Bf (28 M) is the best partner I have ever had. Although, he has trouble talking to me about anything deep or serious. He often deflects by making a joke. Once I call him out, he will always apologize and try harder to be serious, although he is always visibly uncomfortable.
Anyways, he brought up wanting to try anal. I told him I could not give him that. He said he understood and was fine with that answer, but was curious as to why. I told him I had been SA’d before, anally. His face looked immediately hurt and disgusted. He said he’s sorry that happened, but then right after said that “maybe one day we can make anal fun again.”
I was stunned. I felt disrespected. I felt grossed out. It was hard for me to even admit that had happened to me, and that just was not a comment I was prepared for. It felt like he was more interested in his pleasure and potentially getting to try anal in the future, than really trying to comfort me. So I got mad, I don’t remember exactly what I said but I did start crying. He hugged me and apologized and said he was “just joking” and was just trying to “lighten the mood.”
I love him very much. We have other issues, but he has never said anything that has offended me as much as that comment, which makes me feel I will regret breaking up with him over one comment that has stung that bad out of a full year of being together. The only other time I can think I was almost as mad was when I had to euthanize a cat at work that I loved (I work at a shelter and the cat was very old and sick and didn’t respond to treatments.) I was crying laying in his arms when I got home and could feel him get hard and started getting handsy. I told him to stop and he said he thought maybe sex would make me feel better. I got really mad. Why would I want sex if I’m crying over the death of an animal in bed?
Anyways. Maybe I am just hyper-sensitive because I am not fully recovered from that experience. Would you leave or let it go and move on with the relationship?
Comments
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our rules here. We’d like to take this time to remind users that:
We do not allow any type of am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors
We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.
Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users “friend-zoned”, referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me’s, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. This is not an all-inclusive list.
All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don’t get a free pass.
Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned.
What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, “body counts” or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. This is not an all-inclusive list.
If you have any questions, please message the mods
This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Oh hell no.
There needs to be a serious conversation and real effort on his part to respond properly in these scenarios. If he cares for you he will try.
That’s utterly disrespectful to me. It makes me wonder if it “was a joke” or was merely written off as one because he thinks he’s entitled to that hole or the prospect of making you enjoy it.
Even if he is the type who uses humor when uncomfortable, that was absolutely NOT the right time. Had he wanted to “make a joke,” it could have been something TOTALLY unrelated to make you smile, or even a comment such as “who were they? I’d love to be your protector,” etc.
No one is perfect, but if you choose to stay, I’d make it very clear that his behavior was unacceptable and that he must completely dismiss the idea of entering that part of you.
I think the cat thing was enough to break up over.
Whether you leave or not, I don’t think anyone will question your choice, but for God’s sake, do not let it go.
I’m someone who does like he does, makes jokes to address uncomfortable situations, but SA isn’t something that gets that treatment. If you choose to stay, you need to drive that point home.
Good luck in either case.
Sounds like he’s worthy of a long and serious conversation not an immediate dumping.
I would leave. He’s showing you that his answer to you being emotionally distraught is to be sexually inappropriate. Who the hell gets a stiffy watching their gf cry?? That just gives me the ick. Think back over the past year, OP. When you get sad or upset, does he typically try for sex or make sexual comments?
You guys are on two entirely different wavelengths emotionally and spiritually. You deserve to feel seen heard and held- without it being about sex and jokes. Moods don’t need to be lightened, sometimes they need to be felt and he lacks the capacity to do this for you. Ugh I’m so sorry. Please leave him. It’s better to be alone than with someone who doesn’t comfort you or bring you peace when you need to be understood.
While I normally dont accept ‘just a joke’, and you should be the one getting support, I think in this case he was uncomfortable and it was the best he could do to manage the situation and offer support in the only way he knew how.
If he’d worded the same thing differently it would have landed much differently, but until you’ve had hard conversations – particularly when something totally unexpected comes up – its hard to be perfect. With more time he may have said ‘I totally understand, im sorry you went through that and won’t push you on this. If ever want to reclaim parts of yourself or need support in any way im here, but unless you raise it I won’t bring this up again’.
I think this is worthy of a greater conversation, but if its part of a much bigger pattern then I’d suggest this relationship might not be ideal.
I would leave… I usually let jokes to lighten to mood not only slide but I’m grateful for them…
What he said was disgusting 🤷🏻♀️ I used to let these things slide, but now I realize it shows a deep lack or maturity and understanding and reveals that they will in fact be asking again even if it was ‘just a joke’. He absolutely is still thinking ‘maybe she’ll change her mind for me’.
Of all the jokes to lighten the mood? That was bullshit.
He is emotionally immature and think humor and his dick can solve everything. If you stay, you will have to continuously teach, call him out for what is not acceptable, he seems to can’t grasp how’s the way the world work and very much insensitive. He’s like a toddler at 28. No one have time for that, sooner or later not just you, but he’ll resent you as well for you have to keep correcting him.
Some people tell the worst jokes at the worst time. I think they don’t know what to say so they blurt something out.
I thought your bf was one of those people. I was going to suggest you tell him he needs to stop telling jokes to make things better because it doesn’t work.
With him trying to have sex while you were said I think it’s worst than that. He has a really low EQ at a minimum, and if you stay with him you’ll likely have to deal with stuff like this forever.
You may also have to accept the fact that he can’t have serious conversations.
I’d feel bad for someone like that, but I wouldn’t stay with them.
PS: I think he tries to lighten the mood for his benefit because he can’t stand to talk about anything that’s above surface level when it comes to the depth of a topic. I’m saying that based on his inability to deal with serious conversations.
He is not the one you may love. Him but he is horrible at turning everything sexual. He doesn’t view you as a person he sees you as an object.
OP he sounds really off, like he’s an alien trying to simulate being human. Who “makes light” of SA?? Who gets horny when his gf is upset about euthanising a cat?? These things are unbelievably weird.
My guess is he suffers from a profound lack of empathy, coupled with an overactive and often inappropriate sex drive. He has big problems. Do you really want to deal with that? I wouldn’t. You’ve only been with him for a year. I’d call it quits and move on before you get in any deeper.
My first reaction is that this is the best partner you’ve ever had? What were the others like? Is your bar just below hell?
And why is it that when you get angry or sad or shocked, your instinct is to say that you are being hyper sensitive? He didn’t only make the comment about anal, but he made a comment after your cat passed.
If you want a man who can be appropriately supportive, this isn’t your guy. If you want a guy who will crack a sex joke when your mom or your bestie dies, he’s your guy.
Yeah he doesn’t deserve your trauma find a better guy
As a SA survivor myself I think you need to move on. He is not mature enough to understand what you need from him. Last year I was talking with a guy I had met on a dating app. At some point in our conversation something came up and I told him about it. He was surprised and supportive and said he was sorry I had experienced that. Then a bit later in the conversation he asked me how big the man’s dick was. I told him since I had been a child (11) I had no idea and it wasn’t something that I wanted to think about or discuss. Needless to say I don’t talk to him anymore. I have come to the conclusion that some men are just not capable of empathy and it’s easier for us just to move on.
i think that its clear he’s simply unequipped at his age to deal with anything serious from your description. A lot of men simply haven’t been brought to deal with maturity and real feelings. Its wild to think that but we literally see it every day in posts. These man children were never actually brought up to deal with real life and they’re… handicapped when it comes to real, serious, life.
Its not that they’re terrible people, but something was entirely missing in their upbringing and it shows when they’re on their own and can’t handle a serious confession like the one that you did to him. I’m feeling terrible for you being that vulnerable and that…. that is the response you got.
If I were you, he’d have one chance here: I’d sit him down and say, “I just did something very vulnerable and you made a joke out of it to “lighten the mood”. Do you feel like you don’t know what to say, or is it that you can’t handle it?” See what he says. He may say, “We didn’t discuss stuff like that at home. I saw my parents always shut down when drama would happen, so its how I cope.” or he may say, “I don’t see why its a big deal.”
One way you can see how his upbringing might have led him to that as a coping mechanism. And he can perhaps learn otherwise and grow. The other… well, time to move on and move on quickly without bothering to look behind you. Some one else can deal with him. We’re not all raised to know how to deal with serious stuff, especially if you were raised in a questionable dynamic. People can grow and change. But they have to admit that its a bliind spot.
Good luck.
The best partner you’ve ever had…doesn’t mean he is good. 🥺
Heart to heart…you deserve SO much better than this…this isn’t even bare minimum behavior.
I think you aren’t compatible and should leave tbh. You both have needs that can’t be fulfilled and the.other be happy in the situation.
This is a pattern of behavior. You can’t build emotional intimacy with someone who refuses to be a present witness to uncomfortable feelings. You can’t feel safe to be vulnerable with a partner who sees that vulnerability as an avenue to sex. He may one day mature, and be able to support his end of an adult relationship, but not today or anytime soon. You can do better, but not if you refuse to move on.
I thought the title said “bf of the year” and was expecting the rest of the title to be a praise post, I was so wrong 😭😭😭
This man gets aroused off the emotional upset of women. I’d hate to see what kind of porn he watches. I’m getting very toxic vibes.
“Let’s make anal fun again” Leave the bastard.
Your boyfriend sounds gross. He sexualized your abuse and got off while you were crying and mourning. Just leave..
It sounds like your boyfriend has no idea how to be serious in difficult situations. He says and does inappropriate things like he doesn’t understand emotions at all. I’m wondering why that may be.
You’re not wrong to feel the way you do. I think anyone would. I just don’t think he’s emotionally mature at all. This would be a deal breaker for me.