me to go. I think I might be the Asshole in this situation because it if it’s important to my children and my wife, I could make a greater effort to attend these events for them, even if I don’t like it. I can also see how this might affect the way my wife is viewed if other parents at this party come together and she goes by herself. AITA?
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
YTA just because your wife enjoys these kinds of events doesnt mean that its not mental load/time invesyed for her that she cant use for her own interests.
Yes
Soft YTA. You’re being obtuse to a pretty obvious issue here, but you sound like you love your family and mean well so I don’t want to be too hard on you.
First thing:
Your wife wants to spend time with you. She’s basically just asking to hang out and you’re saying no.
The bigger issue:
It sounds like everyone in your family (including you) has a packed schedule, so you probably don’t get a lot of time to just hang out as a family. Spending quality time hanging out and attending the kids extracurriculars are different activities.
Your wife is trying to bargain with you by saying you could treat it like a networking event, because it sounds like you really care about and prioritize work.
I think you guys as a family are too busy and it’s time to examine your priorities: work, your family’s schedule, etc., and see if you really need to be running multiple businesses and having your kids doing so many extra curriculars.
If these businesses and activities are cutting into the amount of quality time you get to spend together as a family… are they really all worth doing?
NAH, but with a caveat.
I’m a freelancer, and I know exactly how important free time is when you’re setting your own hours. It’s awful to get dragged into ~NETWORKING~ when you’re supposed to be off the clock.
That Being Said.
It sounds like your wife and kids have an absolutely packed social calendar right now. If you don’t go to these parties, how much time are you spending with them? Does your wife feel like you’re focusing on work to the detriment of your relationship?
It might be best to work out a compromise. Go to one little kid birthday party a month, spend one Saturday on intentional family time, or something.
NTA. It’s not even like your wife wants to spend quality time with you because she’s actively telling you that you could socialise and network with the other dads. Sounds as though she wants you to go for show, rather than actually being there for her or the kids.
The kids won’t notice you’re not there because they’ll be playing with other kids. Your wife is friends with people already there, so she’ll be socialising with them. You’re already the third wheel in this situation.
Would maybe be different if your wife couldn’t make it and no one else could take the kids. But that’s not the case here.
Maybe she’s insecure that you’d be the only dad not attending? Doesn’t matter though. You didn’t want to go. It didn’t stop your kids from going, and your wife was going anyway.
YTA. Most people don’t want to do these parties but they do it for their children. It’s not fair that your wife bears this burden alone. At least if you were both there you’d at least have each other to talk to as opposed to her showing up like a single parent.
NTA, it’s just a day of not being there for your kids and wife, since you sincerely don’t wanna go and it feels like overtime in disguise for you, I can say it’s good you didn’t go. you can actually plan and do something you all enjoy to make it up to them
NTA
Adults at kid birthday parties is bullshit. I don’t know when it started but I hate it. So much boring small talk.
Are ALL your kids invited to ALL these bday parties? Why would they all go to every one? I’m sure your kids are different ages, and have different friends. So, I would imagine, you would stay home with the kids NOT invited. Unless, of course, your wife is THAT mom, who drags ALL her kids to parties, whether they were invited or not
NTA