Reposting here as my post was removed from the “relationships” community.
I (41F) have been married to my husband (46M) for 7 years, been together for 17 years. Last year was the most challenging time of our marriage as I discovered him being very close to his female colleague (36F, married with 1 child). He insisted nothing was going on, and said he saw her as a man and treated her as a good friend, nothing else. I had many questions, however.
In their text exchanges,
1. He changed her display name to Ruru, a nickname. He said it was to make fun of her.
2. She mentioned touching his shirt and how it was so soft
3. She said things like “maybe it’s (referring to our marriage) falling apart and I’m just filling a gap that i shouldn’t be filling.
4. He told her he enjoyed foreplay (the exchange itself wasnt sexual, per se, and more of a matter of fact, oh most men do, etc) but just… why would 2 colleagues even talk about foreplay?????????
5. She mentioned that if she caught her husband texting his female colleague this much she would probably lose her shit (then why is she doing that with mine????)
They also texted incessantly, even on weekends and when we were overseas for holiday. And they went for lunches together, and would go for walks together coz “she wanted to clock her 10k steps”. And he never really mentioned her to me coz he knew i didn’t really like her from the first moment he mentioned her to me.
When I told him I think it was minimally an emotional affair that he was having, he blew up on me and accused me of not trusting him, that I only felt this way coz she was female, and if it had been a male colleague it would be nothing.
This happened last August. While he has assured me that he has stopped contact with her and I’m the only one he loves, I’ve been an insecure wreck as they still work together in the same school. I want to trust him, but I can’t seem to be able to. I check his messages (and he allows me to) now and then, but it’s been difficult to say the least.
I’m seriously wondering what I should do. Was i gaslit into thinking i was overthinking things?
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I read exactly 3 sentences of this. He’s more than emotionally cheating on you. They are having an affair. Gather all the evidence and lawyer up.
I’m not saying it’s the healthiest thing to do this —— but I’m not a healthy person. Contact her husband anonymously.
Nah, he had a girlfriend so if you are planning to stay, go get you a platonic boyfriend.
I love my husband of 15 years, but I am heavy on tit for tat. We can both have inappropriate relationships in order to make us feel alive again.
Tell her husband.
If he doesn’t admit to having an emotional affair and tries to get you to believe that this is just a friendship banter, then he’s definitely gaslighting you.
The five points you listed are all of his actions done as a result of the emotional bond he has. And this emotional bond is not bordering an emotional affair, it is an emotional affair happening.
They work at a school ? Lol, they’re one of those married teachers everyone suspect are having an affair.
Make copies of the text messages and anonymously send them to her husband
Even if nothing is showing up on his phone you should check y’all’s phone records to make sure. Also, there are tons of apps he could be using to message with her. Also, I’d consider telling her husband because from what you’ve described, they were having an emotional affair. Don’t let him gaslight you.
Contact the woman’s husband to compare notes.
Honey, they fuckin. Lawyer up.
You are right. This is at least an emotional affair. I think, and it’s just my opinion, this is way more than that.
Don’t trust him when he says they stopped messaging. He is hiding it better.
When he told you that you wouldn’t react so emotionally to his “friendship” with a male colleague, did you ask how he would react if you were this friendly with a guy?
Also, their walks they took, because she wanted to make whatever number of steps, weren’t actually walks. Yes, it was physical activity but not walking.
Get tested for STDs, lawyer up and don’t hesitate to file.
ETA
Contact her husband.
I doubt the husband is aware of their relationship. I bet she lies about going on walks alone with him.