I’m reaching out because I’m alone and need support. Please be kind.
I’ve been married to my husband for 20 years. About 10 years ago his drinking became out of control. I started putting him to bed at night after blacking out , waiting up worried he night not make it home at night fearing for his safety and others on the road. One night while I was putting him to bed a text came through on his phone. It was a younger coworker he was having an affair with. He called her the “love of his life” in the text said he was going to leave me and they would start a family. When I confronted him he said she was a game nothing more and begged me to stay.
However, he wasn’t showing change so I tried to serve him with divorce papers but he refused to sign and started to fight me hard. I ended up backing down because I was scared and I have no friends or family. I grew up in and out of foster care and have stayed at home raising the kids so I’ve been secluded and he doesn’t share his outside world with me. He swore things would change and that never happened.
He has spent many many years telling me I’m delusional that he’s a changed man. He tried to convince me to go to a mental hospital for thinking he was still cheating because I’m obviously “delusional “. Yet, in all these years I get zero emotional or physical affection and he has continued to be shady. Condoms and viagra,(which is refilled monthly despite turning my advances down constantly )he takes to work and on business trips, inappropriate text to female coworkers, still on hinge meeting up with women after work at home and on business, got a DUI and continues to drink despite being court ordered not to and has a fake sobriety countdown for AA. Last time he came home at 1 am drunk I told him I just couldn’t do it anymore.
He’s once again asking for a “reset” that’s he’s a “changed man” in the last 6 months but I don’t believe him. He says that since he started court ordered therapy he’s recognized his unhealthy patterns of drinking, ambien, seeking admiration from women but I don’t know that’s enough. I know I was naive and hopeful in the beginning and I wanted to believe that he would change but now I’m scared and stuck and I don’t know what to do.
To make things more complicated I broke down after years of not being given any affection or touch and have stepped out myself this year. I even came clean to him . He has said that I’m the same as him now. That, in fact, what I’ve done is worse because it was on purpose? I don’t understand him. I’m not saying what I’ve done is right but I think context is important.
How can I even begin to untangle this? Has anyone else experienced something similar and found a way out?
TIL- My 39F husband 39M has a drinking problem and has lied and cheated for the last 10 years. I don’t know how to navigate this alone.
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You should’ve never stayed. That’s really the answer. Just leave now. You have one tie outside of him use it if you need it.
Honestly if you can’t leave for financial reasons just open the relationship and basically be roommates.
Do you want another 10 years with him? I’d want to fast speed to a home without him in it.
If you need to get a trade or find a job that can support yourself before you can leave, I’d get on it and do so in private. Also, secretly see a divorce attorney right away to see what’s in store. You have a life to look forward to if you choose to.
Let his side Skaggs have him.
I have been involved with an alcoholic partner for the last five years. He cheated on me numerous times with other women, and I always caught him in his lies. He would say the exact same thing, that they were a game, someone to use, etc. This last relationship he was involved with he was using the woman as a means to stay at a place internationally. He hasnt been involved with many women, but always when he is at his worse with drinking. I left him technically but then he went to rehab, said he loved me and missed me. Cried when he saw me, was back to being the man that I fell in love with. He sadly relapsed again and got involved with the last woman, and she has been an absolute monster in trying to assist him in actually getting sober again. She basically says everything that appeals to his selfish side versus what is actually good and healthy for him. He now has isolated himself from anyone who truly cared for him, his family has cut him off.
He is going to court here shortly because the time that I did leave the house he got into a dui accident and then decided to dodge the police officers. However he did not listen to his lawyer, family, and actual friends and went out of the country again. He loves to travel and with the thought of being on probation he figures that is going to ruin his life. That is why he got involved with this last woman because she is means to stay in a place he loves to travel to.
So I know how you are feeling. We are attached to the people we know who they are past the addiction. That is person we love, and we every now and then still catch glimpses of that sober person. That is what makes us stay as long as we do. The thing is is do they want to stop being an addict. In my case, I know he does not want to give up drinking. Though court will make him do it for a period of time.
The fact that your husband threw a decades worth of betrayal in your face as a means to guilt you into tolerating his behavior is manipulative and what alcoholics do. My former partner said similar things to me, like I let you do this and I did this for you so you owe me…YOU DO NOT OWE HIM ANYTHING! Alcoholics do not want to be alone, so they will say things to keep you just enough in a place where they can pay attention to you when you want. Your his security blanket and he will say anything to keep you in that position. Will that make you happy though?
Remember he left you first. If you are looking at repairing the marriage, goto therapy together. Try to build from a place of healing versus blame. If he is not willing to do that with you then I am afraid you are going to be dealing with a lot more pain in the future.
You can’t take anymore? You are taking it. Just stop taking it and leave. What advice are you really wanting here.