DH told me he “looked it up” and “people” (aka my MIL) can now kiss our daughter, who is 17 months old. He said nothing on the lips, so that’s a relief, but honestly I don’t want anyone kissing my kid in general. Maybe the head, but no way am I going from no kissing to face kissing just like that. Plus, I can’t stand when MIL even looks at my kid or touches her. This woman has disrespected me so many times, why would I give in to her desire to kiss my child and why would I reward such shitty behavior? I told my husband we’ll talk about it later so please help. Am I being unreasonable? My mom hasn’t caused any fuss with the no kissing rule but MIL is very upset- especially because she keeps breaking the rule, “forgetting,” and then gets mad when I call her out on it.
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So, I understand I’m likely to get downvoted for this, but I really don’t understand the no kissing thing for kids this age. I get when they are infants, but at 17 months it’s something I can’t wrap my head around. In most cultures, kissing is normal and how we express love in families and create warmth. I love that my kid has aunties and uncle, grandmas and grandpas that give her kisses (though I agree on the mouth thing because ew). Obviously if a kiss ever felt inappropriate or more than familial love, we’d say something.
I don’t feel good depriving my child of loving family kisses. That being said, this is your child and you have final say. In my house, it’s a “two yesses or it’s a no” rule. You should do what makes you comfortable.
I personally think it is unreasonable. But I grew up in a very loving family. We all kiss the babies. I have never heard of so many people not wanting family to kiss their babies. I was kissed all over and my kids were kissed all over by their grandparents. My goodness does no one give your kids raspberries?? But I also understand boundaries and wouldn’t be doing it if asked. Grandparents love their grandkids and do show it with hugs and kisses. If they get a boo boo are they allowed to kiss it better?
When they’re a baby, I get the no kissing thing. Over 1 – as long as not on the lips, yeah I think you are being blinded by your feelings for MIL. I’m not ok with people doing it against the child’s will, at 17mths you can teach them to say yes or no if they want a kiss from such and such.
Caring about your MIL kissing LO enough to google if she’s “able to” is weird. Why does he want his mother to kiss yalls child so badly?
In my opinion, the biggest issue is that you set a boundary, and MIL keeps crossing it, so the response is to…. just remove the boundary? Thats the opposite of consequences to your boundaries as parents being stomped.
It feels like rewarding the bad behavior. Maybe you can make a compromise with your SO like “If MIL can respect our rules (no kissing) for X-amount of time, then we can talk about rolling back some of the rules.”
It took him 17 months to look up safety precautions for his baby daughter? And only because his mother was pestering him to be able to kiss his baby daughter?
Yikes.
I think the bigger issue is that your MIL is disrespectful and your husband is going to bat for his mom to break rules he must have previously agreed upon for your child. I know that I don’t want my MIL touching my children, so kissing them is completely unwelcome.
I think you or both you and your husband need counseling. You’re going to need to work with him at some point to set different boundaries with his mom and get him to understand that he needs to priorize you and your child. His mother should be held accountable for the way she treats you and your husband should be protecting and prioritizing you. If he wants his mother to be able to have a relationship with your child, he needs to make sure you’re not being hung out to dry so much that you feel you need to defend your child from her even looking in their direction.
If your husband doesn’t see it or excuses it, he is the main problem. If you knew he’d hold her accountable for crossing boundaries or made sure you felt secure with his family of origin, you wouldn’t feel the need to hold on so tightly to every boundary that may have reached an expiration.
But it should also be your decision to make on when and who can show your child physical affection. It should not be brought up because an adult feels entitled, especially because she wasn’t following the rules you’ve set out for your child to begin with. Had she actually respected your boundaries, you would be choosing when and how to loosen them up.
You’re struggling with her over control and she shouldn’t have any. Your husband is playing the messenger and dutiful son instead of his role as husband and father; protector of the family HE chose to create.
I’m sure I kissed my nephews when they were very little but I honestly can’t remember.
However in this instance I would hesitate to give someone permission to do something they’ve repeatedly forgotten they weren’t supposed to be doing in the first placed. It does feel like rewarding her.
Ask your husband to show you the resources he read that shows you’re wrong. He didn’t just let MIL persuade him to discuss it with you, right? He’s actually checked the science.
If she’s prone to cold sores it’s understandable you don’t want your child to get them.
I am personally all about the no kissing rule. Just because our predecessors did it, doesn’t mean it didn’t come with a slew of issues. Cold sores, teaching children to accept unwanted attention, or using kisses as a bandaid for punishment can send weird messages about love. I guess the main question is this the hill worth dying on with DH? She’s doing it anyways and he agrees nothing on the lips. So instead, I would say, “fine, DH, but IF she does it on the lips, there are x, y, z consequences.” Top of the head? May not be worth fighting over. Make it crystal clear to DH, your mom is NOT behaving like MIL, so if the new, very reasonable boundary gets crossed boom 💩 will hit the fan. Because you compromise with him, he may be more inclined to compromise with you, and the parameters are crystal clear if she breaks the rule.
Why does someone need to put their lips on your child? Why is that a thing to work towards, especially before you’re chold can consent on their own?
That’s pretty bizarre.
I get the not in face and especially when an infant but don’t get the not being able to even kiss top of head when over 12 months. Consent is important to be taught yes but an affectionate kiss to the head should be ok unless you come from a formal and not very affectionate family. If MIL is truly awful though I get your reluctance.
Your toddler is old enough to learn to object. Teach him to say “No!” and smack grandma’s lips away.
I looked it up as well. It is not safe to kiss baby’s face, hands, or anywhere they can touch then touch face. Feet and back are acceptable. During RSV season feet only, cold sores are not safe at all anywhere. I saw one article that mentioned death or lifetime impairment. Your DH needs to read some more. Talk to your pediatrician and ask him for some references.
You child is old enough to say yes or no. Tell them if they don’t want anyone to kiss them to say no. This can mean they say no to you or your husband as well but teaching consent early is important.