For some context me and my girlfriend have been together for about a year and a half. We have a really healthy relationship, spend lots of time together and go on trips together. I have never had any reason to question her loyalty.
She has had a best friend for years who is bisexual although he has been caught and told off many times for staring at woman in public. My girlfriend has been an exception to this as she says that she has never seen him do that to her nor have I seen him look at her.
Last November her and a few friends went out to celebrate a birthday and he was there. During this they went out for dinner where he repeatedly stared at her and her friends chest and didn’t really stop when it was made obvious to him that they had caught him. When I found out about this I practically begged her to let me confront him as none of them had. Just to be clear I didn’t want to threaten him or make a big deal out of it I just wanted him to apologise to her.
She wouldn’t let me in the end which I accepted as it made her uncomfortable. Since then she said that she didn’t like him anymore and felt really uncomfortable around him and that she really couldn’t stand seeing him. I felt bad that she had lost a friend but she really didn’t seem bothered and appeared to just leave him in the past.
Last month she went out with friends including him and when she came home she told me that she wanted to keep being friends with him because she missed him as a friend. I didn’t really like this but I told her that it’s entirely her decision. All I asked was that she didn’t go to clubs or the gym with just him and she agreed that she wouldn’t do that and that she didn’t want to anyway.
Today she went to the gym with just him which I was okay with as I was also in the gym just not around them. After leaving the gym she asked me if she could go out to bars and clubs with him again. I told her fine and I don’t care anymore because I’m really sick of trying. It really bothers me that she pretended to hate him for months then switched up so fast and I really don’t understand why.
I understand that I’m young and there is a good chance that I’m just overreacting or that I’m being insecure or something but I also don’t feel like I am. The other friends she went to the dinner with have cut him off completely and they have said that it was due to them being in relationships as well. Am I overthinking this or is it something I should discuss with her.
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No i dont think you are over reacting. Its obvious that his behaviour was wrong and you told her how you feel about it, shes the one disregarding your feelings, its more of a red flag on her though. If i were you i wouldnt trust her
Why isn’t she agreeing to handle him how y’all agreed? You need to get that answer from her. She really doesn’t know anyone else that she can be friends with and that won’t also put a strain on her relationship? It sound like this fella might be not operating in your (or your relationship’s) best interest. Or hers unless he just doesn’t know what’s going on, he’s ok with being a problem with her relationship? That’s disrespectful to you both.
You’re not overreacting. Something is telling you their relationship is not healthy for your relationship. I’d listen to that.
This friend is not a safe person to be around. That’s the point. This goes beyond everything else. Maybe she’s young and doesn’t think any of it or she’s not the confrontational kind or the guy is manipulative.
I would go around asking probing questions. Does she feel safe around him? What advice would she give to a friend of hers going through the same thing? Why did she change her mind? Have they spoken about this? What did he say?
Maybe she’s just a red flag for dismissing your feelings, but if you set a boundary and she crossed it, you are supposed to uphold it by removing yourself from the situation. But, like you said you guys have a great relationship, maybe it’s worth digging into this a bit more. Just letting it go will only create resentment in your relationship. Talk to her. Honestly and ask open ended questions to understand what’s going on on her end. Or she just doesn’t give a fuck. Either way, you’ll get your answer.
Accusing someone of looking/staring wrong is kind of a weird subjective thing that could easily be misunderstood or misidentified unless it is accompanied by other creepy behavior like inappropriate comments or touching, or unless it involves peepholes or looking up skirts or something more objective.
As the general advice goes. You can set personal boundaries and decide you don’t want to date someone who maintains close male friends but you can’t / shouldn’t control what your GF does. You can only control what you do.
Maybe ask yourself would you be feel the same way if it was some other guy even a hot guy? If so you maybe have some trust or jealousy issues. Or is it really something specific with this guy like you think he is dangerous or a bad influence on her, or you think he is trying to sabotage your relationship behind your back? Trying to unpack exactly what is bothering you might help you decide how to articulate that to your GF, or might just be something you accept and grow into.