We had agreed on a low-key courthouse wedding, but 48 hours before, he changed everything and threw together a backyard ceremony. We ended up barefoot in our unfinished yard, surrounded by pets, with a random notary and confused family. Then he insisted on a photoshoot at a friend’s place. I wore a family dress I didn’t want to wear, felt awful, and he barely posed with me. I look miserable in the photos.
Early on, he was generous—taking me out, giving me gifts, trying to build me up. But there were red flags I didn’t fully recognize, especially around sex—he was emotionally distant and often cruel. I was 21, broke, and fresh out of an abusive relationship. He was in his 30s and just starting to succeed financially.
Now, his parents live with us indefinitely. They’re financially dependent on him and controlling of the home—and of me. He works nights (by choice), leaves around 9pm, and returns in the late morning. I work during the day and handle all the errands, bills, and responsibilities. He wants me to come with him to work overnight, but that completely wrecks my ability to function. I work in a health-related field and need to be well-rested and grounded for my clients.
Our sex life is one-sided. I haven’t had an orgasm in over a year. I feel like I’m just here to serve. He criticizes my income but also discourages me from focusing on my own work, saying his job makes more. I recently had to take $10k out of a savings fund I alone have been contributing to.
Mother’s Day was the last straw. I brought a cake for his mom and other women in the family, and everything seemed fine. Then his mom suddenly announced I couldn’t use the dishwasher anymore—it should be a drying rack. I said I wasn’t okay with that because I wanted to be able to use it. She started yelling. I left the house. A screaming match broke out between him and his parents that lasted hours and almost turned physical. He now blames me for making his family “hate” him.
We’ve done no therapy. I’ve asked for support, but I feel completely shut out. I’ve started looking at studio apartments, just for a break. But I’m scared. If I leave, it might be over. But staying is slowly breaking me down.
I have a stress-triggered autoimmune condition that had been under control for years. It’s now flaring back up. I’m losing hair. I’m emotionally drained, physically falling apart, and barely getting through each day.
I’m not ready to talk to a lawyer, I feel so extremely overwhelmed. If I do get a short-term rental, how do I make it feel emotionally safe while I figure things out?
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Girl, what did I just read? Imagine if your best friend told you this story and what you’d tell her. You deserve to live a life that isn’t miserable with people who treat you well.
Please believe that being single is NOT worse than this.
Start therapy yourself. Your therapist will help you sort this mess and identify what to tackle first. When you’re overwhelmed is because you have too much on your plate. You have to take the items one by one and figure out what to do with each thing.
The other thing you should do is to fiercely defend your financial independence. You’re not ready to leave, I understand, but you need to have the financial resources to leave if you decide to. Say no to everything that implies that you lose your financial independence or that you give him more of your savings. Do you have more money saved? Open another account, a secret account that he knows nothing about, and move the money there. Start saving money again only in the secret account. When he asks for more money, tell him that you have nothing. Don’t give him more money.
You also need some distance from him and his family to think clearly. Can you lie about making a trip to visit family or friends of yours (a trip that he’s not invited to) and in reality travel somewhere alone so you can focus on your own thoughts? Even a weekend alone could help for you to focus on how you feel alone, how you feel without him, and how you feel about going back to him and the house you share.
“If I leave, it might be over. But staying is slowly breaking me down.”
This speaks for itself. I think you already know it’s over. You need some distance. Is there any way you can stay with family or friends to clear your head and get some perspective? This sounds very unhealthy for you and unlikely to get better.